Deadpool's Dark And Angsty Review Of The Dark Knight Rises!!!

Hey there people reading this. I got a question for all ya’lls. In the face of adversity, when all hope seems completely lost and the cards of fate have been placed against you, would you rise to the challenge? Silly question; of course you wouldn’t. Look at you. Who the f@#$ are you!? No, I don’t want your Facebook page you idiot... Dark Knight Rises is a movie all about a guy who CAN rise to that challenge… after bitching and moaning for 8 years in solitude first. But the point is Bruce is back baby! Christian Bale returns to save Gotham City, kick lots of ass, and talk in that comically deep voice like he does. Seriously, with all that money and three films out there, you’d think he could have designed some kind of voice-changer or SOMETHING!

So it’s finally here. After the 5 year wait, we finally get the third (and likely last) film in Christopher Nolan’s trilogy of Batman movies. Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man films may have gotten people to take superhero movies a little more seriously (before dancing emo Parker emerged in the third film which shall remain nameless), but Nolan’s Batman trilogy really brought it all to form, especially with its second entry, The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger dominated that screen like David did Goliath. It was a tough act to follow; too tough. Hell, I’m not a dummy, I can’t even follow that! So how does this third film stack up in the trilogy sandwich? Does it compliment it nicely, or does it need more mayo? Let’s read on (and I’ll grab the mayo just in case…).

The first thing people are going to ask is if the movie is as good, or better than the last. And that’s just selfish. You’re going to read this damn review, get all the points down, and THEN make a conclusion, and you’re gonna’ LIKE IT! You spoiled kids with your “smart” phones. In my day, we were the smart ones!

The visual flair is just as high quality as you’d expect from the previous films, making all three flow together nicely. There’s also something to be said for these films continuing to churn out actors that play their parts really well. The only one that felt out of place to me was Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman). Don’t get me wrong, she did the part well, and it was a nice departure from princess role #462354, but I couldn’t help but feel like the movie was Dark Knight Rises: Featuring Anne Hathaway every time I saw her on screen. It was just… odd and out of place. I think if you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m glad she’s getting out of the usual roles everybody knows her for though. Being varied is fun like that. I think some day after my film comes out, I’ll then be featured in a romance, starring myself and uhhh… Kate Beckinsale. We’ll meet each other in a coffee shop and talk about how we both love writing books while wasting all our time in coffee shops, all while other people work for living. The twist will be that she’s actually a Viking. It’ll be epic!!!

The film is very good and picks up quite a bit in the last hour or so. The issue is that some may find the build up to be quite long and stretched out. I may be inclined to agree. This film had just as many flashbacks as the Speed Racer movie, and that’s beyond ridiculous! You don’t have to re-show bits of a scene FIVE times to get your point across! Two would be more than enough, YA HEARD!? All parts were also a little more drawn out than I would have liked them to be. It’s not that any moments were bad per se, but I felt like almost a quarter of the 2 hours and 45 minutes of this movie could have been taken out or cut better. Chop chop chop chop! The main events themselves really do bring all three films together and provide a satisfying conclusion. Bane, while not as terrifying as the Joker, was still quite fearsome on his own. He also contributes to a whole lot of ass-kicking in the film. His voice can get a little silly sometimes though. I was certain Sean Connery was behind that mask at least three times during the film, and was disappointed finding out it wasn’t all three of those times! I’ve never seen him portrayed as such an intelligent brute before, probably being what makes him seem so powerful; because knowledge is power. GEEEEEE EYE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!... I’m sorry; I’m required to follow that sentence with the one before it. The balance of the Earth would be disrupted if I didn’t. True story.

It’s hard to say if the conclusion to everything was truly satisfying or not, looking back at my last two paragraphs where I said the complete opposite. The climactic moments of the movie didn’t quite get to the places I was hoping or expecting. They were still good however. Something people need to realize is that not many third films in a series end up living up to the first two, and that it’s actually a miracle these movies turned out so well. It was all still well-made and overall well-executed. I’d argue this is easily the best trilogy of superhero movies ever made, but if I did, Marvel would probably maybe kinda let me go. And I can’t let that happen. I need my meal ticket baby! (… Can you believe Marvel actually pays me to f@#$ s@#$ up!? Gotta love this country.)

So basically, yes, you’re going to see it. Yes, you’re going to tell your friends you saw it. And hey, if you’re not a gullible little chump, then maybe you will notice all those flaws I mentioned too without simply clapping during the credits and shouting “OMG BEST BATMAN EVAR!!!1!1! I’MA TELL EVEYBODY EVEN THO THEY ALREDY NO!!1!” It’s still a great film and a great end to a great trilogy of movies that we won’t soon forget. It’s no Dark Knight, but what the flying f@#$ is, ya communist?

8 Wonderful Toys Out Of 10

Deadpool's Amazing Review Of... The Amazing Spider-Man 2012!!! (Movie Review)

Hello again fellow readers! Glad to see you haven’t given up on ol’ Deadpool as of late! Well, I want you all to know I haven’t given up on you yet either! I mean, you actually continue to read all the BS I post here, so I can’t be all bad… Unless you just think I’m awful and want to see how much worse I can possibly get… Omigosh! That’s not it, is it!? I will totally write a super-long angst-y post in my Livejournal if it’s true! Yeah… That’ll show all you masochists… Oh wait, that’s right. I’m the masochist! YEEEEE!

So an extraordinary thing happened here folks. After Sam Raimi decided to call it quits on making more Spider-Man films, Sony got antsy, and immediately announced they’d be rebooting the Spider-Man franchise. This means (you guessed it, you sly devil you) that we have a new film which actually retells the origin story of ol’ Webhead once again! Allllll so that Sony could keep the movie rights. Oops! Did I say that out loud? I know what you’re already thinking. “Uncle Deadpool, again? Seriously!?” That’s right my friends; the history of Spider-Man has now officially been retold more times than the Bible. I’d complain, but I love the fact that comic book-related things are getting more exposure… aaaaand Marvel’s kind of my homeboy. Just sayin’.

Of course, in order to market this reboot, they couldn’t simply give us the same story with new actors/actresses and a new creative team, could they? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, yes and no. All of the basic elements you remember from the previous Spider-Man film are mostly present, with a few small changes. The most notable being that we finally get Gwen Stacy as the original love interest instead of Mary Jane, as it SHOULD be! We also finally get to see the Lizard as a main villain, and some hints about Peter Parker’s parents for the first time. Probably the biggest changes of this new version are the grittier feel of the new world presented here, and Peter’s “rebellious teen” attitude in the movie in general. Some serious sheet goes on here this time and I’d say the series is better for it. It’s pretty much what New York City would be like if I were in charge, but with a little less prostitution… Just a little… Oh, and web-shooters are back! No more gross organic “web from the wrist” tripe. Yucky.

The acting performances are all quite good in general. Andrew Garfield, the one I was worried about the most, actually does a decent job of playing Peter, while Emma Stone (who is pretty much awesome in everything she plays)… continues to be awesome like that part in the brackets I just described there. They actually have a chemistry that works very well. Don’t get me wrong; the dialogue between them makes Gigli look like a presentable movie… loljustkidding, but they have this knack for making you smile like an idiot every time they talk to each other about little things. Everyone in general pulls off the parts rather well, and most importantly, they pull them off rather accurately. To realize how good Garfield is for this part, you have to remember how bad Toby Maguire was for the part. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all awkward as sin, which is correct for this, but Maguire’s more like an awkward human being in general, so it’s a little different. It’s not even that Garfield was more accurate to the comic book persona; he’s just a more interesting person in general. Shame that the new costume is so dang fugly! I hope I don’t get some crazy redesign like that when my movie comes out in 20XX. I’m deformed enough as it is you know. :/

There are a lot of reviewers out there that are going to bash this movie for existing. If you don’t know what that means, let me break it down for you a little. This reboot came pretty quickly overall. Is it necessary that it did? Absolutely not. Does that mean it’s fair to give it bad review scores because it came out when it did? I don’t think so. I think a film should be judged on its own merit, because I’m Deadpool, and I stand against those things that everybody else is for! (Vote for me.)

Good film or not, however, there are some serious bones I have to pick with the people who edited this movie. For one thing, this really isn’t a complete film. A bunch of scenes were deleted from the final product, making the whole movie seem quite disjointed when you actually stop to think about all the events that occurred. I won’t go into any specific details, but a lot of things were left unexplained and forgotten about. Whether or not all of these threads will come together in subsequent sequels is yet to be seen, but either way, this was an UUUUUUUUGLY finished product here folks! The rumor is that they took out a major plot revelation involving Peter’s parents that they are either saving for the sequel, or scrapped altogether. Some people may even argue (after finding out what said revelation is) that it was better off taken out. My thoughts? Nova forbid they actually tried something DIFFERENT for a change!!! No no, it’s totally cool that they wanted to present the same bloody thing once again. I have no problem with that. I’m not bitter. I’m not going to go to my Livejournal and bitch about it in long paragraphs, saying how my life is now ruined as a result of this crap… Shut up, you probably already did it too you hypocrites! I'm going to go eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's. At least those are men that understand me... :'(

So to wrap this all up in a tangled web, the movie is good; quite good in fact. This doesn’t make the glaring flaws any less obvious, but the important thing is that we do have a generally great cast set up for this reboot and the film was a fun little romp around anyway. I can’t give this a great score with all the plot hiccups however. The film is virtually incomplete the way it is, so I’m going to have to grade it as such. Don’t you point that finger at me you jerk! You think I want to give it a lower score!? You’re buggin’ man! You're freakin' buggin'!

7.5 Origin Story Reboots Out of 10

I do very much have hope for the future of this series of movies however…, more than the likelihood of my own film getting released at this point in fact. Come on Marvel; what’s he go that I don’t? I’m smart, cunning, DEAD sechsey, and I’m even self-aware of all the ways you used to ignore me before I became more popular. That’s got to be worth something, right!? I’m the Amazing Deadpool damn it! And with great power comes great loads of ass-kicking!

Music Review: Rush - Clockwork Angels (2012)

How many rock bands can one name off the top of their head that have released over 20 studio albums in their career? Other than some of the obvious answers like Elvis Presley, Yes, The Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash, Jethro Tull, Frank Zappa, etc., you likely won't have much to go by. Well, it seems another band might just pass that mark, at the rate they are going with their 19th studio release. Rush, the Canadian rock legends, have returned once again, to show us why they're still a major force to be reckoned with.

Upon first glance, one will immediately notice the album cover; an interesting picture of a clock, with alchemical symbols instead of regular numbers. Even more interesting is the time that the clock is displaying. On the first look, you may think it's simply pointing at a random time (9:12 in this case), but a second peek will quickly reveal that it is actually saying 21:12 in military time. This is of course a reference to their breakthrough album, 2112; a fan-favorite and for good reason. That release combined wonderful musicianship with some creative narrative to drive the whole thing together. At first I didn't think there was going to be much meaning behind it all, but opening the booklet put that thought to rest. Similar to the original LP jacket for the 2112 album, Clockwork Angels also contains written narrations for each song on the release. Drummer Neil Peart has gone back to work as a lyricist in ways we haven't seen in decades.

Though the band originally denied this being a "concept album," that's obviously just what we received here. The premise involves a young man's travels across a land of steampunk and alchemy, filled with pirates, a carnival, an encounter with an anarchist/terrorist, and a Watchmaker forcing beliefs and precision down the throats of others, all while searching for lost cities. This is the type of sci-fi/fantasy epic many fans have wanted to hear again since the 70's. Personally, I had given up on that notion. I never thought we'd get a project like this from Rush again, after so many years of changing direction.

The musical diversity of this album is also going to come as quite a surprise to many. The best concept albums out there can make songs that flow well together, but more importantly, can stand on their own just fine too. This is one of those feats. The first two tracks, "Caravan" and "BU2B," were previously released before, but have new mixes that leave them sounding fresh. The intro to "BU2B" is perfect, and adds a whole new layer of emotion to the song going in. Those hoping for a new "epic" track will be thrilled to hear the actual title track, "Clockwork Angels," as this one truly shows the bands creativity at top form. There are many twists in the song, as well as changes in tempo and time signature to keep you on your toes. This one actually gets more exciting with each listen instead of less. The following tracks are all of amazing variety, between the classic-Rush tone of "The Anarchist," to the beautiful finish in "The Garden," which caught me completely off guard and ended the album on a very heartfelt note. Geddy's voice has mellowed over time, but in a way that leaves him sounding more pleasant as he utters each lyric. Alex is still as good a guitarist as he ever was, and picks up the pace with Neil's complex drumming and Geddy's heavy bass playing just fine.

I never thought I'd be saying this about any band so far into their career, but after over 30 years, Rush have once again moved forward in ways I never thought I'd see. All three members are still at the top of their game and don't appear to be stopping anytime soon. Imagination has returned to rock music. I just hope the generations of today will look at projects like this, and feel encouraged themselves to start "thinking big."

10 alchemical conjurations out of 10