Deadpool's Unforgotten Movie Review of X-Men: Days Of Future Past (2014)

Wowee zowee folks! Have I got a doozie of a review for you! If you thought that Fox was dead in the dumps when it came to their X-Men movies, I think we might finally have something that'll wipe that ugly trash-talking smirk off your Cheetos-encrusted face!... Yeah, I eat them too...

So what do you do when you have a decent first film, an excellent sequel, a GODAWFUL sequel to THAT, and two spinoff movies than can only be described with the following picture?:

(Though to be fair, X-Men: First Class was pretty boss.)
You RETCON IT OUT OF EXISTENCE, FOOLS! That's right. You take a classic X-Men comic story involving time travel to undo all of the crap that made you start to hate the franchise in the first place! Brilliant! But what's this story actually about anyway? Well, the plot is still pretty simple overall: Sentinals have decided to now look nothing like the ones in the comics and are obliterating everything and everyone. The remaining mutants in the world all band together to devise a way to stop them. This eventually results in Wolvie (Hugh Jacked-Man)'s mind being sent back to his body in the 70's to prevent this cataclysmic future from ever occurring. Certainly engaging enough to keep you interested right off the bat, right? But wait! There's MORE!

Because this is a time travel story, we get to see great acting performances from BOTH sets of casts from the previous series (the original, and the all-new younger super hip teen group), along with some new additions. So you get your Halle Berry as Storm fantasies brought back to life, you get your Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique fantasies brought back to life, and now your Peter Dinklage as Bolivar Trask fantasies also come to form!... Come on, I know you're out there. Tyrion Lannister fans in the houuuuuuuuuse!!!! >_>

Some interesting differences occur between the original comic (which compromised of a measly TWO issues, despite what Marvel will tell you with those gigantic graphic novels full of side-stories) and the movie. For one, the comic takes place during the year it was written, 1980, with the future year being 2013. (So yeah... apparently we've already been saved from this threat according to Marvel. Go mutants!!!) In the movie, we go back to 1973, which apparently makes for much funnier inside jokes about the era, and Richard Nixon. What was really different this time around however, is the person who actually travels back in time! In the comic, it was none other Kitty Pride herself! Ellen Page still does a great job with her part in this movie, but I wish we could have seen her do more in this.

Without going into spoilers about who, where, what, why, and when (because I already answered that last one!), we are also introduced to the character Quicksilver, played by Evan Peters. For those who already know about his powers and history, you can imagine why he's an interesting addition to the crew. He also happens to have one of the best and funniest scenes in the entire movie. If you've seen it in theaters, then you know what I'm talking about. You couldn't even hear anything else besides the crowd howling..., and that damn baby who wouldn't shut up. You know who you are, baby. You know what you did...

Seeing both the older and newer casts come together was really an interesting sight to behold, and pretty much everyone played their roles perfectly. Jennifer Lawrence almost stole the entire show once again, which is really saying something since Hugh Jackman was practically leading all of these movies otherwise. While Lawrence killed it with the emotional performance, Jackman literally killed everything in the room. I also owe an honorable mention to James McAvoy who's young Charles Xavier really hit the part and the emotion of his situation down pat. Twas' good times all around!

Working with time travel is never an easy thing to do or explain in the long run of a storyline. Doctor Who is the worst victim of this, as the more plot threads get developed, the more things become wibbly wobbly and timey wimey all in the course of a few seasons. I'm happy to say that for the most part, this movie plays out the time travel card well, and without too many hiccups (though they are a few, but it's all nitpicking at this point). I also liked their theory about time being like a pool of water, where you can drop a pebble in it, but eventually the waves will come back to form. That s@#t was deep, son.

My condolences also go out to the baseball stadium that was sacrificed in the crossfire of this movie's character battles. I'll be attending the funeral next week and giving a speech about how he was a jolly-ol stadium and lived his concrete life to the fullest. *sniff*

... The White House suffered too, but I didn't give a s@#t about that...

The movie also leaves you with a lot of questions and an after credits sequence that will make even the most casual comic book readers eyes gleam with anticipation. I know I'm on board!

9 references to 70's humor out of 10

Hey, if all of that stuff was undone... then that means... THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR A DEAPOOL MOVIE!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'll hopefully see you all on the flipside now that there IS a literal flipside!

Deadpool's Anatomically Correct Movie Review Of Godzilla (2014)

I don't know about you people (that's right, YOU people!), but when I think of spring/summer blockbusters, I usually associate them with action and a ton of explosions, and yet I still can't help but loathe everything Michael Bay stands for. Go figure. Well, with this point in the year, we've now been granted access to a reboot of one of the biggest franchises in all of Japan. Say it with me folks, "IT'S GODZILLAAAAAA!!!!"

That's right everyone. After finally realizing how much America completely effed' up the big green guy in 1998, Gareth Edwards decided to take the mantle and start things from scratch. And that's what they literally did. This is a reboot straight from the beginning of it all. You'll immediately notice little winks and nudges to the original story with lines like "In 1954, we awakened something..." amongst many others.

It's also nice to finally see Bryan Cranston in something after the awesomazingness that was Breaking Bad. Even if the trailer kind of lied to us in terms of how much we'd actually be seeing him here; he's in this, and he's awesome in it. As the over-the-top scientist Joe Brody, Cranston does an excellent job of convincing us that "s@#t just got real" and that more importantly, "s@#t's about to get realer if we don't do something about it!"

Joe Brody's son, Ford is one of the other most important human characters that you'll come across. While Joe's character was more to relay the craziness going on around you, Ford's part is more the character that actually goes and tries to stop the madness taking place. While he's got nothing on Cranston (yes, I am completely biased, thank you for asking!), he still gets the job done, even if most of the human acting in this is a bit on the stale side. But let's be honest here; who the hell goes into a Godzilla movie for human drama? I'll tell you who...: Communists. There, I said it.

So you may or may not be surprised when I tell you this film is actually quite slow-paced in its first half. How does that make you feel? Personally, I was a little off-put by it at first, but that was only because I didn't know about the super ultra omega crazy awesome dominance that was the second half. But more about that later. Let's get to the real reptilian meat of this review: MOTHERF@#KING GOJIRA MOTHERF@#KERS!!!

So as many of you already know, the new Godzilla... has put on a few pounds. But that's okay! In today's day and age, Americans have learned to appreciate the voluptuous curves and the love (handles) that they bring. Personally, I like 'em with a little meat on their bones myself... Ah, giant lizards I mean. What did you think I was talking about!?... Perv...

So on top of being as wide as a house, the new Godzilla is also quite tall. In fact, I believe this is the tallest he's ever been on screen. Those MUTO creatures he comes to face don't stand a chance... Or do they? SPOILER FREE REVIEW, BITCH! Go and watch it like the rest of us and see! Muahahaha, I cracketh me up.

So, that second half of the movie, right? While the slow pacing in the first half is going to be at a bit of a downer for some (and understandably so), and others are going to argue that he didn't get nearly enough screentime (also understandable; hell I even agree with that one!), the remains that when he does finally have his time to shine, BOY does he shine like someone stuck a sun up his scaly behind! I can name offhand, two particular moments that actually caused the theater audience to shout and clap almost uncontrollably. It was THAT good!

The camera angles do a good job of making you feel like you're part of the cast, and thrown into this nuclear clusterf@#ck alongside everyone else. You'll never see the camera pointing over the monster's heads; always below, where we belong on their laughably better scale of the food chain. While the science behind the entire thing wasn't really explained with as much detail as the original classic film, it was enough to guide you through the motions and not make you feel like you were being talked down to as an audience at the same time. And that's good, because we've got plenty of news networks that already try that shtick on us (and unfortunately succeed... Seriously, who ARE you people?).

The soundtrack is likely not going to be too memorable to the casual ear, but again, fans of the classic film will notice a lot of similarities in the simplicity and ferocity behind it all. It's got all the pounding drums and ferocious trumpet-work you could possibly want in this, and I'll look back on the whole thing pretty positively.

So overall, this movie was actually quite awesome, even despite the slow beginning and hit-or-miss actors that went along for the ride. Every insult you could possibly come up with (besides Fatty McFattFatt) is more or less overturned by the excellent results of the later half. If you like your movies with destruction, but a decent plot to pull it altogether, it's hard to go wrong with this Dinosaur/Reptile/Lizard/Thingy!

8 Shots of Ice Breath Out of 10

Giant Lizard/Dinosaur/Whatevs are no joke, people! I've fought many of their kind in the past. They're always self-conscious about their weight, they act like eating an extra twig is somehow going to be considered "cheating," they always breath really loudly in your face... Eh, but they are nice to cuddle definitely... Ah, of course I'm still talking about giant lizards! Goodnight folks! >_>

Deadpool's Lack-Of-Spider-Puns Movie Review Of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Happy weekend everybody! Hope you all got your fill of comic-y goodness these last few days. Between the release of the new Amazing Spider-Man #1 (comic), Free Comic Book Day, AND the release of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (film), this has been one hell of a time (especially for Marvel, who is clearly making BANK on all three of these things)!

Even before coming out, we already knew this series of movies was suffering some pretty bad backlash from fans. The number of people who actually wanted another Spider-Man reboot only five years after Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3 were a whopping ZERO, so it was only natural we were all going to hate on it before we even knew what it was. Once we did know, that only made it worse for many once again. But if you look back on my super mega shiny coated review of the first film, you'll remember I actually still gave it a decent score. I think Andrew Garfield did a great job with the part (mainly in the Spider-Man aspect), and Emma Stone was an excellent Gwen Stacy (even if she really SHOULD have been Mary Jane instead in my freaking opinion).

So now we come back to things years later. The movie immediately starts with another flashback about Peter's parents. Those hoping Marc Webb would just drop it with them will be disappointed when they get proverbially slapped across the face multiple times by their inclusion in this movie. I personally don't mind going into their background more, as I felt there were things purposely left out of the first film in order to flesh their story out more here. I still wonder if they're trying to go a route similar to J. Michael Straczynski's "Spider Totem" story arc. If you don't know what that is, you might want to brush up just in case they try to make this sheet canon in the long run.

Once we get back to Spidey and the gang, we are treated to some of the corniest and most groan-inducing superhero movie scenes since the 90's. I'm not kidding. The first quarter or so of this movie almost made me want to write the entire thing off, it was that badly done. I'm sure kids will find Spidey pulling a guy's pants down with his webbing to be hilarious, but I think most people in the audience are going to roll their eyes during all of this. And don't even get me started on the image of Captain Stacy haunting Peter because he didn't keep his promise. Just. Don't. Even.

Things don't really get any better with the introduction of Jamie Foxx's character, Max Dillon/Electro. Completely socially awkward in the way that's really just sad/annoying instead of funny/uplifting, he bumbles from place to place, talks to himself, and is completely obsessed with the wall-craller. Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like Justin, the guy who writes these blogs... HAHA. He still can't eat sugar...

Thankfully, the rest of movie picks up significantly. Harry Osborne (played by Dane DeHaan) actually does a ridiculously good job with the character, making you really feel for his predicament, but also want to jump in there and slap him across the face for being an ignorant rich white person. All in all, that's what I call GOOD acting!

The action also brings itself to a whole new level when Electro hits the stage. The city starts lightning up and powering down like crazy when Electro fights Spider-Man... with the power of DUBSTEP! I always said that kind of music was going to kill people, and NOW I HAVE THE PROOF! The effects budget clearly went into all of these scenes, and it shows. They look..., dare I say it, amazing! THIS is the reason to see the movie in theaters above all else. There were even some creative musical touches as the movie went on. I wonder if Jamie Foxx himself actually had anything to do with that, as it doesn't seem like something that the other people behind the film would have thought of.

Of course I have to give a nod off to the chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone once again. They are the cutest damn couple, and it's actually kind of unfair how cute they are. How the hell are the rest of us supposed to compete in the P.D.A. department when that kind of s@#t is going around!? (For those who didn't already know, they're actually dating in real life now. SPOILERZ! LAWL!)

But now I have to bring us back to the bad... This movie is bloody ALL OVER THE PLACE! Every time someone is getting somewhere with something, the scene flips over to another thing! By the end of the movie, you're really going to feel like you were just there to watch a long, wibbly wobbly primer for the inevitable sequel. It also doesn't help that any impact of the "big climactic scene" near the end was more or less lost due to the rush job thrown in at the end. Did the creators learn nothing from Spider-Man 3!? You need to LIMIT the number of villains in these films, not tack on as many as you can fit! GAAAAH!!! Unfortunately, my worst fear was confirmed in that just like Spider-Man 3, they tried to do far too much in one film and caused another pacing disaster-fest. I'm not going to knock the entire movie over this (as I still consider it to be better than Spider-Man 3, and slightly better than the first Amazing Spider-Man), but surely these directors and producers have to realize what a pain this is to the fans, and classy young reviewers such as myself. *BURP*

All in all, this movie is still enjoyable, and the fight scenes and effects are sure to dazzle. The story however, could have used some serious work, in order to feel less like someone chopped up a bunch of storyboards and mixed them all together in a cauldron. Personally, I wish they could mix the Peter Parker of Tobey Maguire with the Spider-Man of Andrew Garfield to form the true Ultimate Spider-Man... No pun intended.

7.5 Tangled Webs Weaved Out Of 10 (Yes, I'm aware that's the same score I gave the first one. BITE ME!)

And of course, like a sucker, we're all going to see the next movie regardless of how it turns out. I'm sure Sony realizes this too, even if it didn't make as much opening weekend as any of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films. All I know is I now have a new fight style to train in... The style of DUBSTEP!!!

WUB WUB WUB WUB!!!