Sunday, August 18, 2013

Deadpool's Unreasonably Belated Movie Review of The Wolverine (2013)

Good morning/afternoon/evening/whateverthehelltimeyourereadingthis! I greatly apologize for the agonizing delay in writing this review for “The Wolverine.” Jeez, just that title makes me think of when bands try to “re-invent” themselves and do it by making a new self-titled album. And I wouldn’t blame them in this case; X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a steaming pile, saved only by the awesome actor that is Hugh Jackman. The man has what is probably the most accurate last name of all time. I mean, look at this crazy dude! This picture is from a recent workout routine.

I mean DAYUM! The bar was bending! That means it’s heavy as all sin, people!!! JACKED-man jokes aside, we need to go into the actual movie here. Once again, it’s very loosely based on a comic (Wolverine by Chris Claremont and Frank Miller in 82) and involves Wolvie laying the smackdown on baddies and saving everybody he can in the process. What’s the general plot this time? Logan/Wolvie/My BFF saved a Japanese officer named Yashida during the atomic bombing of Nagasaki in 1945 and convinces him to keep on living. Years later, Logan is pursued by Yukio, a mutant who can see the future (sort of, but, not really, but sort of kind of at the same time), who asks him to come with her to see Yashida, who is now on his deathbed years after becoming the CEO of a large technology corporation. Yashida offers Logan the chance to take his healing ability away (which Logan sees as a curse for some silly reason… What? I literally live off that shiiat!), so that his suffering can finally end. Saying anything further about how Wolvie reacts to this would be a spoiler, so I’ll proceed to talking about other things now.

The action was GREAT! Usually you either get a film that has great action or a great plot, but never both. In this case you get great action with a decent plot. So while it’s not the best of both worlds, it’s still above average, which compared to the last Wolverine film is a godsend. It has the typical buildup that you would expect, with plot developments and fight scenes crazier than the last. Also, once again without spoiling anything (because I’m a generous mofo like that!), Wolvie starts having some problems with… something that usually makes him invincible, making him not so invincible, and making fight scenes even more awesome and interesting! You also get to see classic villains appear in not so classic ways, like Viper and the Silver Samurai, the latter of which you will likely be very confused by if you remember them from the days of comics past. Fox provided an interesting twist to this villain, but I know it’s going to piss people off anyway. Sometimes I wonder if the movie execs make decisions like these, just so that it’ll get comic fans to foam at the mouth and talk about it with other people, thus increasing discussion about it. Suddenly seems like a decent marketing strategy, no?

When it comes to the great things about the movie, I have to kind of stop there though. Sorry, but it’s still not… THAT great of a movie. It’s just okay… Again… Don’t get me wrong, it beats the pants (and shirt, and shoes…) off of Origins: Wolverine, but there’s not much more to it than that. There’s not as much butchering of classic mutants (like yours truly!!! That was my first movie review for those who have been following the Pool from the start!!! +50 cool points if you’ve been reading since then!), and it did more right than wrong, but… I don’t know. That’s still about it for me. It was competent.

The movie also happened to have an awesome mid-credits sequence that makes the whole film worth seeing even if you flat-out hate the rest of it and disagree with me (in which case, I grr in your general direction… grrrr…). Personally, I’d kind of like to see Fox and Sony give the movie rights of X-Men and Spider-Man back to Marvel directly. Who wouldn’t want to see big crossover events between all of those titans? I’d also like for ANYONE to make my movie already. What’s going on with that, guys? Ryan Renolds, give me something man! Anything!!! *sobs*

… Wait, who’s supposed to be putting out my movie again? It’s FOX!??? Umm… Did I mention how I’d love for Fox to get the movie rights to everything ever!??? (Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap >_>; )

7 Adamantium Claws Out Of 10

It’s cool, Fox. That screw up of my character in Origins: Wolverine? No big! We can totally put that past us! Did I also mention I love your news channel?... Okay, even I can’t pretend that one is true…