Come one, come all! Yes, it's me again. I can't even believe
I'm back, myself! You all know I wouldn't do another one of these awesomely
spectacular reviews, if it was not a title worth pursuing. Well everyone; I do
believe I have found that title! No, it's not the new Venom movie. It's not The
Hate U Give. It's not Bohemian Rhapsody. So what IS it!? My friends, let me
direct you to a movie I randomly discovered on my Netflix... The name of this
fascinating piece of cinema? ... Spooky Buddies!
NO NO, WAIT! DON'T LEAVE! PLEASE, JUST HEAR ME OUT! My
readers; neigh, the WORLD needs to know about this!
So Deadpool, how bad or amazing can it be? Oh honey, have a
seat. I have quite the tale to tell.
Marking the apparent 5th (!!!!) spinoff of those amazing Air
Bud movies that somehow keep getting made, Disney decided to put this one
direct-to-DVD, showing they must have had complete confidence in its success.
The plot? Oh yeah, it's got a plot... Hoo boy, does it have
a plot...
So the story begins with an evil Warlock named... get ready
for this..., Warwick the Warlock! His goal? To kidnap (because no one ever
thinks of just asking nicely...) 5 puppies, and sacrifice their souls to the "Howlloween
Hound," which will then open up a portal to ghosts. If that sentence didn't
just make you shout "WHAT THE F@$KING F^&K!?" at your screen,
then you can't possibly be human. Yes, it's all true, and he even succeeds in
sacrificing 4 of them (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) before he is finally stopped by local
police, and concerned citizens looking for their puppies. He's also got a pet
owl henchman, because F&*K you, that's why!
The last puppy (Pip), who's soul was separated from his
body, but not successfully sacrificed to the hellhound, was now stuck in the house. The police decided to simply lock up the place, and not examine anything,
like any responsible cop would do. 75 years pass...
Now we join the main cast; a group of 5 irresponsible kids
with names I don't care to remember, and their group of 5 dogs who happen to be
like little counterparts to each one of them. I don't remember most of their
names either by this point, but one of them is called B-Dawg. B-Dawg is a
rapper for some reason. He talks with "yo's" and "dawgs" at
the end of his sentences. I believe the writers thought this would be funny. In
a laughably offensive way, it kind of was.
B-Dawg is completely scared about the house, and the legend
that if you say "Howlloween Hound" three times into a mirror, it will
release said hellhound. To prove he is not scared (even though I just said he
obviously is...), he goes in the house to do it. Pip's ghost sees B-Dawg and
tries to stop him from reciting the name, but he was too late...
Meanwhile, one of the kids (I think his name was Billy?
Whatever, I don't really care.) decides to do his school project on Warwick. He
goes to the police station to look at the previous reports about him. For some
reason the cop also allows Billy to take Warwick's magical staff. I mean... Wow.
Just... wow.
Two kids who reminded me of Bulk and Skull walk in on all
the shit going on in the haunted house, only to be turned into rats by Warwick,
who is now free once again! He comes up with another nefarious plot, alongside
his owl and hellhound companions, to steal 5 MORE puppy souls... Is this what being high is like?
Cue the overlong chases on Halloween night between Warwick
and the kids, a surprising amount of Christian overtones, a completely racist
portrayal of a Romani dog, and scenes that blatantly rip off of Hocus Pocus,
and you've got yourself a hellHOUND of a time! It was almost fascinating to see
who would succeed in their goals against the other, as most people in this movie
did not possess even an iota of intelligence. Victories came down to who
screwed up more than the other.
I could stop there, but I WON'T! No, there is still more to
discuss. I need to talk to you about how this Howlloween Hellhound was actually
defeated. I typically avoid spoilers, but I believe this is an important piece
of information; quite possibly vital to the survival of humanity itself!
So, another dog, Budderball, got involved in all of this
too, right? The hellhound found him and began to suck the soul out of him.
What's a dog to do? Well, for some reason, he and B-Dawg had it all figured
out. After B-Dawg gave the signal, Budderball let out a huge fart to stop him.
It caused the hellhound to actually turn to stone, himself. WTF happened!? Did
the fart cloud repel this blast that literally sucks the soul out of a person's
body? Does Budderball himself have powers that can suck the souls out of other
dogs by flatulence? Are we all just lost souls, waiting for Budderball to fart on us? These are just some of the many philosophical questions that Spooky
Buddies will leave you with.
Did this movie change my life? Yes, I do believe so. I now
know that children's movies with really horrifying shit in them continue to
exist, that extreme stereotypes are still very much a thing, and that there is
absolutely no hope for us as a species.
What's that? No, no, I don't dare give such a film a score
out of 10. This piece of cinema is very much in its own category. If you are an
adult, you may be shocked by what you see. If you are a child, you probably won't care about any of this, and will wonder why I just wasted so much time
talking about a children's movie that has no bearing on anything in the world.
And to that, I say: Hey... Shut up! That was harsh and probably true, you
ingrate!
Happy Howlloween, everybody!!!
