Sunday, May 19, 2013

Deadpool's Lens Flare-Free Review of Star Trek: Into Darkness (Spoiler Free Too! Yay!!!)

Welcome back folks! The summer “blockbuster” season is just starting to really get on its hind legs, and I’m just happy I don’t have to keep wearing ugly coats outside anymore! Seriously guys… They were so ugly… *sob*

But alas, I return to you all with great joy! The Star Trek reboot that J.J. Abrams cast upon us has finally returned to mark its territory. One of the things that made the first film so great was that it catered to both original fans AND people who didn’t know a damn thing about Star Trek from the beginning. It wasn’t perfect (as any long internet nerd-rant can already tell you… OMGZ!!! LENS FLARE!!!1!1!), and there were some plot holes and inconsistencies with the classic story that have other people up in arms. Personally? I just look at the film as its own separate thing and not as something really meant to be put next to the shows and films of the past. You hear that whiners? It doesn’t matter! There now, say it with me. Doesn’t that feel better? Maybe someday, I can teach you to talk to women too. No, not just the green women, gah! Without further delay (and fear of that escalating into far more disturbing conversations!!!), here’s my review of Star Trek: Into Lens Flare.

All of the major actors you loved/cursed at are back to make you love/curse at them all over again. Like the first film, this one takes a couple of loose threads from the old Star Trek stories and manages to turn the plot upside on its head. Saying it’s better or worse than the first film is actually difficult to do. They both go very well together and are both great films for all kinds of different reasons. It’s also a little strange. Even though this movie is much more dramatic than the first, it’s also got more “funny” moments than probably any in the entire line of Star Trek films to (star)date! A lot of them usually involved Spock’s social awkwardness, Kirk’s “lolimsogreat” lines, and of course Scotty, who needs no description; just applause. Long. Hard. Applause. We also got some awesome new performances from Alice Eve as Carol (who will likely be remembered for one scene in her underwear and NOTHING ELSE), and Benedict Cumberbatch as… John Harrison. I won’t give away his real role in the movie, but I will say this: Seeing Sherlock beat the living shit out of everyone and everything in his path was awesome, and he really played one scary mo-fo to boot! Once his true name and intentions become clear, you will be glued to the screen, and no amount of Goo Gone is going to be able to fix that.

The action is almost non-stop this time around, which some are either going to love or hate. This is not your father’s Star Trek; that much is certain. This is the newer, sleeker, Hollywood-y (haha… penis…) version, and that can come at a price sometimes. The film did try to take some obvious cues from another classic Star Trek film, but most of its overall uses felt pointless, outside of one scene involving Spock and the mysterious Mr. Harrison which was so cool, I almost didn’t even write this sentence until I remembered the rest of the movie wasn’t quite as cool. Seriously, dat climax scene. AWW! YEAH!

One more issue to address (since I made a cheap joke about it before) is the lens flare. Obviously, it was pretty ridiculous in the first film, to the point where everyone makes jokes about it now (and believe me, I will probably never stop, myself). This time? It’s still there, but it’s not nearly as obnoxious as it once was. No worries though. Anyone who wants to keep making jokes is free to do so, as you do still have plenty of material to work with. I’m not sure if anyone making the films actually thought this would be cool, but… Dammit J.J. Abrams, I’m a Deadpool, not a dentist patient! Get that light out of my face!

Whether you like this film or not will probably be determined by a few basic things. If you liked the first film, wanted to see more acting and stories in that style, are okay with the jokes being a little more over-abundant this time around, despite the film itself being darker, AND are overall forgiving of the things they continue to change about original Star Trek lore, then you’ll probably fall in love with this. Hollywood-y or not (… penis), this is still an excellent film and a great reminder of what made the “summer blockbusters” such a big deal in the first place. Oh, and happy to say it won’t try to insult your intelligence or anything either. No talking down to from the cast (except for Harrison, who will make you cry like a little girl and beg for mercy, which he will provide…, until you realize it was a trick and he kills you!).

This movie is just as good as the first, maybe a little better, maybe a little worse; but it’s still all kinds of awesome! Happy to say that not everything that Hollywood (………… ………………… ………………………… …… ………… ………… penis) touches turns to crap, and that this is a shining example of how it can still be done right for the most part.

9 Captain’s Logs Out Of 10

I’m going to go ahead and say it… I’m OKAY with him directing the next three Star Wars movies! Not EXCITED about it, but OKAY with it. There, I said it. I need to go lie down now… LENS FLARE!!!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Deadpool's Super-Charged Review Of Iron Man 3 (Yes, it's spoiler-free... STOP ASKING!)

I never thought we’d get to this point, but the warm(er) weather is finally upon us! And with that warmer weather comes movies; action movies. Action movies with explosions! Cue Iron Man 3, the long-awaited sequel to the kind-of-disappointing previous entry in the series.

The movie takes place after the Avengers film, which would usually set us up for disappointment after the awesomeness that was the freaking Avengers film, BUT lo and behold; this was actually pretty kick-ass too! You just have to read this to understand why (HA, I’ve locked you in now! You can’t escape bitches! ... Hey, hey, don’t run away! I was kidding!!! Damn American kids and your sensitivity. In my day, we had those parts cybernetically removed! Grow an artificial pair why don’tcha!?).

So by this point in the story, Tony Stark (played by the “sexy in a totally plutonic way” Robert Downey Jr.) is pretty shook up from the last movie; so much so, that he begins having panic attacks. As a result of this, he builds more and more Iron Man suits, because hard labor makes perfect sense when you’re having panic attacks (and again, I feel this is a good time to discuss those cybernetic enhancements I was raving about in the last paragraph. Takes the pain away, kids! *thumbs up*). Pepper Potts is however gettin’ real tired of Tony’s s@#t, and starts to grow more and more distant from him, which is funny because it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s like twice his height. (Seriously, look at how she’s barefoot in every scene with him while he’s wearing high-heeled shoes and STILL looks shorter! Go ahead and look; I’ll wait… You see it now? Wasn’t that freaking hilarious!? Haha, he can’t reach her at eye-level!)

Amongst all of this estrogen-fueled chaos, a new terrorist villain emerges called The Mandarin, who starts attacking different parts of the US and making videos about how he’s going to keep doing more of it. This doesn’t sound familiar to any attacks on the US in any way shape or form either… None… Also, I am a flying pig who farts out rainbows. True story. Anyhow, this doesn’t actually matter to Tony at all, until a security guard named Happy Hogan becomes a victim of one of the attacks. This character was never really a big deal in the movies, but for some reason, this sparked Tony to go bats@#t insane and threaten The Mandarin, giving him his personal house address. Mandarin takes that challenge, and all hell breaks loose.

This film is quite different from the previous Iron Man movies. I assume that new director Shane Black is the biggest reason for this. Instead of having a boatload of crazy action like the other movies, this one focuses more on story, development, and feels that will probably make you uncomfortable (Seriously though? Those cybernetic enhancements?). And you know what? I think that’s a great thing. Sure, call me crazy (and you should; I’m f@#king nuts), but this movie actually did well by focusing on its plot more. We finally got to start taking Tony and Pepper’s character more seriously, as well as many other characters in this film. James Rhodes and the Iron Patriot armor are excellent, but anyone who’s actually a fan of the Iron Patriot armor knows that’s not how it came to be, and it’s not nearly as epic as when Norman Osborne donned it with the Dark Avengers. But what do you care? You’ve never read that and probably just rolled your eyes at me. You think I didn’t see it? I’ve seen things you could probably arrest me for if you knew about it. Haha, yeah. Think about that before you go to sleep... ;)

Unfortunately, there’s not much more I can say about the movie without giving away srsly srs spoilers. Just know that it’s good; really really good. As long as you actually appreciate a good story, and are willing to deal with a little less action this time around, I think you’ll be really happy. Some of the pacing was a little slow, but I rarely got bored. It takes the plot of “Middle-Eastern terrorist attacks the US” and turns it so hard on its ass; you’ll start to wonder if there are some things your country’s media isn’t telling you about the world… lolz, couldn’t say all of that with a straight face. ^_^

9 sets of Iron Man armor out of 10

Joss Whedon (director of the Avengers film, along with the criminally under-appreciated series, Firefly) actually said he doesn’t know how he’s going to make a sequel after watching this film. Without giving anything away, I can understand where the poor guy is coming from. With that said, I openly invite Mr. Whedon to direct my movie instead. I can’t provide you all of the millions that Avengers banked you, but I CAN provide plenty of chimichangas, as well as my skills after the zombie apocalypse takes place. You may laugh at this request now, but this is no laughing matter. Besides, I’ve already stolen the blueprints of Tony’s old armor sets and tweaked it to my OWN specifications… Oh yes, that’ll do nicely…