OKAY PEOPLES!!! I have given you all MORE than enough time to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It's been out for over a week, and you don't have to get into online fisticuff battles for tickets anymore. If you didn't see it by now, you probably didn't care about it that deeply to begin with, so I have no hesitation going into SPOILER TERRITORY!!
Yes, that's right. If you go past this point, you are agreeing to reading about all of the spoilery spoils in the history of the world with this movie!! Last chance. No turning back...
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Are you ready?
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Here it is..
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Poop.
There. I said it.
Seriously though!!! Let me begin by saying that I was one of the unlucky thousands (possibly higher by this point) to have had the f@#king movie spoiled for me a night before the f@#king Thursday premiere, because some f@#king losers thought it would be a brilliant idea to ruin everyone else's fun. Well, it worked you f@#$%^%#^^%#%^#%!!!!!! (Trust me, you don't even want to know what I just wrote there...)
The infamous image that ruined my weekend? THIS little number!!!:
Yes, even if you had that clever Google Chrome extension to block all spoilers, these dickwads were way ahead of you. I wanted to believe it wasn't real, because I didn't want to think I could have possibly had the movie I was waiting 20+ years for spoiled just like that. But it happened, and I moved on... after that guy was dead though, but HEY! Baby steps, right? >_>
It was a painful moment. An uncomfortably painful moment that really freaking hurt. You know what made it worse? Knowing EXACTLY what was going to happen. Seriously, it makes the scene like 20 times more intense. That damn red glow... ladkjsdhjasfkhakjfhadkjd.
But I digress (Does anyone still use that phrase anymore?), the new film was still pretty damn awesome. You can read a million articles about how much the plot parallels the original film (heroes picked up from desert planet, main characters go with Han to a cantina-style place, new giant spherical floating base, veteran character from the previous trilogy dies, new generation picks up the mantle, etc.), but it's what ISN'T the same that causes the movie to shine like Rudolph's hideously deformed nose. Finn was a great change of pace, giving us some perspective from the stormtrooper side of things. He gave us some insight into how they are brought up, and how they became the lovable cannon fodder that can't aim a blaster properly to save their life. In fact, it's no wonder Finn didn't fit in with them! He could actually shoot!!! MIND!!! BLOWN!!!
Now let's talk about Rey for a bit... because she was the best damn thing about this movie besides Han!!! Holy crap!! Between her insanely strong connection with the force (dat Jedi mind trick tho), all the way to her force-grabbing Luke's lighstaber and kicking Kylo Ren's pasty white butt with it, there is a lot to look up to this time around!!! You could say she's a great female role model, but I say she's a damn good role model in general!!! This also completely obliterated the trope of "women builds up strength until man saves her at the last second." A lot of people may not realize it, but this may have been one of the most necessary moments in cinema history this year. SCREW your archaic shizzle; this is 2015 baby!!! Women kick OUR asses now!!! (... Why does that turn me on?)
As awesome as everything I listed above is (and I should know it's awesome, because I listed it), there was one teensy little thing that bothered me about all of this... So Rey was triumphant where Finn sort of failed at the last second (despite holding his own for a quite a long time against that poser... Ah, I mean Sith Warrior wannabe.. Hehe, I still insulted him. I'm going to keep doing that. ;-) ). The one thing that made this scene a bit unfortunate for me as well, is that it took away what could have been a really big heroic moment for him. Don't get me wrong, this guy did some HUGE stuff (particularly when he decided to go full rebel on those stormtroopers, and fight against them!), but it was a bit of a slap in the face for him too. If I were given the opportunity for either outcome, I'd have still picked the one they went with, but I DO sincerely hope he gets treated better as this trilogy continues. I don't think they'd have put a lightsaber in his hands, only to be like "PSYCHE! Now you're a secondary character. Muahahaha!!" Only I would be that evil. Not JJ Abrams. On that note, congratulations JJ!!! We no longer have to consider referring to you as "Jar Jar Abrams" going forward. Seriously, bravo for avoiding this major pitfall.
Alright, I'm going to talk about him now. Yes, that guy. You know the one. Threw a bunch of temper tantrums, couldn't really handle a lightsaber that well, applied a lot of black eyeliner, etc. Yeah, THAT guy. Kylo Ren, the son of Han and Leia. As far as we know, Luke tried training "Ben" to become a jedi knight, but it went completely awry and "Ben" turned to the dark side instead. Luke was apparently so petrified by the entire thing that he just outright fled in disappointment... (Or did he? More on that later.) So now we've got this hipster on the scene, trying to carry on Vader's work, and apparently paying no attention to the fact that Anakin/Vader turned back to the light side of the force in the end. I guess what I'm saying is he'd make a great politician. Okay, yes, I knock on this guy a lot (and I'm going to keep doing so as I please!), but the fact is he was designed as a flawed character. It's the entire point! He's still in need of more training to become a full-fledged villain of this universe. This is why he felt the need to sacrifice our beloved veteran character. I was going to express more anger toward him and give in to my inner dark-side, but the rest of the cast kind of took care of that for me when they busted him up samurai-style!
So Snoke... Who the f@#k is Snoke??? Some theories point to Darth Plageuis, the guy that Palpatine briefly mentioned in Episode III (I know, I know, prequel alert. Ughuhuuuuu.). This theory was brought about when almost the EXACT SAME FREAKING THEME SONG played during his scenes, with some small differences here and there. And honestly, it would make sense. If this guy inspired Emperor Mother-f@#king Palpatine, then that would make him to be some serious business up in here! Now Palpatine thought this guy to be dead (as he sort of hinted that he was the one who killed Plageuis himself), so we should only take this with a grain of salt, though I have never been one to skimp on the salt myself. What do you think goes into those chimichangas, sugar!?... Umm, actually let me try that later and get back to you before I knock it... (Spoiler Alert: This was a mistake.)
There's not much I can really mention about Leia at this point in time, as her appearance in the movie was still pretty brief compared to the rest of the cast, but it was clear she could actually FEEL Han die, which made everything about 50,000,000 times more painful to watch. I feel for her in all the feels that a feely one can feel. Honestly, I don't even know how I'm going to hold all these feels, the more you continue to toss them on top of me, Star Wars. I'm just one little deformed crazy man, you know!
And then there's Luke... Yes, within the last few minutes of the movie, we finally get to see Mark Hamill reprise his role... only for him to not actually say anything, and for the credits to roll. UGH, they punched me right in the dick with that one! Honestly, you couldn't even get him to say something cheesy, like "I sensed you would come," "Who are you?," or even so much as a "Hello..." in Adele style? RRRR, him and his beard will have to wait. But at least everyone can now finally shut up about the "Luke is Kylo Ren" theories. Or even worse, the "Jar Jar is Kylo Ren" theories. It was funny for like two minutes, guys...
Spotlight characters that did NOT get enough screentime, were of course Captain Phasma and Poe. Yes, Phasma seems to have carried on the legacy of Boba Fett well, and by legacy I mean she too did almost nothing, but is portrayed as the ultimate badass. I hope they're not seriously dumb enough to let that be her only time in this series. Even Boba went out fighting (even if his alleged death was pathetic. Here's hoping that claim that he isn't dead is still true! Until then? Show the body! Yeah, that's what I thought.). There is a good reason Poe's time on the big screen was limited, however... He was originally supposed to die after he and Finn's tie fighter crashed. Bringing him back in was actually a last minute decision; a decision I think will pay off in the end, as he's actually very likeable character. Good move, Disney. You've been learning how to not lose money quite well over the years!
So the only thing left to talk about at this point would be MOAR THEORIES!!! Who else thinks Rey is Luke's daughter, or at least the daughter of someone close to them all? Honestly, I'm not even sure who else she COULD be the daughter of, as there's not exactly a lot of jedi left in the galaxy to pick and choose the dominant and recessive genes from anymore. It would also explain all of those crazy visions she was getting right before picking up Luke's baby blue saber. Also, can we just talk about this guy for a minute?:
THIS. GUY.
Just awesome stuff all around.
So I guess that sums up all of my initial thoughts coming out of this monumental achievement. Whether or not the next set of movies will mirror the originals is yet to be seen, but I have searched my feelings and just know this to not be true (at least I'm pretty sure... kinda?). I only hope Rey doesn't go getting her hand cut off like Luke and Anakin. There's been an annoying tradition of that happening and it's starting to piss me off! Also, has anyone noticed that even though they made all of the Expanded Universe Star Wars books non-canon, yet used a BUTT-TON of material from them? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it, but... whaaaat? Lolz.
But yes, to mirror my previous review, I do feel the franchise is finally in good hands again, as long as JJ can continue to pull out more of the unique stuff like Rey's shining moment. Here's hoping! In the meantime, the next movie of any decency coming out will be mine in February!!! Okay, I was lying about the decency part, but you knew what this was!!! Catch you on the flipside, you crazy gungans, you. (I'll miss you Han, you lovable nerf herder you! *sniff*)
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