Deadpool PROUDLY Reviews The Deadpool Game!!! (PS3/360 Game Review)

You can all finally step off the hype-train and GET ON THE BUUUUS! It’s time for Deadpool’s superextraspecialextravaganza game review! Get ready to laugh, cry, and feel all of those other sexy emotions while we blow your freaking head off with top-notch gameplay and that “DAFUQ DID I JUST WATCH!?” mentality that makes me such a hit with the kiddies (hahaha, seriously never let your kid near me. I bite… Chomp chomp. ;) ). THE DEAPOOL GAME IS FREAKING HERE BITCHES!!! You can now commence to bowing down before yours truly as the game is and always has been all about ME! Are the confines of your own life bringing you down because you can never be quite as awesome as me? Then step into my shoes for a day and see what you’re REALLY missing out on! I do it all, baby! Guns? Check. Unnecessary, but hilarious bathroom humor? Double check. Lots of physics-breaking action? Oh ho ho yeah, we’ve got that. Hot women that I have no business being around?... Thankfully, YES, we do have that too! Awesome! And all of that fourth-wall breaking that you imaginative types crave? Yeah… I guess we have a ton of that!!!

The only thing that may be a bit off to a few people is the fact that they’re using the Deadpool from Daniel Way’s run on the comic (also known as WayPool on the internet, by no-life crotch pheasants who like to poke fun at the random comedy style), as opposed to the likes of classic writers such as Joe Kelly and Gail Simone. Honestly, I like different things about all of these writers (especially Mr. Kelly… Call me babe???). The latter two writers gave a bit of a method to my madness, and even tried to sympathize with me and my lifestyle, bless their little writer souls. Daniel Way made me a bit more psychotic and random, even putting multiple personalities in my head. Well, that’s the formula that carries over here, so DEAL WITH IT. Complaining? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Honestly, why are you even reading this!? What more do you need to know!? I kick ass in it, it’s funny as balls, and you’re going to leave it smiling like a doofus, because that’s just how I leave you people off. In fact, screw this! I’m going to get a beer. Hey, Justin! Slave boy! Read off the rest of this paper for me. It covers all the other main points you need to get through. I’ll be back with the booze, so that I can drink it in front of you and we can poke fun at the fact that you’re a diabetic. HAHA, he can’t drink regular soda!

… Ugh, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, let’s just get this over with… Okay, let’s see… Deadpool is so… hot? Every time I see him, I get really jealous and only wish that my package could be… even close to an iota of a fraction of the same size?... I once had a fantasy where me and Deadpool… GAH, forget this!!! Honestly, people, the game is admittedly funny, but it’s no game of the year. In fact, as a game it’s actually pretty… average? You get a combo system that improves as you upgrade with points you get for killing bad guys, which helps things a little, but the gameplay never reaches any heights that you’d see in games of a higher caliber. The story is completely incomprehensible, because even Deadpool admits it’s kind of being created as they go. He’s also kind of a sexist douche…

Hey! What are you doing in there Justin!? I thought I told you to read off that sheet of paper! Did you even get to the part where you had that fantasy about me…?

GAH, that didn’t happen, and for the record, that’s disgusting as hell! Jeez… I was just telling them the truth about your game…

The truth!? You people want the TRUTH!? You bitches can’t handle the truth about my game!!! It’s got everything to keep me and fans of my hotness satisfied! What more could you want!?

Some replayability would have been nice for starters. After you finish the campaign, that’s pretty much it. There’s not much in the way of extras and the fighting was just okay at best. The only parts that were fresh were the little inside jokes that would change up the gameplay for five seconds. Otherwise, it was just… the same. Meh. It’s just average hack and slash/shooter mechanics with average boss fights…

You traitor! I look awesome kicking ass with my swords and guns! All that dismemberment and funny story is good enough for these lowlifes! Exclamation mark secret jutsu attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!! … Ow! Knock it off with those! This isn’t going to cater to every gamer out there. They’re a demanding bunch. Yeah, it was great that you got Nolan North to be your voice actor since he seems to get all of the best characters, and you definitely hit the right notes on all of the humor (especially for the internet crowd of today). Some may even want to replay it again for all the great humor and Marvel cameos, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I don’t know if I could play this off as anything more than a renta…

DON’T SAY IT! Don’t you DARE f@#cking say it! Say it, and I’ll tell them about that time you laughed so hard, Yoo-Hoo came out of your nose when you were in 5th grade! Or when you used to listen to Simple Plan for that five minute period!

Whoa now, let’s not go that far… Wait, how do you even KNOW these things!?

Aha! Got you distracted! Close bracket attack!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>> … Ouch! Jeez, why do I even work with you!? Look, the game really deserves a 6…

It deserves a 10!! No, an 11!!!

I created you… I can take you away… I’ll counter your close bracket with my open bracket!!!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Oh HELL naw!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

*BANG* *POW* KRACKOOOM*

Stop shouting sound effects!

...

… So, what do you say we just agree on a 7?

… Okay, deal… But I still get the beer…

Fine, I don’t care!

7 Crafty Little Fourth Wall-Breaking Puns Out Of 10

So seriously, no hard feelings, right?

Uhh… I guess not?

Good! Because I’m not paying you to sit around and mope, bitch! Back to your station!!

*sigh* Can we finally review “The Last of Us” next? I’ve been dying to finish that already…

Not until you update that PS3!!! I already told you the new update doesn’t brick your console anymore! And change that background theme already! Uncharted 3 was SO 2011!!!

Deadpool's Beefy Review Of Man Of Steel (2013) (Mostly Spoiler-Free. Nothing Major Though! Promise!)

The summer blockbusters continue to roll out faster than Vin Diesel on nitrous oxide, and we’re caught right in the butt of things as June finishes up. Although it seemed like the wait lasted forever, Man of Steel is at last upon us, and we can stop speculating about how awesome it is and simply TALK about how awesome it is now! Or can we? Read on to find out if I really meant what I just said there. (See that? That’s how I grab you. That’s called “TAKING” the reader!)

In today’s day and age, nobody at DC wants their heroes bouncy and happy if the Dark Knight trilogy will tell you anything. No; people want their heroes’ dark and brooding, with their nails painted black, and My Chemical Romance posters on their walls (… Remind me of what it is I see in the human race again???). Well, this is finally it. That dark-toned Superman movie you’ve always wondered about is really here. That can come at a bit of a price though, and admittedly it does in some areas, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s examine it for what it simply is… another fracking reboot! Unlike Amazing Spider-Man however, I think a lot of people actually WANTED a reboot of Superman after that last dud. It had potential, but it did not prevent the dud that was. Dud-dee-dud-dud-dud.

The origin story of young Kal-El (Superman for you “I don’t give a crap about your comics, you nerd!” folk. I know you’re out there…) is for the most part on par with what you’ve seen and heard in the past, whether you’re a comic junkie, a casual fan who’s watched the cheeeeeeeeeeeeezy previous movies, or some weird unholy fusion of the two, which is probably also ugly. Russell Crowe plays Jor-El (father of Le Supes), acting in a surprisingly bad-ass manor while trying to protect Clark/Superman/Kal-El/Idontcarewhatyoupick/lol from the stereotypically evil General Zodd. As we all know (but I’ll state again for those “cool” kids who are too proud to admit they don’t), Clark gets sent away in an escape pod while their home planet of Krypton is eventually left in ruins. Clark makes his life on Earth with the parental guidance of Jonathan and Martha Kent, teaching him how not to destroy the planet like a good Saiyan…, ah, I mean Kryptonian… Dragon Ball has no similarities to this… Why ever did I do that…? >>

We see a younger side of Clark, who gets picked on and bullied quite a bit, even though he could rip all the kids’ arms off without batting an eye-lash. In another interesting scene, we see a completely ridiculous bus accident, where the bus falls into a large body of water, and Clark of course comes to everyone’s rescue. Jonathan Kent actually tries to act like this is a bad thing because Clark risked others figuring out that he had special powers… Let me repeat that. Jonathan Kent SCOULDED his adopted song for saving over a DOZEN lives from drowning while trapped inside of a bus because someone “might” have discovered him. I just… Yeah, I’ve got nothing on that one. You’re a SICK man Pa Kent. SICK!!! Remind me never to ask YOU for any favors!

I should probably touch on Henry Cavill now (the guy who actually PLAYS Superman, ajhfdjhkjasfnjkhdf!). The guy knows his way around this part, and happens to play it very well. He even bore some resemblance to Christopher Reeve himself, with that ridiculously chiseled jaw, and unnaturally fit shape that all the guys look at and wonder how the hell he did it. Disturbing tweets from the fangirls aside, he really does a great job with the part. Lois is played by Amy Adams. She does her part well overall too, but there were some moments of social awkwardness that made me think she was just taken right from the world of her movie, Enchanted, and was still learning how to be a normal person instead of a singing cartoon character. She could have broken out into song for no reason and I wouldn’t have even thought it to be out of character. Srsly.

There’s also a great bit of juicy controversy regarding one of the final scenes of the film. Before I get to all of that and its juicy juice-ness, I’d like to go into the action itself. There are explosions, lots of explosions. MANY, MANY explosions! It’s not something like in the case of Transformers, where you’ll wonder if there’s anything else to the movie at all, but it is to be noted that Michael Bay probably had a boner after watching this one. I heard some complaints from others that the film was all mindless action/had no real plot/thought “This is not my Superman”/wonder “why can’t I ever get a date”/etc. I actually completely disagree with all of that. I think the action didn’t really come into the film until after the third quarter or so, where it was definitely like watching two flying Hulks going at it. However, everything before this was pretty much all story, with a few small exceptions. I don’t know where people got the notion that the entire film is nothing but action. Quantum of Solace was nothing but action. This was relatively small compared to that chase-scene extravaganza.

Now to the controversial bits you people won’t shut up about. One is that this film has little to no humor in it whatsoever. That’s a scary thing when it comes to the Superman mythos, and I admit, it bothered me a bit. I don’t mind Supes making a wisecrack once in a while, and that kind of character really took a step to the side here. The other (and the one I know I’ll hear the most bitching), is a decision Clark makes right around the end during the final fight scene. I won’t say what he did, but… wow, I did NOT see that one coming. M. Night Shyamalan could learn from this kind of twist. Now again, since I refuse to spoil this bit for anyone, I really can’t say what Superman did here, but know that it was probably not something you saw coming. I certainly didn’t. Hell, everyone in the whole theater got silent, even that annoying-ass little kid that wouldn’t stop whining. On that note, why the hell was a little kid in there? If a movie has Christopher Nolan’s name across it, you should NOT bring a child near there, unless you want to create another me… And I’ll let that action speak for itself. Look how well I turned out kids!! The burns still haven’t gone away!!! *thumbs up*

All in all, when you put it together, this is actually a pretty good film for what it’s worth, and easily one of the best Superman films ever made by default. I feel like there are many Christopher Reeve fanboys/fangirls that will write off Henry Cavill and not give him the credit he deserves for pulling off this part. But I think he was a perfect choice for this new reboot and I’m actually excited to see where they’ll go with things next (Oh, did I mention a sequel is already confirmed? Well… It IS! YEAAAH!). The pacing of the film was a little jumbly (due to the shifting between flashbacks and current scenes), and the lack of any and almost all emotion was kind of a downer. I also found it quite odd/hilarious that Superman was causing just as much destruction as the villains by the later parts of the film. He apparently cares though… *shrug* Also, did anyone else think that Russell Crowe must have somehow paid the studio to keep him in the film longer? Every time it seemed like we were done with him, he found another way to reach out to us and "teach us" once again! I guess no one ever really stays dead in comic stories, hehehe. But I STILL think the film is more than worth seeing, even despite all of that! Go watch and form your own opinion. Go ahead. I'll still be here.

7 shards of kryptonite out of 10

If only I had those kinds of abilities. Flight, super strength, heat vision… Oh, the bitches I’d get with that. Bitches love the super strength.

- Credit for this awesome picture goes to Vulture34

Ask Deadpool: Vol.1 (Let's Make Some History, Shall We!?)

Welcome to the first edition of “Ask Deadpool,” which is sure to become a collector’s item in the future! Please hold all applause until after the presentation is complete. With that said, let's crack this baby open!

Q: How do you feel about your place within the future of the Kingdom Hearts universe? – Thomas A.

A: As if screaming like a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t enough after discovering that Kingdom Hearts III is in fact a real thing; but then remembering that I may even get be a part of it next time!? Oh Sora, when I’m done with your game, it will no longer have a ‘T’ rating. This is my guarantee!

Q: Dear Deadpool, why aren’t you in Super Smash Bros. yet? – Stefan S.

A: I can assure you the ONLY reason for this is because I have not yet taken control of Nintendo headquarters. I’ve been spending all my recent time trying to take over Capcom first instead. The way I see it, Mega Man Legends 3 takes priority, and at this point, I believe Capcom has demonstrated that the only way we’ll ever get this game is through brutal violence and dismemberment… Same result for a better Resident Evil, AMIRITEFLKS!!1? ^_^

Q: Dear Deadpool,
Why is a raven like a writing desk? – Nina C.

A:

Q: Dear Deadpool, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? – Lucas D.

A: No thanks to that damn owl (!!!), I was able to determine that the result is actually going to be different for pretty much every person you do it with. For example, if you are a small animal, it will probably take over 1000 licks. If you are Gene Simmons, it will probably take about 5. The more you know…

Q: Dear Deadpool, why don’t you have an arch enemy named Livesnooker? – Dan H.

A: I’m going to answer that question with another question. Why are you NOT a current writer for Marvel!? Not only would that be an awesome anti-me, but we could probably make all kinds of stupid sports puns that would fly over people’s heads! You are definitely on to something good sir.

Q: Would you make a contract with me and become a magical girl? ^_^ - Kyubey

A: Well, normally I’d say no…, but your face seems trusting enough, so…




Q: To whom it may concern: If Timmy has 2 apples and Suzy has 3 apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? – Chad M.

A: The truth is, Timmy is actually fat as hell, and won’t rest until he has consumed all of his and Suzy’s apples, as well as everything in sight. Suzy sees Timmy in the distance and remembers “the incident.” One night, her parents mysteriously went missing, and the only thing the police found were some human bones that were confirmed to have been gnawed on. She knows that the end is nigh… The apples were merely a stepping stone for the main course… planet Earth!

And I thought I'd leave you all off with this little number...

Q: So Deadpool, what or who would you compare Microsoft’s Xbox One to? – Sam S.

A: Have you ever had an ex who was so creepy, that they still follow you around all the time? They act like they have no idea why you broke up with them in the first place (spying on you all the time, cleaning out your wallet just so you can do anything with them), insist on getting back together despite refusing to change their ways, and treat you like a jerk for even considering moving on to someone else that will actually treat you much better. They say “What’s so great about them, when I’m right around the corner?” And then when you once again remind them of the reasons why you’re never getting back with their stalker-ass, they start getting more spiteful and even try to make you pay them for the most mundane of things, like the resources they used to stalk you with in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is...




And there you have it folks! The first volume is under our belts and we can happily look forward to more as long as you keep supplying the awesome questions! Let's continue to rock this casbah!

Deadpool's Lens Flare-Free Review of Star Trek: Into Darkness (Spoiler Free Too! Yay!!!)

Welcome back folks! The summer “blockbuster” season is just starting to really get on its hind legs, and I’m just happy I don’t have to keep wearing ugly coats outside anymore! Seriously guys… They were so ugly… *sob*

But alas, I return to you all with great joy! The Star Trek reboot that J.J. Abrams cast upon us has finally returned to mark its territory. One of the things that made the first film so great was that it catered to both original fans AND people who didn’t know a damn thing about Star Trek from the beginning. It wasn’t perfect (as any long internet nerd-rant can already tell you… OMGZ!!! LENS FLARE!!!1!1!), and there were some plot holes and inconsistencies with the classic story that have other people up in arms. Personally? I just look at the film as its own separate thing and not as something really meant to be put next to the shows and films of the past. You hear that whiners? It doesn’t matter! There now, say it with me. Doesn’t that feel better? Maybe someday, I can teach you to talk to women too. No, not just the green women, gah! Without further delay (and fear of that escalating into far more disturbing conversations!!!), here’s my review of Star Trek: Into Lens Flare.

All of the major actors you loved/cursed at are back to make you love/curse at them all over again. Like the first film, this one takes a couple of loose threads from the old Star Trek stories and manages to turn the plot upside on its head. Saying it’s better or worse than the first film is actually difficult to do. They both go very well together and are both great films for all kinds of different reasons. It’s also a little strange. Even though this movie is much more dramatic than the first, it’s also got more “funny” moments than probably any in the entire line of Star Trek films to (star)date! A lot of them usually involved Spock’s social awkwardness, Kirk’s “lolimsogreat” lines, and of course Scotty, who needs no description; just applause. Long. Hard. Applause. We also got some awesome new performances from Alice Eve as Carol (who will likely be remembered for one scene in her underwear and NOTHING ELSE), and Benedict Cumberbatch as… John Harrison. I won’t give away his real role in the movie, but I will say this: Seeing Sherlock beat the living shit out of everyone and everything in his path was awesome, and he really played one scary mo-fo to boot! Once his true name and intentions become clear, you will be glued to the screen, and no amount of Goo Gone is going to be able to fix that.

The action is almost non-stop this time around, which some are either going to love or hate. This is not your father’s Star Trek; that much is certain. This is the newer, sleeker, Hollywood-y (haha… penis…) version, and that can come at a price sometimes. The film did try to take some obvious cues from another classic Star Trek film, but most of its overall uses felt pointless, outside of one scene involving Spock and the mysterious Mr. Harrison which was so cool, I almost didn’t even write this sentence until I remembered the rest of the movie wasn’t quite as cool. Seriously, dat climax scene. AWW! YEAH!

One more issue to address (since I made a cheap joke about it before) is the lens flare. Obviously, it was pretty ridiculous in the first film, to the point where everyone makes jokes about it now (and believe me, I will probably never stop, myself). This time? It’s still there, but it’s not nearly as obnoxious as it once was. No worries though. Anyone who wants to keep making jokes is free to do so, as you do still have plenty of material to work with. I’m not sure if anyone making the films actually thought this would be cool, but… Dammit J.J. Abrams, I’m a Deadpool, not a dentist patient! Get that light out of my face!

Whether you like this film or not will probably be determined by a few basic things. If you liked the first film, wanted to see more acting and stories in that style, are okay with the jokes being a little more over-abundant this time around, despite the film itself being darker, AND are overall forgiving of the things they continue to change about original Star Trek lore, then you’ll probably fall in love with this. Hollywood-y or not (… penis), this is still an excellent film and a great reminder of what made the “summer blockbusters” such a big deal in the first place. Oh, and happy to say it won’t try to insult your intelligence or anything either. No talking down to from the cast (except for Harrison, who will make you cry like a little girl and beg for mercy, which he will provide…, until you realize it was a trick and he kills you!).

This movie is just as good as the first, maybe a little better, maybe a little worse; but it’s still all kinds of awesome! Happy to say that not everything that Hollywood (………… ………………… ………………………… …… ………… ………… penis) touches turns to crap, and that this is a shining example of how it can still be done right for the most part.

9 Captain’s Logs Out Of 10

I’m going to go ahead and say it… I’m OKAY with him directing the next three Star Wars movies! Not EXCITED about it, but OKAY with it. There, I said it. I need to go lie down now… LENS FLARE!!!

Deadpool's Super-Charged Review Of Iron Man 3 (Yes, it's spoiler-free... STOP ASKING!)

I never thought we’d get to this point, but the warm(er) weather is finally upon us! And with that warmer weather comes movies; action movies. Action movies with explosions! Cue Iron Man 3, the long-awaited sequel to the kind-of-disappointing previous entry in the series.

The movie takes place after the Avengers film, which would usually set us up for disappointment after the awesomeness that was the freaking Avengers film, BUT lo and behold; this was actually pretty kick-ass too! You just have to read this to understand why (HA, I’ve locked you in now! You can’t escape bitches! ... Hey, hey, don’t run away! I was kidding!!! Damn American kids and your sensitivity. In my day, we had those parts cybernetically removed! Grow an artificial pair why don’tcha!?).

So by this point in the story, Tony Stark (played by the “sexy in a totally plutonic way” Robert Downey Jr.) is pretty shook up from the last movie; so much so, that he begins having panic attacks. As a result of this, he builds more and more Iron Man suits, because hard labor makes perfect sense when you’re having panic attacks (and again, I feel this is a good time to discuss those cybernetic enhancements I was raving about in the last paragraph. Takes the pain away, kids! *thumbs up*). Pepper Potts is however gettin’ real tired of Tony’s s@#t, and starts to grow more and more distant from him, which is funny because it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s like twice his height. (Seriously, look at how she’s barefoot in every scene with him while he’s wearing high-heeled shoes and STILL looks shorter! Go ahead and look; I’ll wait… You see it now? Wasn’t that freaking hilarious!? Haha, he can’t reach her at eye-level!)

Amongst all of this estrogen-fueled chaos, a new terrorist villain emerges called The Mandarin, who starts attacking different parts of the US and making videos about how he’s going to keep doing more of it. This doesn’t sound familiar to any attacks on the US in any way shape or form either… None… Also, I am a flying pig who farts out rainbows. True story. Anyhow, this doesn’t actually matter to Tony at all, until a security guard named Happy Hogan becomes a victim of one of the attacks. This character was never really a big deal in the movies, but for some reason, this sparked Tony to go bats@#t insane and threaten The Mandarin, giving him his personal house address. Mandarin takes that challenge, and all hell breaks loose.

This film is quite different from the previous Iron Man movies. I assume that new director Shane Black is the biggest reason for this. Instead of having a boatload of crazy action like the other movies, this one focuses more on story, development, and feels that will probably make you uncomfortable (Seriously though? Those cybernetic enhancements?). And you know what? I think that’s a great thing. Sure, call me crazy (and you should; I’m f@#king nuts), but this movie actually did well by focusing on its plot more. We finally got to start taking Tony and Pepper’s character more seriously, as well as many other characters in this film. James Rhodes and the Iron Patriot armor are excellent, but anyone who’s actually a fan of the Iron Patriot armor knows that’s not how it came to be, and it’s not nearly as epic as when Norman Osborne donned it with the Dark Avengers. But what do you care? You’ve never read that and probably just rolled your eyes at me. You think I didn’t see it? I’ve seen things you could probably arrest me for if you knew about it. Haha, yeah. Think about that before you go to sleep... ;)

Unfortunately, there’s not much more I can say about the movie without giving away srsly srs spoilers. Just know that it’s good; really really good. As long as you actually appreciate a good story, and are willing to deal with a little less action this time around, I think you’ll be really happy. Some of the pacing was a little slow, but I rarely got bored. It takes the plot of “Middle-Eastern terrorist attacks the US” and turns it so hard on its ass; you’ll start to wonder if there are some things your country’s media isn’t telling you about the world… lolz, couldn’t say all of that with a straight face. ^_^

9 sets of Iron Man armor out of 10

Joss Whedon (director of the Avengers film, along with the criminally under-appreciated series, Firefly) actually said he doesn’t know how he’s going to make a sequel after watching this film. Without giving anything away, I can understand where the poor guy is coming from. With that said, I openly invite Mr. Whedon to direct my movie instead. I can’t provide you all of the millions that Avengers banked you, but I CAN provide plenty of chimichangas, as well as my skills after the zombie apocalypse takes place. You may laugh at this request now, but this is no laughing matter. Besides, I’ve already stolen the blueprints of Tony’s old armor sets and tweaked it to my OWN specifications… Oh yes, that’ll do nicely…

Bioshock Infinite's Ending: A Discussion

(While I don’t think it needs to be said, I’m going to say it anyway: If you have not completed Bioshock Infinite yet, or do not want anything about the game spoiled for you in any way, then turn back right now!)

I think the best place to begin describing all I can about the events that unfold in Bioshock Infinite’s ending, would be to start with Booker DeWitt’s pursuit of Elizabeth, right after she gets captured by Songbird. Some of the stranger events of the game begin to unravel from this point moving forward. It was already interesting to see the effects of Elizabeth finding tears in the time/space continuum, but we didn’t really understand any significance of it up to this point. When Booker finally raids Father Zachary Hale Comstock’s mansion (where Elizabeth is being held), he discovers an Elizabeth from the future, who has apparently been tortured for years, due to the Songbird always failing Booker’s attempts at rescuing her. You see shots of city buildings (also from this future) being fired down upon by zeppelins in a wave of destruction. Elizabeth then advises that years of brainwashing have caused her to develop Comstock’s mentality and overall cause. Comstock’s entire goal was to make Elizabeth become an heir of his, after he took her on as his adoptive daughter. Elizabeth gives Booker a piece of paper with instructions on how to control Songbird. She then asks him to prevent this future from ever happening.

After returning to the present, Booker rescues Elizabeth, and they make their way to finally confront Comstock at the top of his zeppelin. As Elizabeth and Comstock begin to talk, he suddenly turns to Booker and asks him to tell Elizabeth why part of her finger is missing. This actually wasn’t brought up much at all until this point in the game; you simply got a glimpse of Elizabeth’s pinky finger with a thimble over it earlier on, and that was it. Booker claimed he had no idea what Comstock was talking about, and eventually became so enraged that he drowned him. Booker continues to say that he has no idea what Comstock was talking about. Elizabeth proceeds to making an enigmatic comment, along the lines of implying he does know, but can’t remember at the same time.

After a large amount of fighting on top of the airship (now with the aid of Songbird, thanks to the sheet of paper that future Elizabeth gave Booker), the two make their way to the Siphon. They order Songbird to destroy it, in order to take off Elizabeth’s remaining limitations, and search for the truth about… well, everything. Booker orders Songbird to destroy the Siphon, which also destroys the instrument he was using to control Songbird with. As Songbird is about to attack them both, Elizabeth opens up another tear, bringing them inside a building, while Songbird is trapped outside underwater, and eventually dies of the air pressure.

If you didn’t already figure it out, the two are now in Rapture, the underwater city from the first two Bioshock games. They slowly approach the surface while Elizabeth explains that she now sees this is simply one of many realities and possibilities. This is talked about further as they enter through other doorways and begin to see other versions of themselves. Elizabeth continues to say that each reality that they see are part of an infinite number of realities they can enter based on choices made in life.

The two eventually come to a door to Booker’s past, and we finally get to learn the real meaning behind the sentence that’s been haunting and confusing us from the beginning “Give us the girl and wipe away the debt.” Robert Lutece comes back into the picture once again, uttering this sentence to Booker in his apartment. We now see that this sentence is actually Robert asking Booker to give up a baby girl (Anna DeWitt) in order to repay some type of debt (which is never explained, though horse race ticket stubs around the desk in his apartment suggest it was gambling). He is of course reluctant to do this, but eventually gives in. He almost immediately changes his mind, however, and goes after Robert. In an alleyway, he finds Robert, Rosalind, and Comstock (who is now holding Anna in his arms). Booker attempts to stop him, but Comstock and the others begin to escape through a tear themselves. Booker almost manages to pull Anna away from Comstock, but falls short as the tear closes, and severs a part of Anna’s finger. If it wasn’t clear by this point, Anna and Elizabeth are one in the same. Comstock took Anna and adopted her as his daughter, Elizabeth. The fact that Elizabeth’s finger was severed is implied to be the reason she is able to create and open these tears in the fabric of time, as her severed finger was a sign that she was a part of two worlds instead of just one by that point. This also finally explains why Booker had the initials “AD” carved into his hand, and why Comstock created “false prophet” propaganda in his own world. He was preparing for the day that Booker would once again try to take back what was his.

By this point, we are told that Robert was angry at the way Comstock treated Elizabeth, and worked with Rosalind to get Booker into to the world that Comstock took her to, all so Booker could rescue her. This moment changed a lot of the game’s perspective for me, because I immediately remembered all of the instances in the game where you would see both Robert and Rosalind talking to each other in very odd and cryptic ways, all from when they first brought you in on the boat during the game’s introduction. The biggest stand-out moment was easily when they asked Booker to flip a coin early on, with a chart to show how many counts of heads and tails were made. The game hinted that this was not the first time Robert and Rosalind had sent a Booker in to get Elizabeth back. The number of times the coin was flipped on their chart was the biggest giveaway to this notion, implying they were all flipped by other Bookers of different realities.

Following these events, it is now revealed that the reason all of the Bookers of the past were unsuccessful is because no matter what Booker does to Comstock, he will continue to exist in other realities. Booker then makes the determination that in order to finally stop Comstock once and for all, he has stop Comstock from ever being born. Elizabeth remains silent after hearing Booker propose this, and simply follows him. We visited a memory of Booker’s where he went to be baptized after the murders he committed during the Battle of Wounded Knee. Just before the baptism, Booker backed out at the last second. In another reality, however, Booker accepted the baptism. After this, he found religion, and as probably the biggest shocker in the entire game, became Comstock. Comstock had become sterile after being over-exposed to the Lucete technology that we’ve seen in various uses throughout the floating city of Columbia. He decided that he wanted an heir related by blood, and chose to abduct Anna from Booker’s world.

After witnessing the baptism in Comstock’s reality, Booker is now made clear of what he has to do. Different versions of Elizabeth all come to this same spot to help Booker carry out his mission. In order to prevent Comstock’s reign from ever occurring, he allows the Elizabeth’s to drown him. After this occurs, the other Elizabeth’s all fade away one by one, leaving the original, of whom the screen fades to black on, right before the credits roll.

Post-credits, we are given one final scene. Booker is back in his apartment once more, and cries out to Anna in the other room. He opens the door to see if she is there, and everything is back to normal. Just as the door opens, the screen fades to black once again.

I think some people believed that the drowning scene meant that Booker supposedly killed himself and everyone around him, but the scene after the credits pointed out that this was not the case. It was simply the Booker of the reality where he became Comstock, being put to an end. This also now implied that the Elizabeth that you traveled the entire game with never existed, now that all traces of Comstock were eliminated. We were also shown that while Booker could relive any of the moments in his life they were coming across through the doorways; these events could not actually be changed despite. Booker would have likely gone back and never given Anna away again if this were the case. This made me confused about how Elizabeth was still able to drown Booker, but then I went back and noticed that when she and Booker were visiting other past memories, they were still able to interact with each other, despite everything else still moving in its proper motion. This sort of explains how she was able to intervene in this particular case, since they had been doing so from the start.

Starting the game after knowing all of this, I guarantee you’ll immediately start seeing other things you didn’t before. The whole starting sequence about climbing to the top of the lighthouse, for example, was in Booker’s head up until the point where he recovered from allegedly drowning early on. You also will immediately notice Robert and Rosalind carrying you to the lighthouse by boat. In the beginning, you probably didn’t think twice about them or if they had any relevance. The dead man that Booker found in the beginning with the “Do not disappoint us” note, was likely from either Robert, Rosalind, or maybe even Booker himself, from one of the other attempts on saving Elizabeth in the past. I also heard somewhere that the 1-2-2 sequence of the bell ringing in this scene was supposed to represent the number of times Booker attempted this in the past.

I have to say, I’m still trying to piece everything together, even now. There are so many details about the game that I’m sure I haven’t yet realized, and so many I have theories about, but also can’t confirm. One of the first thoughts that came to mind (especially after seeing Elizabeth and Rapture once again), was the fact that Elizabeth looks a lot like the Little Sisters from the first game. I believe if I were to go back to the first Bioshock game and compare it with this new entry, I would find a bunch of similar qualities. What if Jack (the main character in the first game) was another version of Booker, and Comstock was Andrew Ryan (the first game’s antagonist)? After Elizabeth revealing the secrets of the space/time continuum and the lighthouse portals, anything seems possible!

One thing that definitely confused me then (and still does even now), is why these vigors (the powers you use in the game) are sold and advertised constantly throughout the game; and yet it seems Booker is the only one to take advantage of them the entire time. It also seems a little less believable that we’d see ammunition sold (and placed in garbage cans, alongside money and other random things), in almost every vending machine in the city. Once again, the citizens of Columbia do not appear to get any usage out of these items, despite them being scattered all throughout. But it didn’t really take away from the experience, so these were minor gripes of confusion at best.

One thing I felt a little off about (and I have other friends who can back me up on this), is that I felt that the world inside the game felt slightly limiting due to this being a first-person shooter. I think that if this was a third-person action adventure, we may have been able to get even more out of the story and gameplay itself. The shooter violence felt a little over-the-top and even unnecessary to me at times; feel free to disagree.

If Ken Levine were to make another Bioshock game after this, things would clearly never be the same. To put it bluntly, we now know too much about the game’s universe(s). There would have be one hell of a twist within a twist, within a twist. Though I suppose if anyone could do it at this point, it’d be Ken Levine.

And that’s about everything I had on my mind up until this point about the game’s ending and its effects on other Bioshock entries. Feel free to add on, agree, or disagree with anything I wrote up here. I’d love to keep talking about this ending, as I’m also really glad that there are still great writers out there who can make something this deep and thought-provoking possible in the first place.

Deadpool's Slicey and Dicey Review of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance! (PS3/Xbox 360 Game Review)

I don’t always review games, but when I do, they’re f@#king awesome reviews! Take this new one for example. You don’t know it yet, because it’s down below here, but it’s awesome. Oh so awesome. Now, you people know me. I like to blow things up and slice everything to little pieces, because that’s just the kind of reserved intellectual that I am. Well, I’ve got a new game that has plenty of both, but mostly that slicing part! (Oh, how I do love me those slicing parts!)

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance is one of the most awkwardly titled games I’ve seen since… well, since Square Enix titled anything; period. But who cares about that? “What the heck is actually going on in this new entry?” is the question you should be asking, mainly because I doubt that I fully know myself. The game takes place after Metal Gear Solid 4, where everything should have ended, but Hideo Kojima decided “No, I still don’t want to make Zone of Enders 3 yet, so here’s another Metal Gear, because yes.” Now don’t get me wrong folks, I love me some Metal Gear! But Hideo can do other things. He really doesn’t have to keep making Metal Gear anymore. I think many were satisfied with the conclusion to 4, and didn’t expect more to come out unless it was in the form of another prequel. In fact, I heard this new one was going to take place after Metal Gear Solid 2, until that plan go scrapped; and now we have this awkward sequel where Raiden, the guy who performed some crazy-ass cyborg ninja skillz and then hung up the mantle to live a peaceful life, now returns to his crazy-ass cyborg ninja lifestyle. Once again, I couldn’t tell you the reason if I tried. It’s really not about the “why” in this case so much as the “how.” How does it play? How does it look? How does a game with a horrible camera system still get released in this day and age?

Promiscuous camera angles aside, the gameplay absolutely rocks! Imagine everything you’ve ever loved about God of War, Devil May Cry, Ninja Gaiden, and even Vanquish, and then imagine the Matrix films having its way with all of them (in a totally plutonic way!... >>). While you still run around like a madman, slashing anything in sight that you come across, you also have the ability to slow down time and literally cut in any direction you like. It will feel a little odd the first time you do it, but trust me; once you grasp the controls, it will feel like second nature, and that will feel awesome. I think the last time a game gave you this much freedom was Gravity Rush, and be honest; you don’t have a PS Vita so you have no idea what the hell I just said. The mobility is also quite nice. Is that helicopter shooting missiles at you? Then run/jump across those missiles and slice the crap out of his helicopter blades! Nanomachines, son!

The story is not as deep as the other Metal Gear games, since the focus is on all of slicey and dicey this time around (those sexy camera whores!). However, it does still contain a hell of a lot more story than most games of its type. You have access to the codec like you did in the other games, and can go through conversation after conversion about nothing and everything all at once. The cutscenes are also of reasonable length, and don’t feel too overly stretched or disappointingly short.

The soundtrack also deserves some credit here. It begins like your typical fast beats, guitar, and turntable sound effects, but you’ll quickly start to see it become a lot more once you get to the bossfights. You’ll hear the type of music I described above, but as the fight goes on, the boss’s health gauge begins to deplete, and you’ve got them down to about ¾ of it, that’s when shit gets real! Vocals suddenly come in to place, and the music gets much more prominent from there on out. It’s the perfect build up, just as you’re getting to the final rounds of the fight, and really makes the whole thing exciting as hell.

I can see this not appealing to some of the more hardcore fans of the Metal Gear franchise, simply because it’s very different from its predecessors, and that’s okay. I didn’t see a “Solid” next to that “Metal Gear” title. Did you? You sure? Really? I’ll let you check again if you want. No? Okay then. Personally, I think fans of the franchise will still find plenty to like. There are still bits of stealth (if you feel like it…, I don’t…), and even usage of the infamous cardboard box. It’s got all the ingredients of a good action game, and even a little bit more to separate it from that boring norm that we keep getting stuck with. Seriously, no more norm! It’s too mainstream!

Hipster Deadpool gives this game 8 meme jokes out of 10.

Seriously though, Kojima needs to stop making these. YES, I’ll keep playing them, but he needs to stop making them. Does that make sense? Who cares what you think!? Caring is too mainstream!!!