Monday, June 19, 2017

Deadpool's Hera-Approved Review Of Wonder Woman (2017) (Spoiler-Free-Ish)

Wonder Woman, yeah!!! Howdy everyone. It's taken over 75 years, but Warner Bros. finally got their heads out of their nether regions long enough, to realize that people actually WANTED a Wonder Woman movie done proper. Who'd have thought that if you actually listen to your fans, good things could happen, eh Warner??? You want to know what the real wonder is, folks? How it took us so bloody long to get here!!! But it's all water under the bridge now, I suppose. At least assuming we can keep more stuff like this coming in the future. So HOW'D IT ACTUALLY DO!? Read below for my overlong and unnecessarily detailed analysis.

Does Gal Gadot fit the role of Diana? Of COURSE she does; why did you even ask that!? You already saw how she was the best part of Batman Vs. Superman, so of COURSE that was going to carry over again. Chris Pine also does a great job as the role of Captain Steve Trevor. Before I even go into the rest of this, I just want to say how AWESOME all the Amazonian women were. I mean, they were more than just realistic. They were the real freaking thing! Every single one of them could have kicked my ass from here to Sunday, no question. Kudos to the studio for making things so real and body positive in the process. I wish my body were more positive about me. Yes, I CAN hear you, body. No, I don't think it was a big deal that I ate that. Get out of my head!... Yes, yes, we'll get tacos later. Now shh.

The story is actually very reminiscent of George PĂ©rez's famous run on the book, which is awesome, because that was easily one of the best runs in the comic's entire history! We get to brush up on the history of the Amazonians on their island of Themyscira, and learn about Diana and all of her motivations, before MAN comes along and ruins everything (as usual, am I right ladies?). Steve Trevor lands on the Themyscira while trying to escape the Germans. Yes, we're talking about WWI here, folks, try and keep up! Trevor's got information that could potentially save millions of lives and put an end to the war. Diana, unable to resist being a bad-ass, decides she has to go out and help him reach his destination so they can save the world! Diana believes that the war is all the doing of Ares, the god of war, and is determined to defeat him in order to end it.

So the straight men might have noticed something... different about this movie, but they can't quite put their finger on it. Well, put that finger back where it came from, and I'll let you in on a little secret. For the first time (in like, ever), this superhero movie wasn't made specifically for you! I know, shocking that it's about someone else besides you for once, right!? While Gal Gadot is beautiful and fierce, the movie doesn't focus on sexualizing her, the way we've seen from so many other movies of this type. It doesn't try to hide imperfections or focus on how they can make everything look pleasing to the dudebros. Hell, I think I even saw a thigh jiggle during one of the fight scenes. THAT was an oddly revolutionary moment. #ReleaseTheThigh

While the movie does suffer from a few of the typical Hollywood tropes that we've seen in a million other superhero films, it still gets points for doing a lot of things in the reverse. Instead of the typical "male character develops after loved female is killed" trope, we get almost the exact opposite scenario, without going into too many spoilers. It may not seem like much to the untrained eye, but that's actually a BIG. EFFING. DEAL.

There is a particular scene that I feel the need to mention, because it's indisputably the best part of the entire movie. When reaching No Man's Land, Diana bears witness to a barricade with two sides who have been at war for years. Trevor tries to convince Diana that it's pointless to interfere. And do you know what she did as a result of that? She climbed up that f@#king ladder and kicked all kinds of f@#king ass! She even knocked a soldier out of a tower, by ramming him THROUGH the tower!!! This was such a hero-defining moment, I actually started to tear up a little. (Yes, men can do that too, jeez!) You might be alarmed to know that brilliant scene almost wasn't in the movie at all. No, seriously, look it up right now. I'll wait...

... I know, right!!!? Warner Bros. are their own supervillains, I swear. Thank GOD for director Patty Jenkins, fighting to keep that epic scene in there. Fight on, Patty! You the real MVP!

Now, of course the movie isn't perfect. The villains are pretty forgettable for the most part (with the sole exception of Doctor Poison, who I was much more interested in learning about than anyone else, including Ares himself!). The other men who joined up to fight alongside Diana and Steve were also pretty forgettable, and once again fell victim to a lot of your typical support character tropes. Nothing deal-breaking of course. The only other complaint I can really think of is that the slow motion went a bit too far this time. I want to make it clear that the fight scenes in this movie were wonderful (no pun intended sort of kind of okay actually maybe a little, tee hee), but they didn't need to slow down every single moment, like they did.

I can already hear a bunch of guys around me going "Eh, it was okay. I don't see what the big deal is other than the fact that it's a woman this time." Well guess what, sparky? That alone IS a big deal. You may have noticed that it's LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENED before in superhero movies. In fact, come closer. No, just come here. I promise I won't mug you... this time. Here, look at this picture:

That, right there? That is EVERYTHING. THAT is what this is all about! You know how you were running around in your Batman underoos, feeling inspired to save the world from The Joker yourself one day? Well now every young girl is getting one of those role models to look up to as well, and it's pretty damn glorious. Say what you will about the little shortcomings, but this is a triumph and should be treated as such. This is also easily the best film of the DC Universe of movies by far. I only hope we can look forward to more of that with this new Justice League movie coming along.

9 Swings Of The Lasso Of Truth Out Of 10

Extra bit of kudos goes out to Lucy Davis as Etta Candy, who did an excellent job portraying a more typical woman from WWI-era, helping show off the even bigger divide between Diana's life and the lives of all those around her. Did I mention Wonder Woman still has one of the catchiest theme songs in this entire movie universe? (Hans Zimmer is simply way more metal than the rest of us. There, I said it.) Are you seeing this, Marvel? DC has (finally) thrown the gauntlet, and it's your turn to woo us now. No excuses!!! Meantime, I've already got a great new cosplay idea... Toodles!!!