Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Deadpool's META Review Of The Deadpool Movie!!! (2016)

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There comes a time in every person's life when they finally make it big. I mean really big. Like, SUPER BIG. Absolutely huge. Massive. Throbbing. You get the idea. As I sit here now, watching the Grammy's and thinking "... Why the hell am I watching the Grammys?", I can't help but roll back and laugh with glee, knowing that you love me. You REALLY LOVE ME!!! But seriously, what the hell is with the Grammy's? "Thank you. We would have never imagined getting this far, writing these safe, radio-friendly pop songs." Go eat a rooster!

But enough about award shows that make more money than me (before nOOOOw). This is MY time to shine folks!!! We're here. We're really here. It's really happening. There is actually a Deadpool movie that is faithful to my motherf@#king name, son!!! What's my name!?? X-Men Origins: Wolverine, eat your heart out, you ungrateful hussy! Ah yes, it seemed like only yesterday that I was bitching about this movie never seeing the light of day. Ryan Reynolds has been my homeboy for quite a while, as who else could portray my miraculous boo-tay better than Reynolds!? But I'm getting ahead of myself (as Reynold's buttocks are known to make one do). I promised that dork Justin I'd be fair and let him sit by me, like that time we reviewed the Deadpool game together. But this time I will be the one doing the typing, as he is boring. And dumb. And short. So freaking short. Maybe stop obsessing about politics every five minutes, so you can actually breathe and have some fun with your miserable life!? Jeez. I am his biggest critic, loveable type-1 diabetic shorty. (They'll find a cure someday, maybe, probably, I guess? I meant for being short of course.)

Okay, so to be FAIR, we'll look at this objectively. Let's start with the look and atmosphere of the movie. Fox finally got the look and design of my costume right as hell. They worked hard to get it looking accurate after all of the fans (including yours truly) yelled at them for being so bad at life. We couldn't save Fantastic Four (R.I.P. The Thing's pants), but we got to my character just in the nick of time!!! (Fun fact: The first ever Deadpool Movie Review™ was actually for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. We've come so far since then! Like, I still live in the same place, but I own a lot more video games!!) As for the atmosphere? Well, let's go through the checklist. Is it goofy? Check! Is it accurate to my portrayal in the comics? That's a Joe Kelly check! Does it have a lot of action? Check! Is it over-the-top? Hohoho, double check! Does it portray me sympathetically, as an effect of my sexy personality? Surprisingly check!!! Holy crap. It's like they actually asked the fans what they wanted in a Deadpool movie or something! Unbelievable!!

But I don't just want to make it all about me (hahahaha, yes I actually do, but still). I need to call attention to the rest of the cast for five seconds! Morena Baccarin does an awesome job playing Vanessa, my super sexy crazy girlfriend that hasn't gotten sick of me yet for some reason. TJ Miller plays Weasel, the best/worst friend ever, who helps me out of a bunch of tight jams (and also makes way too many cracks about how ugly my face is :-( ). Brianna Hildebrand and Stefan Kapic-... Stefan play Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus, both doing excellent jobs with their parts, especially Stefan for giving Colossus more personality than we've ever seen him with to date! Leslie Uggams did an awesome job as Blind Al, a wonderful old woman I room with who says she hates me right before helping me, and proceeding to say she hates me again. All in all, a lovely friend. And then I guess Ed Skrein plays Francis too, but why even go into him? He sucks!!!... I guess the fact that I hate him so much, means he did his part pretty well too, right? Eh, no, I'm still going to go with "He sucks!!!"

The soundtrack gets major MAJOR props for being boss as hell! I guarantee you that you will never hear "Careless Whisper" the same way again in your life. And that's good! Because that means my movie is making an impact on the world. What? We already did that by making the movie R-rated? Muahahaha!! Even better!! I heard Wolvie is already looking to get an R-rated film following the success of mine. FOOLS! My movie is not simply great because we dropped a bunch of f-bombs, violence, and nudity (mostly involving my ass!). It was great because it stayed TRUE to the comics by which it was based. We used the material correctly, and we remained META as all hell while doing it! You can't put a price on that (not including the $10+ ticket rate involved, IMAX/3D rate, popcorn and other snacks, and gas to get to the show, but HEY!).

Since there is absolutely no reason not to give it the perfect score, I will reach higher and give it an 11 out of 10! Yeah, that's right baby. This is my part and I'm the head!!! (... That... could have come out better, but I'm keeping it there anyway.)

"Oh hell no you don't!!!"

Oh shi- Justin!? What the hell do you want? Here to spoil my review by doing WAY too much research on a topic as usual? Go listen to your prog rock.

"Just because this movie was admittedly good, doesn't mean you can give it a perfect score when it does not deserve it."

Not AGAIN with this. Didn't you learn anything when we reviewed my video game? The ">" key is only part of the pain that you will experience this time around!

"Just let me say my damn piece. People need to know the flaws amongst the good."

Whatever. Write your silly piece, while I throw popcorn at your face. Kapow!

"Ow, stop that! Jesus. Alright. The problems. Quickly, to avoid further popcorn injury. So outside of Reynold's crazy humor, the plot is actually about as predictable as you can get. There's no unexpected twists in the story's structure, and that actually kind of hurts it a bit. Yes, it's hilarious to see Deadpool poke fun at his own film (like he is currently doing with me at the moment...), but it doesn't help the fact that you have just about every age-old trope in existence coming to play here. The "girlfriend" character gets kidnapped so that the hero has to go and save her again? Really???"

Wow, that was really passionate Justin. I'm crying in tears of joy over your broody seriousness. Honestly, are you a writer for the DC Cinematic Universe? Sounds like you'd be right up their alley.

"Can we just get on with fighting to the death over what the score should be?"

Yeah, sure. Hey. Why not? I mean, it's not like we're really just the same person and you're about to create an imaginary battle using a bunch of keystrokes to represent this epic struggle, right?

"Uh, yeah, right..."

Double bracket attack!!! >>>>> >>>>>

>>>>> >>>>> "Ow! Why does that actually hurt in real life!??"


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"DEAR GOD, never do that to me again. Look, can we just give it a proper score for what it is? You've already broken all kinds of records for R-rated movies across the board, and this is only the beginning of your big-screen successes. Nothing I say is going to change that now."

... Fine, but when you finally work up the nerve to pick up Street Fighter V, I get to be Zangief!!!

"... Okay. I don't really care, but okay."

Awesome! Then give it your crappy score and let's move on with our lives!

"9 Jokes Relating To Rob Liefield Out Of 10"

You fought me in upside down text for a 9? You're silly. Why are you so silly?

"Alright, alright. So there you have it folks! If anyone needs me, I'll be getting an ice pack. Stupid... brackets..."

So there you have it folks indeed, Justin! The future is bright, and the going is only going to get tougher, now that I've caused Fox to re-evaluate their entire global franchise strategy. HAHA, made you reorganize your finances! I think I'll take this a step farther and reference the comic book movie in the comic. Comic-ception! D-POOLY REPRESENT!

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