Saturday, June 29, 2013

Deadpool PROUDLY Reviews The Deadpool Game!!! (PS3/360 Game Review)

You can all finally step off the hype-train and GET ON THE BUUUUS! It’s time for Deadpool’s superextraspecialextravaganza game review! Get ready to laugh, cry, and feel all of those other sexy emotions while we blow your freaking head off with top-notch gameplay and that “DAFUQ DID I JUST WATCH!?” mentality that makes me such a hit with the kiddies (hahaha, seriously never let your kid near me. I bite… Chomp chomp. ;) ). THE DEAPOOL GAME IS FREAKING HERE BITCHES!!! You can now commence to bowing down before yours truly as the game is and always has been all about ME! Are the confines of your own life bringing you down because you can never be quite as awesome as me? Then step into my shoes for a day and see what you’re REALLY missing out on! I do it all, baby! Guns? Check. Unnecessary, but hilarious bathroom humor? Double check. Lots of physics-breaking action? Oh ho ho yeah, we’ve got that. Hot women that I have no business being around?... Thankfully, YES, we do have that too! Awesome! And all of that fourth-wall breaking that you imaginative types crave? Yeah… I guess we have a ton of that!!!

The only thing that may be a bit off to a few people is the fact that they’re using the Deadpool from Daniel Way’s run on the comic (also known as WayPool on the internet, by no-life crotch pheasants who like to poke fun at the random comedy style), as opposed to the likes of classic writers such as Joe Kelly and Gail Simone. Honestly, I like different things about all of these writers (especially Mr. Kelly… Call me babe???). The latter two writers gave a bit of a method to my madness, and even tried to sympathize with me and my lifestyle, bless their little writer souls. Daniel Way made me a bit more psychotic and random, even putting multiple personalities in my head. Well, that’s the formula that carries over here, so DEAL WITH IT. Complaining? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Honestly, why are you even reading this!? What more do you need to know!? I kick ass in it, it’s funny as balls, and you’re going to leave it smiling like a doofus, because that’s just how I leave you people off. In fact, screw this! I’m going to get a beer. Hey, Justin! Slave boy! Read off the rest of this paper for me. It covers all the other main points you need to get through. I’ll be back with the booze, so that I can drink it in front of you and we can poke fun at the fact that you’re a diabetic. HAHA, he can’t drink regular soda!

… Ugh, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, let’s just get this over with… Okay, let’s see… Deadpool is so… hot? Every time I see him, I get really jealous and only wish that my package could be… even close to an iota of a fraction of the same size?... I once had a fantasy where me and Deadpool… GAH, forget this!!! Honestly, people, the game is admittedly funny, but it’s no game of the year. In fact, as a game it’s actually pretty… average? You get a combo system that improves as you upgrade with points you get for killing bad guys, which helps things a little, but the gameplay never reaches any heights that you’d see in games of a higher caliber. The story is completely incomprehensible, because even Deadpool admits it’s kind of being created as they go. He’s also kind of a sexist douche…

Hey! What are you doing in there Justin!? I thought I told you to read off that sheet of paper! Did you even get to the part where you had that fantasy about me…?

GAH, that didn’t happen, and for the record, that’s disgusting as hell! Jeez… I was just telling them the truth about your game…

The truth!? You people want the TRUTH!? You bitches can’t handle the truth about my game!!! It’s got everything to keep me and fans of my hotness satisfied! What more could you want!?

Some replayability would have been nice for starters. After you finish the campaign, that’s pretty much it. There’s not much in the way of extras and the fighting was just okay at best. The only parts that were fresh were the little inside jokes that would change up the gameplay for five seconds. Otherwise, it was just… the same. Meh. It’s just average hack and slash/shooter mechanics with average boss fights…

You traitor! I look awesome kicking ass with my swords and guns! All that dismemberment and funny story is good enough for these lowlifes! Exclamation mark secret jutsu attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!! … Ow! Knock it off with those! This isn’t going to cater to every gamer out there. They’re a demanding bunch. Yeah, it was great that you got Nolan North to be your voice actor since he seems to get all of the best characters, and you definitely hit the right notes on all of the humor (especially for the internet crowd of today). Some may even want to replay it again for all the great humor and Marvel cameos, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I don’t know if I could play this off as anything more than a renta…

DON’T SAY IT! Don’t you DARE f@#cking say it! Say it, and I’ll tell them about that time you laughed so hard, Yoo-Hoo came out of your nose when you were in 5th grade! Or when you used to listen to Simple Plan for that five minute period!

Whoa now, let’s not go that far… Wait, how do you even KNOW these things!?

Aha! Got you distracted! Close bracket attack!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>> … Ouch! Jeez, why do I even work with you!? Look, the game really deserves a 6…

It deserves a 10!! No, an 11!!!

I created you… I can take you away… I’ll counter your close bracket with my open bracket!!!


Oh HELL naw!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Stop shouting sound effects!


… So, what do you say we just agree on a 7?

… Okay, deal… But I still get the beer…

Fine, I don’t care!

7 Crafty Little Fourth Wall-Breaking Puns Out Of 10

So seriously, no hard feelings, right?

Uhh… I guess not?

Good! Because I’m not paying you to sit around and mope, bitch! Back to your station!!

*sigh* Can we finally review “The Last of Us” next? I’ve been dying to finish that already…

Not until you update that PS3!!! I already told you the new update doesn’t brick your console anymore! And change that background theme already! Uncharted 3 was SO 2011!!!

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