Saturday, June 29, 2013

Deadpool PROUDLY Reviews The Deadpool Game!!! (PS3/360 Game Review)

You can all finally step off the hype-train and GET ON THE BUUUUS! It’s time for Deadpool’s superextraspecialextravaganza game review! Get ready to laugh, cry, and feel all of those other sexy emotions while we blow your freaking head off with top-notch gameplay and that “DAFUQ DID I JUST WATCH!?” mentality that makes me such a hit with the kiddies (hahaha, seriously never let your kid near me. I bite… Chomp chomp. ;) ). THE DEAPOOL GAME IS FREAKING HERE BITCHES!!! You can now commence to bowing down before yours truly as the game is and always has been all about ME! Are the confines of your own life bringing you down because you can never be quite as awesome as me? Then step into my shoes for a day and see what you’re REALLY missing out on! I do it all, baby! Guns? Check. Unnecessary, but hilarious bathroom humor? Double check. Lots of physics-breaking action? Oh ho ho yeah, we’ve got that. Hot women that I have no business being around?... Thankfully, YES, we do have that too! Awesome! And all of that fourth-wall breaking that you imaginative types crave? Yeah… I guess we have a ton of that!!!

The only thing that may be a bit off to a few people is the fact that they’re using the Deadpool from Daniel Way’s run on the comic (also known as WayPool on the internet, by no-life crotch pheasants who like to poke fun at the random comedy style), as opposed to the likes of classic writers such as Joe Kelly and Gail Simone. Honestly, I like different things about all of these writers (especially Mr. Kelly… Call me babe???). The latter two writers gave a bit of a method to my madness, and even tried to sympathize with me and my lifestyle, bless their little writer souls. Daniel Way made me a bit more psychotic and random, even putting multiple personalities in my head. Well, that’s the formula that carries over here, so DEAL WITH IT. Complaining? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Honestly, why are you even reading this!? What more do you need to know!? I kick ass in it, it’s funny as balls, and you’re going to leave it smiling like a doofus, because that’s just how I leave you people off. In fact, screw this! I’m going to get a beer. Hey, Justin! Slave boy! Read off the rest of this paper for me. It covers all the other main points you need to get through. I’ll be back with the booze, so that I can drink it in front of you and we can poke fun at the fact that you’re a diabetic. HAHA, he can’t drink regular soda!

… Ugh, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, let’s just get this over with… Okay, let’s see… Deadpool is so… hot? Every time I see him, I get really jealous and only wish that my package could be… even close to an iota of a fraction of the same size?... I once had a fantasy where me and Deadpool… GAH, forget this!!! Honestly, people, the game is admittedly funny, but it’s no game of the year. In fact, as a game it’s actually pretty… average? You get a combo system that improves as you upgrade with points you get for killing bad guys, which helps things a little, but the gameplay never reaches any heights that you’d see in games of a higher caliber. The story is completely incomprehensible, because even Deadpool admits it’s kind of being created as they go. He’s also kind of a sexist douche…

Hey! What are you doing in there Justin!? I thought I told you to read off that sheet of paper! Did you even get to the part where you had that fantasy about me…?

GAH, that didn’t happen, and for the record, that’s disgusting as hell! Jeez… I was just telling them the truth about your game…

The truth!? You people want the TRUTH!? You bitches can’t handle the truth about my game!!! It’s got everything to keep me and fans of my hotness satisfied! What more could you want!?

Some replayability would have been nice for starters. After you finish the campaign, that’s pretty much it. There’s not much in the way of extras and the fighting was just okay at best. The only parts that were fresh were the little inside jokes that would change up the gameplay for five seconds. Otherwise, it was just… the same. Meh. It’s just average hack and slash/shooter mechanics with average boss fights…

You traitor! I look awesome kicking ass with my swords and guns! All that dismemberment and funny story is good enough for these lowlifes! Exclamation mark secret jutsu attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!! … Ow! Knock it off with those! This isn’t going to cater to every gamer out there. They’re a demanding bunch. Yeah, it was great that you got Nolan North to be your voice actor since he seems to get all of the best characters, and you definitely hit the right notes on all of the humor (especially for the internet crowd of today). Some may even want to replay it again for all the great humor and Marvel cameos, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I don’t know if I could play this off as anything more than a renta…

DON’T SAY IT! Don’t you DARE f@#cking say it! Say it, and I’ll tell them about that time you laughed so hard, Yoo-Hoo came out of your nose when you were in 5th grade! Or when you used to listen to Simple Plan for that five minute period!

Whoa now, let’s not go that far… Wait, how do you even KNOW these things!?

Aha! Got you distracted! Close bracket attack!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>> … Ouch! Jeez, why do I even work with you!? Look, the game really deserves a 6…

It deserves a 10!! No, an 11!!!

I created you… I can take you away… I’ll counter your close bracket with my open bracket!!!


Oh HELL naw!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Stop shouting sound effects!


… So, what do you say we just agree on a 7?

… Okay, deal… But I still get the beer…

Fine, I don’t care!

7 Crafty Little Fourth Wall-Breaking Puns Out Of 10

So seriously, no hard feelings, right?

Uhh… I guess not?

Good! Because I’m not paying you to sit around and mope, bitch! Back to your station!!

*sigh* Can we finally review “The Last of Us” next? I’ve been dying to finish that already…

Not until you update that PS3!!! I already told you the new update doesn’t brick your console anymore! And change that background theme already! Uncharted 3 was SO 2011!!!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Deadpool's Beefy Review Of Man Of Steel (2013) (Mostly Spoiler-Free. Nothing Major Though! Promise!)

The summer blockbusters continue to roll out faster than Vin Diesel on nitrous oxide, and we’re caught right in the butt of things as June finishes up. Although it seemed like the wait lasted forever, Man of Steel is at last upon us, and we can stop speculating about how awesome it is and simply TALK about how awesome it is now! Or can we? Read on to find out if I really meant what I just said there. (See that? That’s how I grab you. That’s called “TAKING” the reader!)

In today’s day and age, nobody at DC wants their heroes bouncy and happy if the Dark Knight trilogy will tell you anything. No; people want their heroes’ dark and brooding, with their nails painted black, and My Chemical Romance posters on their walls (… Remind me of what it is I see in the human race again???). Well, this is finally it. That dark-toned Superman movie you’ve always wondered about is really here. That can come at a bit of a price though, and admittedly it does in some areas, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s examine it for what it simply is… another fracking reboot! Unlike Amazing Spider-Man however, I think a lot of people actually WANTED a reboot of Superman after that last dud. It had potential, but it did not prevent the dud that was. Dud-dee-dud-dud-dud.

The origin story of young Kal-El (Superman for you “I don’t give a crap about your comics, you nerd!” folk. I know you’re out there…) is for the most part on par with what you’ve seen and heard in the past, whether you’re a comic junkie, a casual fan who’s watched the cheeeeeeeeeeeeezy previous movies, or some weird unholy fusion of the two, which is probably also ugly. Russell Crowe plays Jor-El (father of Le Supes), acting in a surprisingly bad-ass manor while trying to protect Clark/Superman/Kal-El/Idontcarewhatyoupick/lol from the stereotypically evil General Zodd. As we all know (but I’ll state again for those “cool” kids who are too proud to admit they don’t), Clark gets sent away in an escape pod while their home planet of Krypton is eventually left in ruins. Clark makes his life on Earth with the parental guidance of Jonathan and Martha Kent, teaching him how not to destroy the planet like a good Saiyan…, ah, I mean Kryptonian… Dragon Ball has no similarities to this… Why ever did I do that…? >>

We see a younger side of Clark, who gets picked on and bullied quite a bit, even though he could rip all the kids’ arms off without batting an eye-lash. In another interesting scene, we see a completely ridiculous bus accident, where the bus falls into a large body of water, and Clark of course comes to everyone’s rescue. Jonathan Kent actually tries to act like this is a bad thing because Clark risked others figuring out that he had special powers… Let me repeat that. Jonathan Kent SCOULDED his adopted song for saving over a DOZEN lives from drowning while trapped inside of a bus because someone “might” have discovered him. I just… Yeah, I’ve got nothing on that one. You’re a SICK man Pa Kent. SICK!!! Remind me never to ask YOU for any favors!

I should probably touch on Henry Cavill now (the guy who actually PLAYS Superman, ajhfdjhkjasfnjkhdf!). The guy knows his way around this part, and happens to play it very well. He even bore some resemblance to Christopher Reeve himself, with that ridiculously chiseled jaw, and unnaturally fit shape that all the guys look at and wonder how the hell he did it. Disturbing tweets from the fangirls aside, he really does a great job with the part. Lois is played by Amy Adams. She does her part well overall too, but there were some moments of social awkwardness that made me think she was just taken right from the world of her movie, Enchanted, and was still learning how to be a normal person instead of a singing cartoon character. She could have broken out into song for no reason and I wouldn’t have even thought it to be out of character. Srsly.

There’s also a great bit of juicy controversy regarding one of the final scenes of the film. Before I get to all of that and its juicy juice-ness, I’d like to go into the action itself. There are explosions, lots of explosions. MANY, MANY explosions! It’s not something like in the case of Transformers, where you’ll wonder if there’s anything else to the movie at all, but it is to be noted that Michael Bay probably had a boner after watching this one. I heard some complaints from others that the film was all mindless action/had no real plot/thought “This is not my Superman”/wonder “why can’t I ever get a date”/etc. I actually completely disagree with all of that. I think the action didn’t really come into the film until after the third quarter or so, where it was definitely like watching two flying Hulks going at it. However, everything before this was pretty much all story, with a few small exceptions. I don’t know where people got the notion that the entire film is nothing but action. Quantum of Solace was nothing but action. This was relatively small compared to that chase-scene extravaganza.

Now to the controversial bits you people won’t shut up about. One is that this film has little to no humor in it whatsoever. That’s a scary thing when it comes to the Superman mythos, and I admit, it bothered me a bit. I don’t mind Supes making a wisecrack once in a while, and that kind of character really took a step to the side here. The other (and the one I know I’ll hear the most bitching), is a decision Clark makes right around the end during the final fight scene. I won’t say what he did, but… wow, I did NOT see that one coming. M. Night Shyamalan could learn from this kind of twist. Now again, since I refuse to spoil this bit for anyone, I really can’t say what Superman did here, but know that it was probably not something you saw coming. I certainly didn’t. Hell, everyone in the whole theater got silent, even that annoying-ass little kid that wouldn’t stop whining. On that note, why the hell was a little kid in there? If a movie has Christopher Nolan’s name across it, you should NOT bring a child near there, unless you want to create another me… And I’ll let that action speak for itself. Look how well I turned out kids!! The burns still haven’t gone away!!! *thumbs up*

All in all, when you put it together, this is actually a pretty good film for what it’s worth, and easily one of the best Superman films ever made by default. I feel like there are many Christopher Reeve fanboys/fangirls that will write off Henry Cavill and not give him the credit he deserves for pulling off this part. But I think he was a perfect choice for this new reboot and I’m actually excited to see where they’ll go with things next (Oh, did I mention a sequel is already confirmed? Well… It IS! YEAAAH!). The pacing of the film was a little jumbly (due to the shifting between flashbacks and current scenes), and the lack of any and almost all emotion was kind of a downer. I also found it quite odd/hilarious that Superman was causing just as much destruction as the villains by the later parts of the film. He apparently cares though… *shrug* Also, did anyone else think that Russell Crowe must have somehow paid the studio to keep him in the film longer? Every time it seemed like we were done with him, he found another way to reach out to us and "teach us" once again! I guess no one ever really stays dead in comic stories, hehehe. But I STILL think the film is more than worth seeing, even despite all of that! Go watch and form your own opinion. Go ahead. I'll still be here.

7 shards of kryptonite out of 10

If only I had those kinds of abilities. Flight, super strength, heat vision… Oh, the bitches I’d get with that. Bitches love the super strength.

- Credit for this awesome picture goes to Vulture34

Friday, June 14, 2013

Ask Deadpool: Vol.1 (Let's Make Some History, Shall We!?)

Welcome to the first edition of “Ask Deadpool,” which is sure to become a collector’s item in the future! Please hold all applause until after the presentation is complete. With that said, let's crack this baby open!

Q: How do you feel about your place within the future of the Kingdom Hearts universe? – Thomas A.

A: As if screaming like a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t enough after discovering that Kingdom Hearts III is in fact a real thing; but then remembering that I may even get be a part of it next time!? Oh Sora, when I’m done with your game, it will no longer have a ‘T’ rating. This is my guarantee!

Q: Dear Deadpool, why aren’t you in Super Smash Bros. yet? – Stefan S.

A: I can assure you the ONLY reason for this is because I have not yet taken control of Nintendo headquarters. I’ve been spending all my recent time trying to take over Capcom first instead. The way I see it, Mega Man Legends 3 takes priority, and at this point, I believe Capcom has demonstrated that the only way we’ll ever get this game is through brutal violence and dismemberment… Same result for a better Resident Evil, AMIRITEFLKS!!1? ^_^

Q: Dear Deadpool,
Why is a raven like a writing desk? – Nina C.


Q: Dear Deadpool, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? – Lucas D.

A: No thanks to that damn owl (!!!), I was able to determine that the result is actually going to be different for pretty much every person you do it with. For example, if you are a small animal, it will probably take over 1000 licks. If you are Gene Simmons, it will probably take about 5. The more you know…

Q: Dear Deadpool, why don’t you have an arch enemy named Livesnooker? – Dan H.

A: I’m going to answer that question with another question. Why are you NOT a current writer for Marvel!? Not only would that be an awesome anti-me, but we could probably make all kinds of stupid sports puns that would fly over people’s heads! You are definitely on to something good sir.

Q: Would you make a contract with me and become a magical girl? ^_^ - Kyubey

A: Well, normally I’d say no…, but your face seems trusting enough, so…

Q: To whom it may concern: If Timmy has 2 apples and Suzy has 3 apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? – Chad M.

A: The truth is, Timmy is actually fat as hell, and won’t rest until he has consumed all of his and Suzy’s apples, as well as everything in sight. Suzy sees Timmy in the distance and remembers “the incident.” One night, her parents mysteriously went missing, and the only thing the police found were some human bones that were confirmed to have been gnawed on. She knows that the end is nigh… The apples were merely a stepping stone for the main course… planet Earth!

And I thought I'd leave you all off with this little number...

Q: So Deadpool, what or who would you compare Microsoft’s Xbox One to? – Sam S.

A: Have you ever had an ex who was so creepy, that they still follow you around all the time? They act like they have no idea why you broke up with them in the first place (spying on you all the time, cleaning out your wallet just so you can do anything with them), insist on getting back together despite refusing to change their ways, and treat you like a jerk for even considering moving on to someone else that will actually treat you much better. They say “What’s so great about them, when I’m right around the corner?” And then when you once again remind them of the reasons why you’re never getting back with their stalker-ass, they start getting more spiteful and even try to make you pay them for the most mundane of things, like the resources they used to stalk you with in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

And there you have it folks! The first volume is under our belts and we can happily look forward to more as long as you keep supplying the awesome questions! Let's continue to rock this casbah!