My First Impressions Of The Playstation 4

Some of this may come off as rambling, but I feel that’s the best way to get the most of my thoughts out in this particular case. I had a lot of things go through my head as I booted the PS4 up for the first time and saw what Sony is describing as “the future of gaming.” While I don’t know if the “future” is too different from what we have now, it’s still an interesting topic discussion.


First off, we have to talk about the design of this thing. It has a slanted look that makes the whole thing very sleek and artsy-looking. Some may write it off as odd, but I like it. This look comes at a bit of a price however. For one thing, the shape makes it a little difficult to reach around the back if you’re plugging in the connector cables. It also doesn’t help that the system has a bit of a wobble to it. Yes, if you press down on the left side of the system, it will wobble like that annoying table you’ve questioned keeping until you remembered how expensive new tables are. It’s not a deal-breaker or anything (I’ve got mine on a surface that doesn’t even have this problem), but something to note if you were just going to sit it on a flat table. One last bit of weirdness to note is the power and eject buttons. Most people probably won’t even see them (I didn’t!) the first time around. They’re tiny, and placed in between the small crevices of the system’s left-center. Honestly, they’re just odd. I’m not even sure I can call that sleek like the rest of the system, but I could see why people would say it is. The blue/white light that emanates on top of the system is quite nice-looking as well. Everything else is about how you’d expect. 2 USB ports in the front and standard ports in the back round it all up.


The controller tries to take the best features of the Dual Shock 2 and 3 and implement a little bit of touch-pad ability as well. It feels about the same as the previous versions despite, though the analog sticks thankfully aren’t popping out like the previous two iterations, and actually point inward, not unlike the Xbox 360’s controller. I always found this to be the more effective method for analog sticks, and am glad Sony finally caught on to using them this way. The shoulder buttons are about the same as last time for better or for worse (as I still find myself hitting the R2/L2 triggers by accident!).


When you first turn everything on, the visuals aren’t going to look too drastically different from what you’ve seen on the PS3’s dashboard. You mainly have all the same functions as before, but switched around a bit into a setup that some might or might not find easier. Personally, I don’t see much difference, but do feel it is at least a bit smoother than before. Putting in a new game disc can be a bit of an annoyance if you’re hoping to simply start the game right from start up. You will have to install some data onto the hard drive and depending on the game; it could be as high as 50 GB or more per title! Thankfully, I haven’t experienced any games with an install size that high yet, but this could quickly become taxing for those who don’t want to replace their hard drive with a larger one right away. You can also start with all of the same video apps you used previously (Netflix, Hulu, Crackle, Crunchyroll, etc.), and they work about the same as they always have.


It’s the game visuals you really want to hear about however, so I’ll get right into that. I played a total of 3 games so far (as well as a timed demo I tried briefly). The first game was Resogun, a shoot-em-up in the vein of classic titles like R-Type and Geometry Wars. While the game itself is simple enough (fly around in a circular plane, blowing up other ships, rescuing people, and upgrading in order to blow up more things and giant bosses), the effects are absolutely stunning to look at. There are particle effects and explosions abound. The game itself is hard as nails, which is just how I like games of this type. I only beat about 2 or 3 stages in my playthrough, but I intend to go back and get even farther next time.


The next game I played was called Contrast, a 3D platformer/puzzle game. It’s hard to fully explain the plot of this game without spoiling a million plot details, but know that it is a 2D/3D platformer in the sense of exploration around Paris in the 1920’s. You play as (at least from what I can tell so far) an imaginary friend of a little girl named Didi, setting off to follow her mother and father, and trying to get them back together again after what appeared to be some hard times for them all. What makes the gameplay interesting more than anything, is your character’s ability to jump into walls with light pointing at them, making you control her shadow in 2D platforming sections. This adds a whole new dimension to the genre, having to make sure lights are pointed in the correct places in order to get through the many obstacles the game throws at you. It starts off with a child-like wonder, which appears to be getting darker as it goes along. I’ve only played the first of the game’s three acts, but I can’t wait to go back. While not graphically the best, the style is simply unforgettable, and it actually makes me jealous and wish I came up with something like it first myself!


Now let’s move on to some bigger stuff. I had some difficulty deciding which launch title to go with for PS4, but finally decided on Assassin’s Creed IV for now. I noticed that Battlefield 4 and others will be in random Black Friday sales (including online), so I will likely go for it then. While virtually the same game as the previous system versions, I did check multiple comparisons between platforms, and sure enough, the PS4 version is the best looking to come out so far (PC and Xbox One versions pending, since they’re not out just yet). The PS4 version also seems to have an extra hour or so of gameplay (according to the box at least!), so that’s another plus. I’ve played every Assassin’s Creed title up until this point, so continuing was no problem for me. Happy to say I’m actually enjoying it a lot more than III as well. I’ve loved the concept of pirates since I was about 3 years old, so this one kind of gobbled me up from the get go. Also interested in seeing where the story will go this time after the events of III kind of left you hanging.


Finally, I also played a demo for a game called Knack. I initially had high hopes for this one because it was from game director/developer/programmer/producer/etc. Mark Cerny. You may recall his name on titles ranging from Sonic the Hedgehog 2, all the way to Crash Bandicoot, Spyro the Dragon, Jak & Daxter, Ratchet & Clank, and so many more. Well, this is his latest project, and while it isn’t quite as great as the titles I listed above, I’d say it still has some of the charm we’ve come to love from his past games. The problem is the gameplay. You move very slow and sluggishly, and the game is also surprisingly hard for the family-friendly audience they’re presenting it to. This may have been intentional on Cerny’s part (especially if one remembers how hard the first Crash Bandicoot game was), but I’m not sure how fun people are going to really find this. While called a 3D platformer, it’s really more of a 3D brawler than anything else. Not that that’s a bad thing necessarily, but throw it up with gameplay that doesn’t really amount to much more than bashing your enemies in and getting taller (ala Katamari Damacy). If the rest of the game doesn’t really progress from this, I’d have a hard time shelling out $60 for it, however I’m sure I’ll play it once it’s come down to below the $30 range someday. With that said , I will give credit where credit is due. The graphics involved in both Knack and the characters he comes to interact/fight with are top notch. It’s hard not to be dazzled by the way everything looks in motion, and some of the other characters may even remind you of that Pixar-esque charm we’ve all come to love.


I really haven’t found myself taking in too many of the system’s new features yet, but I intend to check it all out soon enough. I also have to note that it was incredibly annoying to log in to my PSN account, due to how many times I was kicked out when everyone else was trying to sign on at the same time. Once I was in however, things were pretty smooth from that point on. It’s also nice to see Sony giving a little extra to all early adopters, by adding $10 of PSN shop credit, as well as 30 day trial for their unlimited music service and a free month of their PS+ service.

It’s hard to label this system as a must own at the moment simply because there have not been that many great or unique (first and third-party) titles at launch yet (I’m hearing mixed things about Killzone, and Knack really hasn’t won me over yet either). As of right now, I can only recommend it to the hardcore gamers that want to jump into the action early. For everyone else, it might be better to hold off and wait for some of the better lineup come February/March. That said; I do see great things ahead for this console, and I can't wait to see how things progress in the coming months.

Hope this has been at least somewhat informative for everyone and thanks for reading my rambles!

Deadpool's Spacey Movie Review Of Ender's Game (Spoiler Free, Yada Yada) (2013)

After months in isolation, one man triumphs in reclaiming his homeland…: ME bitches! Deadpool’s back in tha’ house! Here to entertain you, while still informing you at the same time; a line seemingly uncrossed by the likes of cable news channels (ZOMGDIDHEJUSTGOTHEREYESITHINKHEDID!). Today, I come bearing review of a movie that I’m having a hard time believing is finally out. This thing was halted in production multiple times because the book’s author wouldn’t rest until it was as great of an adaptation as possible. So what the heck did we actually get here? READ ON, BECAUSE I’M NOT JUST GOING TO TELL YOU UP HERE, YOU NINNY!

Ender’s Game is based on the classic sci-fi novel, but that infamous and oddly homophobic man, Orson Scott Card (of whom I’m happy to announce to fans, didn’t really make any money from the film itself, so it’s safe to go see it, guilt-free!). Ender Wiggin is a scrawny-looking (although genius!) boy, who is chosen to join Battle School, what is basically a space-age boot camp to become the best of the best and learn how to fight the buggers… Oh wait, they’re not called buggers in the movie? They’re just called Formics?... Damn it Orson Scott Card. Damn it. You start with the little things…

One thing I remember taking from the book (that’s right; I read it. I’m hip. I’m with it.), was the constant amount of bullying that Ender goes through in his quest to reach the top. That’s still all here in full force, and it’s no less painful to see as it was to read about back then. This is some harsh stuff for those who might not be prepared for it. If you didn’t read the book, then I question what kind of sci-fi fan you are in the first place, since it’s pretty much up there with Dune and friends for the highest-rated stories of its genre!

The effects are pretty top-notch all around the board here. The moments that shine the most for the film are definitely Ender’s trials in the anti-gravity chamber (where you’ll see the most futuristic games of Quidditch ever!), and the later scenes which I won’t spoil anything about for those who didn’t already read/watch it. HA, you thought I’d give away plot details, but you’re a fool! A foolishly foolish fool! Read it, you lazy buggers! There, found another use for the word! #giveusbackourbuggers

The actors and actresses pretty much play out their parts the way they were supposed to. Asa Butterfield did a great job as Ender. Some may say he plays kind of a lifeless character, but if you ask me, this is pretty much exactly the way he was portrayed, so I see no issues there. Harrison Ford was also notable as Colonel Graff, who came off more as an older Han Solo, teaching future Rebel Alliance soldiers how to learn the ropes… On another note, I am surprisingly okay with this! Who wouldn’t want to be led into space combat by the nerf herder himself, I ask you!?

Unfortunately for those who have read the book (again, like yours truly #ididntchoosethehipsterlife), you’re also going to notice that they left out quite a hefty bit of material. I wasn’t surprised that this happened, in fact, I was expecting it; but it was still disappointing all the same to see such an intricate book cut down for time. There was an entire subplot in the book, featuring Ender’s brother Peter and sister Valentine, in which the two begin writing faux internet entries as two figures, Lock and Demosthenes, in an attempt for Peter to gain political power, while Valentine can watch over him from a bit of a distance. What was one of the most interesting parts of the whole damn thing was taken out to make time for the more “important” scenes instead. They also kind of half-ass (or is it more like quarter-ass?) the scenes where Ender plays a game that is supposed to test his mind and psyche. Many details are left out and sped up just to get to the point of it all; once again, leaving out so much of what made it such an eye-opening sequence to begin with.

I guess having read the book, I kind of wished there was about a half-hour more. They would have been able to flesh out many more details if the film simply crossed that 2 and a half hour mark. In fact, I’ve got an idea. Release an extended edition of the film (like the people behind The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings movies make a killing off of!), or an “ultimate edition” like we saw with the Watchmen film, making it all come together for those who wanted more. I dunno you guys… Maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way. If I hadn’t read the book, would I have still wanted more out of this?... Actually, yeah, I probably would.

It’s not a bad film by any means, quite the opposite in fact. It’s just that it could have been so much more than what it was, and it’s going to leave many viewers going hungry, wondering if they just ate Chinese food and got that feeling where it wears off suddenly. It’s still worth seeing, but the impact of it all and the big climax scene near the end just won’t have the same effect that the beautiful papery book goodness provides. #whenbooklovebecomesunhealthy

7 Buggers Out Of 10

Now if we could just do something about the bullying on this planet… Oh well, I guess that’s nothing a new Hunger Games sequel won’t cure, right? See you next time, when the flurry of November blockbusters will continue! Seriously though, I don't have the money for all of these...

Deadpool's Unreasonably Belated Movie Review of The Wolverine (2013)

Good morning/afternoon/evening/whateverthehelltimeyourereadingthis! I greatly apologize for the agonizing delay in writing this review for “The Wolverine.” Jeez, just that title makes me think of when bands try to “re-invent” themselves and do it by making a new self-titled album. And I wouldn’t blame them in this case; X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a steaming pile, saved only by the awesome actor that is Hugh Jackman. The man has what is probably the most accurate last name of all time. I mean, look at this crazy dude! This picture is from a recent workout routine.


I mean DAYUM! The bar was bending! That means it’s heavy as all sin, people!!! JACKED-man jokes aside, we need to go into the actual movie here. Once again, it’s very loosely based on a comic (Wolverine by Chris Claremont and Frank Miller in 82) and involves Wolvie laying the smackdown on baddies and saving everybody he can in the process. What’s the general plot this time? Logan/Wolvie/My BFF saved a Japanese officer named Yashida during the atomic bombing of Nagasaki in 1945 and convinces him to keep on living. Years later, Logan is pursued by Yukio, a mutant who can see the future (sort of, but, not really, but sort of kind of at the same time), who asks him to come with her to see Yashida, who is now on his deathbed years after becoming the CEO of a large technology corporation. Yashida offers Logan the chance to take his healing ability away (which Logan sees as a curse for some silly reason… What? I literally live off that shiiat!), so that his suffering can finally end. Saying anything further about how Wolvie reacts to this would be a spoiler, so I’ll proceed to talking about other things now.

The action was GREAT! Usually you either get a film that has great action or a great plot, but never both. In this case you get great action with a decent plot. So while it’s not the best of both worlds, it’s still above average, which compared to the last Wolverine film is a godsend. It has the typical buildup that you would expect, with plot developments and fight scenes crazier than the last. Also, once again without spoiling anything (because I’m a generous mofo like that!), Wolvie starts having some problems with… something that usually makes him invincible, making him not so invincible, and making fight scenes even more awesome and interesting! You also get to see classic villains appear in not so classic ways, like Viper and the Silver Samurai, the latter of which you will likely be very confused by if you remember them from the days of comics past. Fox provided an interesting twist to this villain, but I know it’s going to piss people off anyway. Sometimes I wonder if the movie execs make decisions like these, just so that it’ll get comic fans to foam at the mouth and talk about it with other people, thus increasing discussion about it. Suddenly seems like a decent marketing strategy, no?

When it comes to the great things about the movie, I have to kind of stop there though. Sorry, but it’s still not… THAT great of a movie. It’s just okay… Again… Don’t get me wrong, it beats the pants (and shirt, and shoes…) off of Origins: Wolverine, but there’s not much more to it than that. There’s not as much butchering of classic mutants (like yours truly!!! That was my first movie review for those who have been following the Pool from the start!!! +50 cool points if you’ve been reading since then!), and it did more right than wrong, but… I don’t know. That’s still about it for me. It was competent.

The movie also happened to have an awesome mid-credits sequence that makes the whole film worth seeing even if you flat-out hate the rest of it and disagree with me (in which case, I grr in your general direction… grrrr…). Personally, I’d kind of like to see Fox and Sony give the movie rights of X-Men and Spider-Man back to Marvel directly. Who wouldn’t want to see big crossover events between all of those titans? I’d also like for ANYONE to make my movie already. What’s going on with that, guys? Ryan Renolds, give me something man! Anything!!! *sobs*

… Wait, who’s supposed to be putting out my movie again? It’s FOX!??? Umm… Did I mention how I’d love for Fox to get the movie rights to everything ever!??? (Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap >_>; )

7 Adamantium Claws Out Of 10

It’s cool, Fox. That screw up of my character in Origins: Wolverine? No big! We can totally put that past us! Did I also mention I love your news channel?... Okay, even I can’t pretend that one is true…

Deadpool's Gargantuan Movie Review of Pacific Rim (2013)

“YOU dig giant robots!
I dig giant robots!
WE dig giant robots!
CHICKS dig giant robots!

Nice!”
Oh yeah, Pacific Rim is here baby! While all of those other boring losers go and watch Grown Ups 2 (DON’T LIE! I saw that it beat this at the box office for some ungodly reason!), you people all know better. You know the true fun of summer movies is all in the action! You know that this is a film involving giant robots, fighting giant monsters, with a budget higher than any paycheck I will ever see in my lifetime. You also know it was directed by Guillermo del Toro, who gave us a billion other already awesome works! Honestly, it was a win before you even saw the damn thing, people!

Okay, so the movie isn’t perfect per se, but it’s still pretty freaking good, and a great step for films of this genre in the US. What is that genre you ask? It’s a mix of what’s known as kaiju (a Japanese word that translates to “strange creature,” though it’s used to classify giant monsters like Godzilla) and tokusatsu (Japanese word translating to “special effects,” mainly used to describe shows like Power Rangers/Super Sentai and Kamen Rider)… And to the people that haven’t left yet, congratulations! You either have no life, or are curious enough to delve into what the hell I’m talking about more! (Oh you swell little people, you!)

Del Toro more or less wrote this movie as a love letter to all of the confusing, but informative stuff I wrote about in that paragraph above (thanks Wikipedia! Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention that part… I mean, I knew this stuff on my own! I was just double checking!!! Japanese words are hard! >_> ). There are all kinds of references to other giant robot and monster films of the past, even with a hint of classic anime thrown in for good measure. I could write a book about all the little Easter Eggs they threw in there, but I have an audience to keep… Assuming I didn’t lose everyone with the kaiju paragraph. You still with me? WAKE UP YOU! *slap*

The plot is simple enough overall. In the future, the Earth is attacked by (what they actually CALL) kaijus, and humanity develops giant robots called Gundam-ah, I mean Jaegers! These bad boys are about equal in size, and designed to combat the kaiju. There’s a twist to piloting these babies, however. They have to have two pilots per Jaeger, and those pilots need to be linked… in the brains! If you have a bad link, you’ll get your ass kicked faster than you can say “It’s GODZILLAAAA!” This becomes especially interesting in terms of character development, as the pilots literally learn everything about each other upon linking. I’d say this makes flashback scenes go by faster, but… I’d be lying. Perhaps if we could somehow link with the actor’s minds… Oh yes, NOW we’re on to something! I could link with Ryan Reynolds and find out how many women he conned into bed with false promises. He’d be the right actor for my movie because then we’d truly become one mind!

Going any farther into it would give away too many plot points, but know that the movie becomes a fine mix between completely cheesy and completely serious, once again similar to many anime/toku shows of its type. And the whole thing leaves a lot of potential open. I have a lot of friends who were disappointed that there wasn’t more to the film, and weren’t expecting a sequel to come either… More on that later.

The music and scenery of the movie are perfectly fitting. Nothing too stand-out-ish, but definitely some well-made orchestral pieces to get the kaiju blood pumping. The effects are surprisingly great for a movie of this type. I think one of the reasons this movie is doing so well in Japan (besides the fact that this movie is once again a love letter to their concepts), is the amazing level of CGI effects that went into the film, and more importantly, that they didn’t detract from the decent story itself.

You’ve got all the necessary acting types in the film. The main protagonist who is generally silent, but obedient and knows how to crack a joke or two, the female partner, who is also silent, but mainly because of some traumatizing childhood experience who learns to grow with the protagonist, the “no BS” commander who gives all the orders and expects you to be as depressing as them for some reason, the rival character who acts like the main character is a wash-out, an over-the-top scientist and kaiju fanboy, and even your local parts dealer who looks so ridiculous, using words to describe his ridiculousness would not do the man justice. Basically, there are no duds in this group, and that’s a win!

Just about the only complaint I could really muster for this film is that there’s simply not enough of it! They were hinting at some interesting new developments in the second half, and it seemed like they just kind of dropped them because they were probably running out of time to get into it all. The good news is Del Toro already confirmed a sequel, and he’s already kind of pseudo–confirmed that some of those very developments hinted at will make their way into it! I won’t go into specifics, but let’s just say if the name Evangelion means anything to you, you have my permission to cream your pants… and then get new ones, because eww…

SOOOO, to sum it all up: We have amazing fight scenes, amazing effects, an excellent soundtrack, a story that’s surprisingly good for a movie of this type, and actors that got the job done; all with the flaw of there not being nearly enough of it! Oh, there’s also the possibility that some may not “get” this film, because the line between serious and silly gets crossed a lot, and if you’re not familiar with the way the Japanese do this kind of programming, it may throw you off a bit. To those people, I suggest every Godzilla movie ever, and a chill pill for good measure. What? No, I can’t actually give you a chill pill. Those little things are expensive these days, man!

As long as you’re not looking for something super deep (at least for now… Seeeeequellllll…), and want to watch a FUN movie with FUN fight scenes, then jump on the bandwagon and stop giving your ticket money to something less deserving!... Unless it’s Despicable Me 2; that actually looks hilarious…

8 Sliced-Up Kaijus Out of 10

See this and support more Kaiju/Tokusatsu films in the US of A! Also, by all means, stick this movie in the face of every Transformers fan you know. It’s a crap-ton better than all three of those movies put together. ACTUAL plot goes a long way bitches! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some action figures to go play with! *pew pew pew* *Reaaaaaaaagh!* *pew pew pew*

Deadpool PROUDLY Reviews The Deadpool Game!!! (PS3/360 Game Review)

You can all finally step off the hype-train and GET ON THE BUUUUS! It’s time for Deadpool’s superextraspecialextravaganza game review! Get ready to laugh, cry, and feel all of those other sexy emotions while we blow your freaking head off with top-notch gameplay and that “DAFUQ DID I JUST WATCH!?” mentality that makes me such a hit with the kiddies (hahaha, seriously never let your kid near me. I bite… Chomp chomp. ;) ). THE DEAPOOL GAME IS FREAKING HERE BITCHES!!! You can now commence to bowing down before yours truly as the game is and always has been all about ME! Are the confines of your own life bringing you down because you can never be quite as awesome as me? Then step into my shoes for a day and see what you’re REALLY missing out on! I do it all, baby! Guns? Check. Unnecessary, but hilarious bathroom humor? Double check. Lots of physics-breaking action? Oh ho ho yeah, we’ve got that. Hot women that I have no business being around?... Thankfully, YES, we do have that too! Awesome! And all of that fourth-wall breaking that you imaginative types crave? Yeah… I guess we have a ton of that!!!

The only thing that may be a bit off to a few people is the fact that they’re using the Deadpool from Daniel Way’s run on the comic (also known as WayPool on the internet, by no-life crotch pheasants who like to poke fun at the random comedy style), as opposed to the likes of classic writers such as Joe Kelly and Gail Simone. Honestly, I like different things about all of these writers (especially Mr. Kelly… Call me babe???). The latter two writers gave a bit of a method to my madness, and even tried to sympathize with me and my lifestyle, bless their little writer souls. Daniel Way made me a bit more psychotic and random, even putting multiple personalities in my head. Well, that’s the formula that carries over here, so DEAL WITH IT. Complaining? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Honestly, why are you even reading this!? What more do you need to know!? I kick ass in it, it’s funny as balls, and you’re going to leave it smiling like a doofus, because that’s just how I leave you people off. In fact, screw this! I’m going to get a beer. Hey, Justin! Slave boy! Read off the rest of this paper for me. It covers all the other main points you need to get through. I’ll be back with the booze, so that I can drink it in front of you and we can poke fun at the fact that you’re a diabetic. HAHA, he can’t drink regular soda!

… Ugh, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, let’s just get this over with… Okay, let’s see… Deadpool is so… hot? Every time I see him, I get really jealous and only wish that my package could be… even close to an iota of a fraction of the same size?... I once had a fantasy where me and Deadpool… GAH, forget this!!! Honestly, people, the game is admittedly funny, but it’s no game of the year. In fact, as a game it’s actually pretty… average? You get a combo system that improves as you upgrade with points you get for killing bad guys, which helps things a little, but the gameplay never reaches any heights that you’d see in games of a higher caliber. The story is completely incomprehensible, because even Deadpool admits it’s kind of being created as they go. He’s also kind of a sexist douche…

Hey! What are you doing in there Justin!? I thought I told you to read off that sheet of paper! Did you even get to the part where you had that fantasy about me…?

GAH, that didn’t happen, and for the record, that’s disgusting as hell! Jeez… I was just telling them the truth about your game…

The truth!? You people want the TRUTH!? You bitches can’t handle the truth about my game!!! It’s got everything to keep me and fans of my hotness satisfied! What more could you want!?

Some replayability would have been nice for starters. After you finish the campaign, that’s pretty much it. There’s not much in the way of extras and the fighting was just okay at best. The only parts that were fresh were the little inside jokes that would change up the gameplay for five seconds. Otherwise, it was just… the same. Meh. It’s just average hack and slash/shooter mechanics with average boss fights…

You traitor! I look awesome kicking ass with my swords and guns! All that dismemberment and funny story is good enough for these lowlifes! Exclamation mark secret jutsu attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!! … Ow! Knock it off with those! This isn’t going to cater to every gamer out there. They’re a demanding bunch. Yeah, it was great that you got Nolan North to be your voice actor since he seems to get all of the best characters, and you definitely hit the right notes on all of the humor (especially for the internet crowd of today). Some may even want to replay it again for all the great humor and Marvel cameos, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I don’t know if I could play this off as anything more than a renta…

DON’T SAY IT! Don’t you DARE f@#cking say it! Say it, and I’ll tell them about that time you laughed so hard, Yoo-Hoo came out of your nose when you were in 5th grade! Or when you used to listen to Simple Plan for that five minute period!

Whoa now, let’s not go that far… Wait, how do you even KNOW these things!?

Aha! Got you distracted! Close bracket attack!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>> … Ouch! Jeez, why do I even work with you!? Look, the game really deserves a 6…

It deserves a 10!! No, an 11!!!

I created you… I can take you away… I’ll counter your close bracket with my open bracket!!!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Oh HELL naw!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

*BANG* *POW* KRACKOOOM*

Stop shouting sound effects!

...

… So, what do you say we just agree on a 7?

… Okay, deal… But I still get the beer…

Fine, I don’t care!

7 Crafty Little Fourth Wall-Breaking Puns Out Of 10

So seriously, no hard feelings, right?

Uhh… I guess not?

Good! Because I’m not paying you to sit around and mope, bitch! Back to your station!!

*sigh* Can we finally review “The Last of Us” next? I’ve been dying to finish that already…

Not until you update that PS3!!! I already told you the new update doesn’t brick your console anymore! And change that background theme already! Uncharted 3 was SO 2011!!!

Deadpool's Beefy Review Of Man Of Steel (2013) (Mostly Spoiler-Free. Nothing Major Though! Promise!)

The summer blockbusters continue to roll out faster than Vin Diesel on nitrous oxide, and we’re caught right in the butt of things as June finishes up. Although it seemed like the wait lasted forever, Man of Steel is at last upon us, and we can stop speculating about how awesome it is and simply TALK about how awesome it is now! Or can we? Read on to find out if I really meant what I just said there. (See that? That’s how I grab you. That’s called “TAKING” the reader!)

In today’s day and age, nobody at DC wants their heroes bouncy and happy if the Dark Knight trilogy will tell you anything. No; people want their heroes’ dark and brooding, with their nails painted black, and My Chemical Romance posters on their walls (… Remind me of what it is I see in the human race again???). Well, this is finally it. That dark-toned Superman movie you’ve always wondered about is really here. That can come at a bit of a price though, and admittedly it does in some areas, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s examine it for what it simply is… another fracking reboot! Unlike Amazing Spider-Man however, I think a lot of people actually WANTED a reboot of Superman after that last dud. It had potential, but it did not prevent the dud that was. Dud-dee-dud-dud-dud.

The origin story of young Kal-El (Superman for you “I don’t give a crap about your comics, you nerd!” folk. I know you’re out there…) is for the most part on par with what you’ve seen and heard in the past, whether you’re a comic junkie, a casual fan who’s watched the cheeeeeeeeeeeeezy previous movies, or some weird unholy fusion of the two, which is probably also ugly. Russell Crowe plays Jor-El (father of Le Supes), acting in a surprisingly bad-ass manor while trying to protect Clark/Superman/Kal-El/Idontcarewhatyoupick/lol from the stereotypically evil General Zodd. As we all know (but I’ll state again for those “cool” kids who are too proud to admit they don’t), Clark gets sent away in an escape pod while their home planet of Krypton is eventually left in ruins. Clark makes his life on Earth with the parental guidance of Jonathan and Martha Kent, teaching him how not to destroy the planet like a good Saiyan…, ah, I mean Kryptonian… Dragon Ball has no similarities to this… Why ever did I do that…? >>

We see a younger side of Clark, who gets picked on and bullied quite a bit, even though he could rip all the kids’ arms off without batting an eye-lash. In another interesting scene, we see a completely ridiculous bus accident, where the bus falls into a large body of water, and Clark of course comes to everyone’s rescue. Jonathan Kent actually tries to act like this is a bad thing because Clark risked others figuring out that he had special powers… Let me repeat that. Jonathan Kent SCOULDED his adopted song for saving over a DOZEN lives from drowning while trapped inside of a bus because someone “might” have discovered him. I just… Yeah, I’ve got nothing on that one. You’re a SICK man Pa Kent. SICK!!! Remind me never to ask YOU for any favors!

I should probably touch on Henry Cavill now (the guy who actually PLAYS Superman, ajhfdjhkjasfnjkhdf!). The guy knows his way around this part, and happens to play it very well. He even bore some resemblance to Christopher Reeve himself, with that ridiculously chiseled jaw, and unnaturally fit shape that all the guys look at and wonder how the hell he did it. Disturbing tweets from the fangirls aside, he really does a great job with the part. Lois is played by Amy Adams. She does her part well overall too, but there were some moments of social awkwardness that made me think she was just taken right from the world of her movie, Enchanted, and was still learning how to be a normal person instead of a singing cartoon character. She could have broken out into song for no reason and I wouldn’t have even thought it to be out of character. Srsly.

There’s also a great bit of juicy controversy regarding one of the final scenes of the film. Before I get to all of that and its juicy juice-ness, I’d like to go into the action itself. There are explosions, lots of explosions. MANY, MANY explosions! It’s not something like in the case of Transformers, where you’ll wonder if there’s anything else to the movie at all, but it is to be noted that Michael Bay probably had a boner after watching this one. I heard some complaints from others that the film was all mindless action/had no real plot/thought “This is not my Superman”/wonder “why can’t I ever get a date”/etc. I actually completely disagree with all of that. I think the action didn’t really come into the film until after the third quarter or so, where it was definitely like watching two flying Hulks going at it. However, everything before this was pretty much all story, with a few small exceptions. I don’t know where people got the notion that the entire film is nothing but action. Quantum of Solace was nothing but action. This was relatively small compared to that chase-scene extravaganza.

Now to the controversial bits you people won’t shut up about. One is that this film has little to no humor in it whatsoever. That’s a scary thing when it comes to the Superman mythos, and I admit, it bothered me a bit. I don’t mind Supes making a wisecrack once in a while, and that kind of character really took a step to the side here. The other (and the one I know I’ll hear the most bitching), is a decision Clark makes right around the end during the final fight scene. I won’t say what he did, but… wow, I did NOT see that one coming. M. Night Shyamalan could learn from this kind of twist. Now again, since I refuse to spoil this bit for anyone, I really can’t say what Superman did here, but know that it was probably not something you saw coming. I certainly didn’t. Hell, everyone in the whole theater got silent, even that annoying-ass little kid that wouldn’t stop whining. On that note, why the hell was a little kid in there? If a movie has Christopher Nolan’s name across it, you should NOT bring a child near there, unless you want to create another me… And I’ll let that action speak for itself. Look how well I turned out kids!! The burns still haven’t gone away!!! *thumbs up*

All in all, when you put it together, this is actually a pretty good film for what it’s worth, and easily one of the best Superman films ever made by default. I feel like there are many Christopher Reeve fanboys/fangirls that will write off Henry Cavill and not give him the credit he deserves for pulling off this part. But I think he was a perfect choice for this new reboot and I’m actually excited to see where they’ll go with things next (Oh, did I mention a sequel is already confirmed? Well… It IS! YEAAAH!). The pacing of the film was a little jumbly (due to the shifting between flashbacks and current scenes), and the lack of any and almost all emotion was kind of a downer. I also found it quite odd/hilarious that Superman was causing just as much destruction as the villains by the later parts of the film. He apparently cares though… *shrug* Also, did anyone else think that Russell Crowe must have somehow paid the studio to keep him in the film longer? Every time it seemed like we were done with him, he found another way to reach out to us and "teach us" once again! I guess no one ever really stays dead in comic stories, hehehe. But I STILL think the film is more than worth seeing, even despite all of that! Go watch and form your own opinion. Go ahead. I'll still be here.

7 shards of kryptonite out of 10

If only I had those kinds of abilities. Flight, super strength, heat vision… Oh, the bitches I’d get with that. Bitches love the super strength.

- Credit for this awesome picture goes to Vulture34

Ask Deadpool: Vol.1 (Let's Make Some History, Shall We!?)

Welcome to the first edition of “Ask Deadpool,” which is sure to become a collector’s item in the future! Please hold all applause until after the presentation is complete. With that said, let's crack this baby open!

Q: How do you feel about your place within the future of the Kingdom Hearts universe? – Thomas A.

A: As if screaming like a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t enough after discovering that Kingdom Hearts III is in fact a real thing; but then remembering that I may even get be a part of it next time!? Oh Sora, when I’m done with your game, it will no longer have a ‘T’ rating. This is my guarantee!

Q: Dear Deadpool, why aren’t you in Super Smash Bros. yet? – Stefan S.

A: I can assure you the ONLY reason for this is because I have not yet taken control of Nintendo headquarters. I’ve been spending all my recent time trying to take over Capcom first instead. The way I see it, Mega Man Legends 3 takes priority, and at this point, I believe Capcom has demonstrated that the only way we’ll ever get this game is through brutal violence and dismemberment… Same result for a better Resident Evil, AMIRITEFLKS!!1? ^_^

Q: Dear Deadpool,
Why is a raven like a writing desk? – Nina C.

A:

Q: Dear Deadpool, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? – Lucas D.

A: No thanks to that damn owl (!!!), I was able to determine that the result is actually going to be different for pretty much every person you do it with. For example, if you are a small animal, it will probably take over 1000 licks. If you are Gene Simmons, it will probably take about 5. The more you know…

Q: Dear Deadpool, why don’t you have an arch enemy named Livesnooker? – Dan H.

A: I’m going to answer that question with another question. Why are you NOT a current writer for Marvel!? Not only would that be an awesome anti-me, but we could probably make all kinds of stupid sports puns that would fly over people’s heads! You are definitely on to something good sir.

Q: Would you make a contract with me and become a magical girl? ^_^ - Kyubey

A: Well, normally I’d say no…, but your face seems trusting enough, so…




Q: To whom it may concern: If Timmy has 2 apples and Suzy has 3 apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? – Chad M.

A: The truth is, Timmy is actually fat as hell, and won’t rest until he has consumed all of his and Suzy’s apples, as well as everything in sight. Suzy sees Timmy in the distance and remembers “the incident.” One night, her parents mysteriously went missing, and the only thing the police found were some human bones that were confirmed to have been gnawed on. She knows that the end is nigh… The apples were merely a stepping stone for the main course… planet Earth!

And I thought I'd leave you all off with this little number...

Q: So Deadpool, what or who would you compare Microsoft’s Xbox One to? – Sam S.

A: Have you ever had an ex who was so creepy, that they still follow you around all the time? They act like they have no idea why you broke up with them in the first place (spying on you all the time, cleaning out your wallet just so you can do anything with them), insist on getting back together despite refusing to change their ways, and treat you like a jerk for even considering moving on to someone else that will actually treat you much better. They say “What’s so great about them, when I’m right around the corner?” And then when you once again remind them of the reasons why you’re never getting back with their stalker-ass, they start getting more spiteful and even try to make you pay them for the most mundane of things, like the resources they used to stalk you with in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is...




And there you have it folks! The first volume is under our belts and we can happily look forward to more as long as you keep supplying the awesome questions! Let's continue to rock this casbah!