Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Deadpool's Completely Festive Movie Review Of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)

Muahaha… While you all thought I was just being lazy, I was actually holding off on releasing another review until Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Fesitvus/ZombieJesusDay/etc.! (… Okay, that’s a lie; I was actually just being lazy. Hey, YOU try working a mercenary job with no salary these days! Damn kids and your Steam sales…)

So on top of ALL those other movies we already saw this month, we have perhaps one of the most hyped right in front of our freaking little pupils, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Based off the second book in this irregularly popular series, the trilogy continues right where the end of the first film left off. I’m going to be completely honest with all y’allz; as a fan of the three books (HEREADSBOOKSZOMG), I did NOT care for the way the first story was depicted on screen. Not only did the movie take away every last sense of wonder and mystery that the first novel gave you , but their attempt to look like “the indie kid” with that damn shaky camera was just too much to stomach (Literally! I couldn’t keep that popcorn down for long folks!... Sorry again to the kid who was in front of me… He knows why… >_>).

Well I’m thrilled to report that this sequel fixed just about every annoying little complaint I had with the first film. For starters, NO MORE SHAKY SEIZURE-INDUCING CAMERA BITCHES! I think we can all agree it was just a bad idea the first time around and move on with our self-entitled little lives. Secondly, the mystery factor is more or less back again. Now obviously, when a book is written from the perspective of one character, you can’t usually expect the movie to follow the same pattern. While the second film doesn’t exactly do that either, it’s okay, because the things you see going on outside actually enhance the experience, rather than just rob you of any ounce of development like it did the first time around.

And plenty happens this time around. Just when you think you’re starting to get a grasp on things by about halfway through the movie, they slap you across the face at 180 degrees to show you that things are just getting started and that no one is ready for what’s coming. Gotta love that doom and gloom. Kids love the doom and gloom. Because it’s deep. Deep like them.

… So deep.

As usual, the actors and actresses were at their best, and we got some excellent newcomers thrown into the mix. Everyone plays their part like they were pretty much born for the role. This especially applies to parts like Effie, who should more or less be a Japanese anime character, and Finnick, who was so accurate to his book description, I’d almost argue that he existed in real life first and that Suzanne Collins simply wrote about him after!

I will also say that of the three mentioned books, this is actually my favorite of the three. After the first story, you had absolutely no idea what was going to really happen next, and that was totally rad. It added to that badass feeling of badass-ery when you finally did know what was coming and knew where to go from there. Even though I’m pissed that the third book (of EQUAL length to the other two) is being made into two separate movies, ala that annoying trend I’m now seeing among most Hollywood book-to-film projects, I’m still happily excited to see where the movies will go from here. But enough of that! It’s time for the part where I give the review score and say something witty to end this on.

9 Quarter Quell’s Out Of 10

If there’s one thing that seeing the success of these books/movies has taught me, it’s that in order to be a famous writer of today, you need to craft a story about a young female overcoming obstacles and fighting corruption. If you do this right, you will become a BILLIONARE. I kid you not. If you think I’m wrong, read up on another little series called Divergent, which is about to do the EXACT. SAME. THING. No offense to the Divergent series, but I think we can all see what’s going on there, as do I since I read the first book (HEREADANOTHERBOOKZOMGITSLIKEIDONTEVENKNOWYOUANYMORE). Merry ‘all those holidays I wrote down in the first paragraph’ everyone!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Deadpool's Timey Wimey Movie Review of Doctor Who: The Day Of The Doctor (2013)

Long time, no rant folks! Hope you didn’t miss me too much! ... Because honestly, the feelings probably weren’t reciprocated…

So, Doctor Who. That’s certainly gotten quite a rise in popularity, hasn’t it? If you’re not in on the craze, I’ll break it on down for ya. So this guy, right? He’s not this ordinary guy though. He’s this time traveler, known as a Time Lord (they look like us, but they don’t age like us!). He travels in a police call box (courtesy of the 60’s!) with different companions through time and space. What do they do with this amazing power? Usually find all kinds of problems (by accident!) and solve them, saving said time and space. Many aliens and Dalek’s abound! After a certain point, when one actor’s run on the show would be up, they’d create a scenario where the character would be dying, only to have him regenerate into a whole new Doctor, with the memories of his previous self. A simple formula that’s more or less worked for the last 50 years! That’s right folks. This show is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. What began as a small, low-budget science fiction television series has now become a high-engrossing low-budget science fiction television series, with a fan-base comparable to that of Star Wars. Yes, it’s THAT popular.

What’s kept it going for so long? Well, to be honest, it wasn’t always doing so great. The first few years were pretty solid, with an excellent pickup by this guy in a long scarf in the 70’s. (You may have heard of him; Tom Baker’s pretty iconic now.) Things got a bit rocky in the middle, with arguable reasons as to what brought the show’s popularity down (*cough cough* the Colin Baker years *cough cough cough* Poor bastard *cough cough* He got the crap end of the stick for doing what the writers and directors told him to do *cough cough holycrapthatsalotofcoughing cough cough*). Once 2005 hit, the show was rebooted with surprisingly awesome results. The Doctors also became younger, which therefore brought about a ridiculous number of fangirls into the show. Said fangirls are also the reason I avoided even getting into this show until about a year and a half ago. If there’s one train I have no desire to hitch a ride on, it’s the ol’ HYPE TRAIN! Lucky for THOSE annoying people, the show is freaking awesome and I’ve been trying to watch it all to make up for lost times. What, how was I supposed to know the hype was actually justified for once!?

Flash forward to now, and we’ve finally got a big fancy movie to justify this whole shebang. The current Doctor (Matt Smith) meets with his former self, the 10th Doctor (David “Best Hair Evar!” Tennant) to get involved with a topic the show kind of danced around ever since the reboot began: The Great Time War! Yes, not only do we finally learn what happened in this war that caused every other Time Lord to lose their lives in it. (Not a spoiler by the way for those who don’t know Who! They say that almost right after the reboot starts!) Without going into too many other details (because believe me, there are a LOT of details I could go into), things get crazy pretty fast. Steven Moffat has been building up to writing this story for quite some time after Russel T. Davies left the mount, and boy was there a lot of ground to cover.

Something I should get out of the way is that this movie is NOT for new fans. Seriously, if you start with this, you’re pretty much asking for a grenade to go off in your head; that’s how fast it will explode over what you’re seeing on-screen (especially if you saw it in 3D!). There are a lot of plot threads that were touched on, with many many many many many many MANY more that can still be expanded onto. I can respect Moffat not wanting to go back to the material that Davies had left before passing on the torch, but I was hoping for at least a few more references to it. People expecting some kind of 10th Doctor/Rose reunion are going to likely come out disappointed, and even worse than that, David Tennant’s hair is no longer floofy!!! I want my floofy David Tennant hair back dammit!!!

Overall, the movie itself is quite good, plot holes be damned. You get what you came for: Matt Smith and David Tennant taking hilarious jabs at each other, a complex plot with an even more complex result, and all of the action that one would normally expect for this type of show. If you want more than that, then again, you may be disappointed. That said, I’m not sure what else you would have actually expected from this by now. I mean bro, do you even lift, ah, I mean watch the show!?

As much fun as I had with this movie (and believe me, I had a BLAST with it!), there are of course some issues. So now that we’re past the “OMG DOCTOR WHO IS THE GREATEST; BOWTIEZ FOR LIFE!” stage of this review; I can get down to my more personal and sexy thoughts. My beefs mainly go in line with Steven Moffat’s writing. The guy has a brilliant knowledge base of the show and uses it quite often to make little nods to the classic episodes, which is aweomsesauce. The problem is when he writes these plotlines with huge stakes, only to result in little actual repercussions of any of it. It was annoying the more he did it in the show, and it’s completely out of hand here. Fans of Russel T. Davies’ writing on the first four seasons will also be quite disappointed to see almost everything they loved about those seasons get more or less ripped out from under them. Some won’t care; in fact many won’t, based on some of the attention spans I’ve seen in the human race lately.

Maybe I’m just talking into thin air… Cyberspacey air at that, but it wouldn’t be one of my reviews without me letting out my deepest most inner thoughts… about a sci-fi TV series… Shut up, I’m NORMAL!!! X_X

So there you pretty much have it. It was fun, exciting, and left a whole new dimension of possibilities for what we can expect in the future. I wish it was done differently, but I’m not going to act like that made this a bad movie by any means either. Kudos for some of the nods to the show’s own trivia, like everyone’s pal Tom “The Mother-F@#king Scarf” Baker’s cameo, and the brief and slightly unexpected shot of the upcoming new Doctor, Peter Capaldi. Even if it was just a few seconds; that was the best “giving the eyebrow” face I’ve seen in years!

8 Regenerations out of 10 (Or should I say 11 for now? Hehehe… Clever. That’s what I am…)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rewatch every old episode, so I can complain about how the stuff I liked was better than the stuff that’s out now. Hipster Deadpool has spoken! Face!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Deadpool's Mighty Movie Review Of Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Welcome back to my side of the streetz boys and girls! While everyone and their grandmother is enjoying Catching Fire and Doctor Who’s Day of the Doctor special this week, I’ve decided to take my time with that and write up my review for Thor: The Dark World first. Honestly, if it’s not done right, I probably won’t do it at all, and that’s just not cool… You don’t want me to not do anything. I’ve got all this blog space, and SO MANY IDEARZ TO SHARE WITZ UZ GUYZ!!! For starters, this review!

So this time around, the filmmakers decided, “Hey, we didn’t have enough scenes outside of the Earthly realm in the first movie. Let’s totally do more stuff on Asgard and other places!” … Lucky for them, that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking they should do! So right off the bat, I was on board. Top it all off with the fact that the actors and actresses clearly enjoyed playing their roles a bit more this time around. It goes a long way when people actually ACT like they want to be in the film they’re a part of.

I felt like there was a slightly better plot within the movie this time around, at least from what I can remember. It revolves around this substance called the Aether, a weapon capable of destroying the universe itself (because just being able to blow up one planet at a time is simply not enough to keep the kids attention these days!). While Loki is being imprisoned after the events of The Avengers film, Thor and his posse go ravaging across the Nine Realms in order to keep the peace. Marvel seems to have learned that fans like the cheesy one-liners, and OH MY GAWD do they bring on the cheese with this one! Thankfully it’s the good, natural kind of cheese, and not that disgusting processed stuff.

It’s not before long that things go amiss after Dr. Jane Foster goes and somehow gets infected by this very Aether substance! Hammer senses tingling, Thor immediately realizes that SHIT JUST GOT REAL and proceeds to head back to Earth and find her. Bringing her back to Asgard, they realize how serious things are, just in time for the real villains of this movie to come into play. Christopher Eccleston (The Ninth Doctor himself for you Whovians!), plays the bad-ass Dark Elf Malekith. Now personally, if I had heard that a villain with the name of Dark Elf Malekith was coming after me, I’d have probably screamed like a little girl and run fast as a cheetah… No…; TWO cheetahs, to get the hell out of there. He’s just a straight up fearsome dude, especially when a goliath like Thor is having issues with him!

The real best scenes in this film however, revolve around the relationship between Thor and his brother Loki once again. Loki has come a long way from when he was that quiet, fragile… thing, and has really started to prove himself as one of the best, if not the best actor in the movie. Let’s just say that sibling rivalry reaches some all new levels of craziness here. It’s not done in some sense that you feel the movie is trying to insult your intelligence (like certain sequels involving transforming robots with lots of explosions... who shall remain nameless… ), but rather in the sense that you actually feel like you’re having fun AND being enlightened at the same time.

There are a few little complaints I have about this sequel, though I’m happy to say there really aren’t that many. For one thing, they introduce Jane Foster’s rival of sorts in the romance department, Sif. Strange as it sounds, I actually felt like she and Thor were having a much better relationship throughout the film than Thor and Jane were, and felt like they threw her out just as quickly as they put her in. Another thing is that looking back on the story itself… Well… The story actually wasn’t that good. It can be overlooked because the whole thing is fun anyway, but I can’t think of one moment in the main story that actually stood out to me in any shape or form. The whole thing is just kind of hazy now, and I’m pretty sure that nothing except for specific illegal substances are supposed to make me feel that way.

Maybe the Avengers film just spoiled us, to the point where we won’t accept anything without the same level of quality. I don’t really know. What I do know is that this is still definitely a sequel worth seeing. Just don’t expect any jaw-dropping moments (save for one choice scene near the end, courtesy of Loki and his wacky antics) and you’ll come out feeling like you had a good time.

7 Swings Of The Hammer Out Of 10

I also have to note that the fangirls are getting a little insane with this one. Yes, Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston are attractive young dudes, but I DON’T need to hear you all squealing about it for the whole movie! The last thing we need is more Twilight-esque rivalries between the two… But if there are, I’m team Loki… Just… throwing that out there… >_>

Sunday, November 17, 2013

My First Impressions Of The Playstation 4

Some of this may come off as rambling, but I feel that’s the best way to get the most of my thoughts out in this particular case. I had a lot of things go through my head as I booted the PS4 up for the first time and saw what Sony is describing as “the future of gaming.” While I don’t know if the “future” is too different from what we have now, it’s still an interesting topic discussion.

First off, we have to talk about the design of this thing. It has a slanted look that makes the whole thing very sleek and artsy-looking. Some may write it off as odd, but I like it. This look comes at a bit of a price however. For one thing, the shape makes it a little difficult to reach around the back if you’re plugging in the connector cables. It also doesn’t help that the system has a bit of a wobble to it. Yes, if you press down on the left side of the system, it will wobble like that annoying table you’ve questioned keeping until you remembered how expensive new tables are. It’s not a deal-breaker or anything (I’ve got mine on a surface that doesn’t even have this problem), but something to note if you were just going to sit it on a flat table. One last bit of weirdness to note is the power and eject buttons. Most people probably won’t even see them (I didn’t!) the first time around. They’re tiny, and placed in between the small crevices of the system’s left-center. Honestly, they’re just odd. I’m not even sure I can call that sleek like the rest of the system, but I could see why people would say it is. The blue/white light that emanates on top of the system is quite nice-looking as well. Everything else is about how you’d expect. 2 USB ports in the front and standard ports in the back round it all up.

The controller tries to take the best features of the Dual Shock 2 and 3 and implement a little bit of touch-pad ability as well. It feels about the same as the previous versions despite, though the analog sticks thankfully aren’t popping out like the previous two iterations, and actually point inward, not unlike the Xbox 360’s controller. I always found this to be the more effective method for analog sticks, and am glad Sony finally caught on to using them this way. The shoulder buttons are about the same as last time for better or for worse (as I still find myself hitting the R2/L2 triggers by accident!).

When you first turn everything on, the visuals aren’t going to look too drastically different from what you’ve seen on the PS3’s dashboard. You mainly have all the same functions as before, but switched around a bit into a setup that some might or might not find easier. Personally, I don’t see much difference, but do feel it is at least a bit smoother than before. Putting in a new game disc can be a bit of an annoyance if you’re hoping to simply start the game right from start up. You will have to install some data onto the hard drive and depending on the game; it could be as high as 50 GB or more per title! Thankfully, I haven’t experienced any games with an install size that high yet, but this could quickly become taxing for those who don’t want to replace their hard drive with a larger one right away. You can also start with all of the same video apps you used previously (Netflix, Hulu, Crackle, Crunchyroll, etc.), and they work about the same as they always have.

It’s the game visuals you really want to hear about however, so I’ll get right into that. I played a total of 3 games so far (as well as a timed demo I tried briefly). The first game was Resogun, a shoot-em-up in the vein of classic titles like R-Type and Geometry Wars. While the game itself is simple enough (fly around in a circular plane, blowing up other ships, rescuing people, and upgrading in order to blow up more things and giant bosses), the effects are absolutely stunning to look at. There are particle effects and explosions abound. The game itself is hard as nails, which is just how I like games of this type. I only beat about 2 or 3 stages in my playthrough, but I intend to go back and get even farther next time.

The next game I played was called Contrast, a 3D platformer/puzzle game. It’s hard to fully explain the plot of this game without spoiling a million plot details, but know that it is a 2D/3D platformer in the sense of exploration around Paris in the 1920’s. You play as (at least from what I can tell so far) an imaginary friend of a little girl named Didi, setting off to follow her mother and father, and trying to get them back together again after what appeared to be some hard times for them all. What makes the gameplay interesting more than anything, is your character’s ability to jump into walls with light pointing at them, making you control her shadow in 2D platforming sections. This adds a whole new dimension to the genre, having to make sure lights are pointed in the correct places in order to get through the many obstacles the game throws at you. It starts off with a child-like wonder, which appears to be getting darker as it goes along. I’ve only played the first of the game’s three acts, but I can’t wait to go back. While not graphically the best, the style is simply unforgettable, and it actually makes me jealous and wish I came up with something like it first myself!

Now let’s move on to some bigger stuff. I had some difficulty deciding which launch title to go with for PS4, but finally decided on Assassin’s Creed IV for now. I noticed that Battlefield 4 and others will be in random Black Friday sales (including online), so I will likely go for it then. While virtually the same game as the previous system versions, I did check multiple comparisons between platforms, and sure enough, the PS4 version is the best looking to come out so far (PC and Xbox One versions pending, since they’re not out just yet). The PS4 version also seems to have an extra hour or so of gameplay (according to the box at least!), so that’s another plus. I’ve played every Assassin’s Creed title up until this point, so continuing was no problem for me. Happy to say I’m actually enjoying it a lot more than III as well. I’ve loved the concept of pirates since I was about 3 years old, so this one kind of gobbled me up from the get go. Also interested in seeing where the story will go this time after the events of III kind of left you hanging.

Finally, I also played a demo for a game called Knack. I initially had high hopes for this one because it was from game director/developer/programmer/producer/etc. Mark Cerny. You may recall his name on titles ranging from Sonic the Hedgehog 2, all the way to Crash Bandicoot, Spyro the Dragon, Jak & Daxter, Ratchet & Clank, and so many more. Well, this is his latest project, and while it isn’t quite as great as the titles I listed above, I’d say it still has some of the charm we’ve come to love from his past games. The problem is the gameplay. You move very slow and sluggishly, and the game is also surprisingly hard for the family-friendly audience they’re presenting it to. This may have been intentional on Cerny’s part (especially if one remembers how hard the first Crash Bandicoot game was), but I’m not sure how fun people are going to really find this. While called a 3D platformer, it’s really more of a 3D brawler than anything else. Not that that’s a bad thing necessarily, but throw it up with gameplay that doesn’t really amount to much more than bashing your enemies in and getting taller (ala Katamari Damacy). If the rest of the game doesn’t really progress from this, I’d have a hard time shelling out $60 for it, however I’m sure I’ll play it once it’s come down to below the $30 range someday. With that said , I will give credit where credit is due. The graphics involved in both Knack and the characters he comes to interact/fight with are top notch. It’s hard not to be dazzled by the way everything looks in motion, and some of the other characters may even remind you of that Pixar-esque charm we’ve all come to love.

I really haven’t found myself taking in too many of the system’s new features yet, but I intend to check it all out soon enough. I also have to note that it was incredibly annoying to log in to my PSN account, due to how many times I was kicked out when everyone else was trying to sign on at the same time. Once I was in however, things were pretty smooth from that point on. It’s also nice to see Sony giving a little extra to all early adopters, by adding $10 of PSN shop credit, as well as 30 day trial for their unlimited music service and a free month of their PS+ service.

It’s hard to label this system as a must own at the moment simply because there have not been that many great or unique (first and third-party) titles at launch yet (I’m hearing mixed things about Killzone, and Knack really hasn’t won me over yet either). As of right now, I can only recommend it to the hardcore gamers that want to jump into the action early. For everyone else, it might be better to hold off and wait for some of the better lineup come February/March. That said; I do see great things ahead for this console, and I can't wait to see how things progress in the coming months.

Hope this has been at least somewhat informative for everyone and thanks for reading my rambles!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Deadpool's Spacey Movie Review Of Ender's Game (Spoiler Free, Yada Yada) (2013)

After months in isolation, one man triumphs in reclaiming his homeland…: ME bitches! Deadpool’s back in tha’ house! Here to entertain you, while still informing you at the same time; a line seemingly uncrossed by the likes of cable news channels (ZOMGDIDHEJUSTGOTHEREYESITHINKHEDID!). Today, I come bearing review of a movie that I’m having a hard time believing is finally out. This thing was halted in production multiple times because the book’s author wouldn’t rest until it was as great of an adaptation as possible. So what the heck did we actually get here? READ ON, BECAUSE I’M NOT JUST GOING TO TELL YOU UP HERE, YOU NINNY!

Ender’s Game is based on the classic sci-fi novel, but that infamous and oddly homophobic man, Orson Scott Card (of whom I’m happy to announce to fans, didn’t really make any money from the film itself, so it’s safe to go see it, guilt-free!). Ender Wiggin is a scrawny-looking (although genius!) boy, who is chosen to join Battle School, what is basically a space-age boot camp to become the best of the best and learn how to fight the buggers… Oh wait, they’re not called buggers in the movie? They’re just called Formics?... Damn it Orson Scott Card. Damn it. You start with the little things…

One thing I remember taking from the book (that’s right; I read it. I’m hip. I’m with it.), was the constant amount of bullying that Ender goes through in his quest to reach the top. That’s still all here in full force, and it’s no less painful to see as it was to read about back then. This is some harsh stuff for those who might not be prepared for it. If you didn’t read the book, then I question what kind of sci-fi fan you are in the first place, since it’s pretty much up there with Dune and friends for the highest-rated stories of its genre!

The effects are pretty top-notch all around the board here. The moments that shine the most for the film are definitely Ender’s trials in the anti-gravity chamber (where you’ll see the most futuristic games of Quidditch ever!), and the later scenes which I won’t spoil anything about for those who didn’t already read/watch it. HA, you thought I’d give away plot details, but you’re a fool! A foolishly foolish fool! Read it, you lazy buggers! There, found another use for the word! #giveusbackourbuggers

The actors and actresses pretty much play out their parts the way they were supposed to. Asa Butterfield did a great job as Ender. Some may say he plays kind of a lifeless character, but if you ask me, this is pretty much exactly the way he was portrayed, so I see no issues there. Harrison Ford was also notable as Colonel Graff, who came off more as an older Han Solo, teaching future Rebel Alliance soldiers how to learn the ropes… On another note, I am surprisingly okay with this! Who wouldn’t want to be led into space combat by the nerf herder himself, I ask you!?

Unfortunately for those who have read the book (again, like yours truly #ididntchoosethehipsterlife), you’re also going to notice that they left out quite a hefty bit of material. I wasn’t surprised that this happened, in fact, I was expecting it; but it was still disappointing all the same to see such an intricate book cut down for time. There was an entire subplot in the book, featuring Ender’s brother Peter and sister Valentine, in which the two begin writing faux internet entries as two figures, Lock and Demosthenes, in an attempt for Peter to gain political power, while Valentine can watch over him from a bit of a distance. What was one of the most interesting parts of the whole damn thing was taken out to make time for the more “important” scenes instead. They also kind of half-ass (or is it more like quarter-ass?) the scenes where Ender plays a game that is supposed to test his mind and psyche. Many details are left out and sped up just to get to the point of it all; once again, leaving out so much of what made it such an eye-opening sequence to begin with.

I guess having read the book, I kind of wished there was about a half-hour more. They would have been able to flesh out many more details if the film simply crossed that 2 and a half hour mark. In fact, I’ve got an idea. Release an extended edition of the film (like the people behind The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings movies make a killing off of!), or an “ultimate edition” like we saw with the Watchmen film, making it all come together for those who wanted more. I dunno you guys… Maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way. If I hadn’t read the book, would I have still wanted more out of this?... Actually, yeah, I probably would.

It’s not a bad film by any means, quite the opposite in fact. It’s just that it could have been so much more than what it was, and it’s going to leave many viewers going hungry, wondering if they just ate Chinese food and got that feeling where it wears off suddenly. It’s still worth seeing, but the impact of it all and the big climax scene near the end just won’t have the same effect that the beautiful papery book goodness provides. #whenbooklovebecomesunhealthy

7 Buggers Out Of 10

Now if we could just do something about the bullying on this planet… Oh well, I guess that’s nothing a new Hunger Games sequel won’t cure, right? See you next time, when the flurry of November blockbusters will continue! Seriously though, I don't have the money for all of these...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Deadpool's Unreasonably Belated Movie Review of The Wolverine (2013)

Good morning/afternoon/evening/whateverthehelltimeyourereadingthis! I greatly apologize for the agonizing delay in writing this review for “The Wolverine.” Jeez, just that title makes me think of when bands try to “re-invent” themselves and do it by making a new self-titled album. And I wouldn’t blame them in this case; X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a steaming pile, saved only by the awesome actor that is Hugh Jackman. The man has what is probably the most accurate last name of all time. I mean, look at this crazy dude! This picture is from a recent workout routine.

I mean DAYUM! The bar was bending! That means it’s heavy as all sin, people!!! JACKED-man jokes aside, we need to go into the actual movie here. Once again, it’s very loosely based on a comic (Wolverine by Chris Claremont and Frank Miller in 82) and involves Wolvie laying the smackdown on baddies and saving everybody he can in the process. What’s the general plot this time? Logan/Wolvie/My BFF saved a Japanese officer named Yashida during the atomic bombing of Nagasaki in 1945 and convinces him to keep on living. Years later, Logan is pursued by Yukio, a mutant who can see the future (sort of, but, not really, but sort of kind of at the same time), who asks him to come with her to see Yashida, who is now on his deathbed years after becoming the CEO of a large technology corporation. Yashida offers Logan the chance to take his healing ability away (which Logan sees as a curse for some silly reason… What? I literally live off that shiiat!), so that his suffering can finally end. Saying anything further about how Wolvie reacts to this would be a spoiler, so I’ll proceed to talking about other things now.

The action was GREAT! Usually you either get a film that has great action or a great plot, but never both. In this case you get great action with a decent plot. So while it’s not the best of both worlds, it’s still above average, which compared to the last Wolverine film is a godsend. It has the typical buildup that you would expect, with plot developments and fight scenes crazier than the last. Also, once again without spoiling anything (because I’m a generous mofo like that!), Wolvie starts having some problems with… something that usually makes him invincible, making him not so invincible, and making fight scenes even more awesome and interesting! You also get to see classic villains appear in not so classic ways, like Viper and the Silver Samurai, the latter of which you will likely be very confused by if you remember them from the days of comics past. Fox provided an interesting twist to this villain, but I know it’s going to piss people off anyway. Sometimes I wonder if the movie execs make decisions like these, just so that it’ll get comic fans to foam at the mouth and talk about it with other people, thus increasing discussion about it. Suddenly seems like a decent marketing strategy, no?

When it comes to the great things about the movie, I have to kind of stop there though. Sorry, but it’s still not… THAT great of a movie. It’s just okay… Again… Don’t get me wrong, it beats the pants (and shirt, and shoes…) off of Origins: Wolverine, but there’s not much more to it than that. There’s not as much butchering of classic mutants (like yours truly!!! That was my first movie review for those who have been following the Pool from the start!!! +50 cool points if you’ve been reading since then!), and it did more right than wrong, but… I don’t know. That’s still about it for me. It was competent.

The movie also happened to have an awesome mid-credits sequence that makes the whole film worth seeing even if you flat-out hate the rest of it and disagree with me (in which case, I grr in your general direction… grrrr…). Personally, I’d kind of like to see Fox and Sony give the movie rights of X-Men and Spider-Man back to Marvel directly. Who wouldn’t want to see big crossover events between all of those titans? I’d also like for ANYONE to make my movie already. What’s going on with that, guys? Ryan Renolds, give me something man! Anything!!! *sobs*

… Wait, who’s supposed to be putting out my movie again? It’s FOX!??? Umm… Did I mention how I’d love for Fox to get the movie rights to everything ever!??? (Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap >_>; )

7 Adamantium Claws Out Of 10

It’s cool, Fox. That screw up of my character in Origins: Wolverine? No big! We can totally put that past us! Did I also mention I love your news channel?... Okay, even I can’t pretend that one is true…

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Deadpool's Gargantuan Movie Review of Pacific Rim (2013)

“YOU dig giant robots!
I dig giant robots!
WE dig giant robots!
CHICKS dig giant robots!


Oh yeah, Pacific Rim is here baby! While all of those other boring losers go and watch Grown Ups 2 (DON’T LIE! I saw that it beat this at the box office for some ungodly reason!), you people all know better. You know the true fun of summer movies is all in the action! You know that this is a film involving giant robots, fighting giant monsters, with a budget higher than any paycheck I will ever see in my lifetime. You also know it was directed by Guillermo del Toro, who gave us a billion other already awesome works! Honestly, it was a win before you even saw the damn thing, people!

Okay, so the movie isn’t perfect per se, but it’s still pretty freaking good, and a great step for films of this genre in the US. What is that genre you ask? It’s a mix of what’s known as kaiju (a Japanese word that translates to “strange creature,” though it’s used to classify giant monsters like Godzilla) and tokusatsu (Japanese word translating to “special effects,” mainly used to describe shows like Power Rangers/Super Sentai and Kamen Rider)… And to the people that haven’t left yet, congratulations! You either have no life, or are curious enough to delve into what the hell I’m talking about more! (Oh you swell little people, you!)

Del Toro more or less wrote this movie as a love letter to all of the confusing, but informative stuff I wrote about in that paragraph above (thanks Wikipedia! Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention that part… I mean, I knew this stuff on my own! I was just double checking!!! Japanese words are hard! >_> ). There are all kinds of references to other giant robot and monster films of the past, even with a hint of classic anime thrown in for good measure. I could write a book about all the little Easter Eggs they threw in there, but I have an audience to keep… Assuming I didn’t lose everyone with the kaiju paragraph. You still with me? WAKE UP YOU! *slap*

The plot is simple enough overall. In the future, the Earth is attacked by (what they actually CALL) kaijus, and humanity develops giant robots called Gundam-ah, I mean Jaegers! These bad boys are about equal in size, and designed to combat the kaiju. There’s a twist to piloting these babies, however. They have to have two pilots per Jaeger, and those pilots need to be linked… in the brains! If you have a bad link, you’ll get your ass kicked faster than you can say “It’s GODZILLAAAA!” This becomes especially interesting in terms of character development, as the pilots literally learn everything about each other upon linking. I’d say this makes flashback scenes go by faster, but… I’d be lying. Perhaps if we could somehow link with the actor’s minds… Oh yes, NOW we’re on to something! I could link with Ryan Reynolds and find out how many women he conned into bed with false promises. He’d be the right actor for my movie because then we’d truly become one mind!

Going any farther into it would give away too many plot points, but know that the movie becomes a fine mix between completely cheesy and completely serious, once again similar to many anime/toku shows of its type. And the whole thing leaves a lot of potential open. I have a lot of friends who were disappointed that there wasn’t more to the film, and weren’t expecting a sequel to come either… More on that later.

The music and scenery of the movie are perfectly fitting. Nothing too stand-out-ish, but definitely some well-made orchestral pieces to get the kaiju blood pumping. The effects are surprisingly great for a movie of this type. I think one of the reasons this movie is doing so well in Japan (besides the fact that this movie is once again a love letter to their concepts), is the amazing level of CGI effects that went into the film, and more importantly, that they didn’t detract from the decent story itself.

You’ve got all the necessary acting types in the film. The main protagonist who is generally silent, but obedient and knows how to crack a joke or two, the female partner, who is also silent, but mainly because of some traumatizing childhood experience who learns to grow with the protagonist, the “no BS” commander who gives all the orders and expects you to be as depressing as them for some reason, the rival character who acts like the main character is a wash-out, an over-the-top scientist and kaiju fanboy, and even your local parts dealer who looks so ridiculous, using words to describe his ridiculousness would not do the man justice. Basically, there are no duds in this group, and that’s a win!

Just about the only complaint I could really muster for this film is that there’s simply not enough of it! They were hinting at some interesting new developments in the second half, and it seemed like they just kind of dropped them because they were probably running out of time to get into it all. The good news is Del Toro already confirmed a sequel, and he’s already kind of pseudo–confirmed that some of those very developments hinted at will make their way into it! I won’t go into specifics, but let’s just say if the name Evangelion means anything to you, you have my permission to cream your pants… and then get new ones, because eww…

SOOOO, to sum it all up: We have amazing fight scenes, amazing effects, an excellent soundtrack, a story that’s surprisingly good for a movie of this type, and actors that got the job done; all with the flaw of there not being nearly enough of it! Oh, there’s also the possibility that some may not “get” this film, because the line between serious and silly gets crossed a lot, and if you’re not familiar with the way the Japanese do this kind of programming, it may throw you off a bit. To those people, I suggest every Godzilla movie ever, and a chill pill for good measure. What? No, I can’t actually give you a chill pill. Those little things are expensive these days, man!

As long as you’re not looking for something super deep (at least for now… Seeeeequellllll…), and want to watch a FUN movie with FUN fight scenes, then jump on the bandwagon and stop giving your ticket money to something less deserving!... Unless it’s Despicable Me 2; that actually looks hilarious…

8 Sliced-Up Kaijus Out of 10

See this and support more Kaiju/Tokusatsu films in the US of A! Also, by all means, stick this movie in the face of every Transformers fan you know. It’s a crap-ton better than all three of those movies put together. ACTUAL plot goes a long way bitches! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some action figures to go play with! *pew pew pew* *Reaaaaaaaagh!* *pew pew pew*

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Deadpool PROUDLY Reviews The Deadpool Game!!! (PS3/360 Game Review)

You can all finally step off the hype-train and GET ON THE BUUUUS! It’s time for Deadpool’s superextraspecialextravaganza game review! Get ready to laugh, cry, and feel all of those other sexy emotions while we blow your freaking head off with top-notch gameplay and that “DAFUQ DID I JUST WATCH!?” mentality that makes me such a hit with the kiddies (hahaha, seriously never let your kid near me. I bite… Chomp chomp. ;) ). THE DEAPOOL GAME IS FREAKING HERE BITCHES!!! You can now commence to bowing down before yours truly as the game is and always has been all about ME! Are the confines of your own life bringing you down because you can never be quite as awesome as me? Then step into my shoes for a day and see what you’re REALLY missing out on! I do it all, baby! Guns? Check. Unnecessary, but hilarious bathroom humor? Double check. Lots of physics-breaking action? Oh ho ho yeah, we’ve got that. Hot women that I have no business being around?... Thankfully, YES, we do have that too! Awesome! And all of that fourth-wall breaking that you imaginative types crave? Yeah… I guess we have a ton of that!!!

The only thing that may be a bit off to a few people is the fact that they’re using the Deadpool from Daniel Way’s run on the comic (also known as WayPool on the internet, by no-life crotch pheasants who like to poke fun at the random comedy style), as opposed to the likes of classic writers such as Joe Kelly and Gail Simone. Honestly, I like different things about all of these writers (especially Mr. Kelly… Call me babe???). The latter two writers gave a bit of a method to my madness, and even tried to sympathize with me and my lifestyle, bless their little writer souls. Daniel Way made me a bit more psychotic and random, even putting multiple personalities in my head. Well, that’s the formula that carries over here, so DEAL WITH IT. Complaining? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Honestly, why are you even reading this!? What more do you need to know!? I kick ass in it, it’s funny as balls, and you’re going to leave it smiling like a doofus, because that’s just how I leave you people off. In fact, screw this! I’m going to get a beer. Hey, Justin! Slave boy! Read off the rest of this paper for me. It covers all the other main points you need to get through. I’ll be back with the booze, so that I can drink it in front of you and we can poke fun at the fact that you’re a diabetic. HAHA, he can’t drink regular soda!

… Ugh, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, let’s just get this over with… Okay, let’s see… Deadpool is so… hot? Every time I see him, I get really jealous and only wish that my package could be… even close to an iota of a fraction of the same size?... I once had a fantasy where me and Deadpool… GAH, forget this!!! Honestly, people, the game is admittedly funny, but it’s no game of the year. In fact, as a game it’s actually pretty… average? You get a combo system that improves as you upgrade with points you get for killing bad guys, which helps things a little, but the gameplay never reaches any heights that you’d see in games of a higher caliber. The story is completely incomprehensible, because even Deadpool admits it’s kind of being created as they go. He’s also kind of a sexist douche…

Hey! What are you doing in there Justin!? I thought I told you to read off that sheet of paper! Did you even get to the part where you had that fantasy about me…?

GAH, that didn’t happen, and for the record, that’s disgusting as hell! Jeez… I was just telling them the truth about your game…

The truth!? You people want the TRUTH!? You bitches can’t handle the truth about my game!!! It’s got everything to keep me and fans of my hotness satisfied! What more could you want!?

Some replayability would have been nice for starters. After you finish the campaign, that’s pretty much it. There’s not much in the way of extras and the fighting was just okay at best. The only parts that were fresh were the little inside jokes that would change up the gameplay for five seconds. Otherwise, it was just… the same. Meh. It’s just average hack and slash/shooter mechanics with average boss fights…

You traitor! I look awesome kicking ass with my swords and guns! All that dismemberment and funny story is good enough for these lowlifes! Exclamation mark secret jutsu attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!! … Ow! Knock it off with those! This isn’t going to cater to every gamer out there. They’re a demanding bunch. Yeah, it was great that you got Nolan North to be your voice actor since he seems to get all of the best characters, and you definitely hit the right notes on all of the humor (especially for the internet crowd of today). Some may even want to replay it again for all the great humor and Marvel cameos, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I don’t know if I could play this off as anything more than a renta…

DON’T SAY IT! Don’t you DARE f@#cking say it! Say it, and I’ll tell them about that time you laughed so hard, Yoo-Hoo came out of your nose when you were in 5th grade! Or when you used to listen to Simple Plan for that five minute period!

Whoa now, let’s not go that far… Wait, how do you even KNOW these things!?

Aha! Got you distracted! Close bracket attack!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>> … Ouch! Jeez, why do I even work with you!? Look, the game really deserves a 6…

It deserves a 10!! No, an 11!!!

I created you… I can take you away… I’ll counter your close bracket with my open bracket!!!


Oh HELL naw!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Stop shouting sound effects!


… So, what do you say we just agree on a 7?

… Okay, deal… But I still get the beer…

Fine, I don’t care!

7 Crafty Little Fourth Wall-Breaking Puns Out Of 10

So seriously, no hard feelings, right?

Uhh… I guess not?

Good! Because I’m not paying you to sit around and mope, bitch! Back to your station!!

*sigh* Can we finally review “The Last of Us” next? I’ve been dying to finish that already…

Not until you update that PS3!!! I already told you the new update doesn’t brick your console anymore! And change that background theme already! Uncharted 3 was SO 2011!!!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Deadpool's Beefy Review Of Man Of Steel (2013) (Mostly Spoiler-Free. Nothing Major Though! Promise!)

The summer blockbusters continue to roll out faster than Vin Diesel on nitrous oxide, and we’re caught right in the butt of things as June finishes up. Although it seemed like the wait lasted forever, Man of Steel is at last upon us, and we can stop speculating about how awesome it is and simply TALK about how awesome it is now! Or can we? Read on to find out if I really meant what I just said there. (See that? That’s how I grab you. That’s called “TAKING” the reader!)

In today’s day and age, nobody at DC wants their heroes bouncy and happy if the Dark Knight trilogy will tell you anything. No; people want their heroes’ dark and brooding, with their nails painted black, and My Chemical Romance posters on their walls (… Remind me of what it is I see in the human race again???). Well, this is finally it. That dark-toned Superman movie you’ve always wondered about is really here. That can come at a bit of a price though, and admittedly it does in some areas, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s examine it for what it simply is… another fracking reboot! Unlike Amazing Spider-Man however, I think a lot of people actually WANTED a reboot of Superman after that last dud. It had potential, but it did not prevent the dud that was. Dud-dee-dud-dud-dud.

The origin story of young Kal-El (Superman for you “I don’t give a crap about your comics, you nerd!” folk. I know you’re out there…) is for the most part on par with what you’ve seen and heard in the past, whether you’re a comic junkie, a casual fan who’s watched the cheeeeeeeeeeeeezy previous movies, or some weird unholy fusion of the two, which is probably also ugly. Russell Crowe plays Jor-El (father of Le Supes), acting in a surprisingly bad-ass manor while trying to protect Clark/Superman/Kal-El/Idontcarewhatyoupick/lol from the stereotypically evil General Zodd. As we all know (but I’ll state again for those “cool” kids who are too proud to admit they don’t), Clark gets sent away in an escape pod while their home planet of Krypton is eventually left in ruins. Clark makes his life on Earth with the parental guidance of Jonathan and Martha Kent, teaching him how not to destroy the planet like a good Saiyan…, ah, I mean Kryptonian… Dragon Ball has no similarities to this… Why ever did I do that…? >>

We see a younger side of Clark, who gets picked on and bullied quite a bit, even though he could rip all the kids’ arms off without batting an eye-lash. In another interesting scene, we see a completely ridiculous bus accident, where the bus falls into a large body of water, and Clark of course comes to everyone’s rescue. Jonathan Kent actually tries to act like this is a bad thing because Clark risked others figuring out that he had special powers… Let me repeat that. Jonathan Kent SCOULDED his adopted song for saving over a DOZEN lives from drowning while trapped inside of a bus because someone “might” have discovered him. I just… Yeah, I’ve got nothing on that one. You’re a SICK man Pa Kent. SICK!!! Remind me never to ask YOU for any favors!

I should probably touch on Henry Cavill now (the guy who actually PLAYS Superman, ajhfdjhkjasfnjkhdf!). The guy knows his way around this part, and happens to play it very well. He even bore some resemblance to Christopher Reeve himself, with that ridiculously chiseled jaw, and unnaturally fit shape that all the guys look at and wonder how the hell he did it. Disturbing tweets from the fangirls aside, he really does a great job with the part. Lois is played by Amy Adams. She does her part well overall too, but there were some moments of social awkwardness that made me think she was just taken right from the world of her movie, Enchanted, and was still learning how to be a normal person instead of a singing cartoon character. She could have broken out into song for no reason and I wouldn’t have even thought it to be out of character. Srsly.

There’s also a great bit of juicy controversy regarding one of the final scenes of the film. Before I get to all of that and its juicy juice-ness, I’d like to go into the action itself. There are explosions, lots of explosions. MANY, MANY explosions! It’s not something like in the case of Transformers, where you’ll wonder if there’s anything else to the movie at all, but it is to be noted that Michael Bay probably had a boner after watching this one. I heard some complaints from others that the film was all mindless action/had no real plot/thought “This is not my Superman”/wonder “why can’t I ever get a date”/etc. I actually completely disagree with all of that. I think the action didn’t really come into the film until after the third quarter or so, where it was definitely like watching two flying Hulks going at it. However, everything before this was pretty much all story, with a few small exceptions. I don’t know where people got the notion that the entire film is nothing but action. Quantum of Solace was nothing but action. This was relatively small compared to that chase-scene extravaganza.

Now to the controversial bits you people won’t shut up about. One is that this film has little to no humor in it whatsoever. That’s a scary thing when it comes to the Superman mythos, and I admit, it bothered me a bit. I don’t mind Supes making a wisecrack once in a while, and that kind of character really took a step to the side here. The other (and the one I know I’ll hear the most bitching), is a decision Clark makes right around the end during the final fight scene. I won’t say what he did, but… wow, I did NOT see that one coming. M. Night Shyamalan could learn from this kind of twist. Now again, since I refuse to spoil this bit for anyone, I really can’t say what Superman did here, but know that it was probably not something you saw coming. I certainly didn’t. Hell, everyone in the whole theater got silent, even that annoying-ass little kid that wouldn’t stop whining. On that note, why the hell was a little kid in there? If a movie has Christopher Nolan’s name across it, you should NOT bring a child near there, unless you want to create another me… And I’ll let that action speak for itself. Look how well I turned out kids!! The burns still haven’t gone away!!! *thumbs up*

All in all, when you put it together, this is actually a pretty good film for what it’s worth, and easily one of the best Superman films ever made by default. I feel like there are many Christopher Reeve fanboys/fangirls that will write off Henry Cavill and not give him the credit he deserves for pulling off this part. But I think he was a perfect choice for this new reboot and I’m actually excited to see where they’ll go with things next (Oh, did I mention a sequel is already confirmed? Well… It IS! YEAAAH!). The pacing of the film was a little jumbly (due to the shifting between flashbacks and current scenes), and the lack of any and almost all emotion was kind of a downer. I also found it quite odd/hilarious that Superman was causing just as much destruction as the villains by the later parts of the film. He apparently cares though… *shrug* Also, did anyone else think that Russell Crowe must have somehow paid the studio to keep him in the film longer? Every time it seemed like we were done with him, he found another way to reach out to us and "teach us" once again! I guess no one ever really stays dead in comic stories, hehehe. But I STILL think the film is more than worth seeing, even despite all of that! Go watch and form your own opinion. Go ahead. I'll still be here.

7 shards of kryptonite out of 10

If only I had those kinds of abilities. Flight, super strength, heat vision… Oh, the bitches I’d get with that. Bitches love the super strength.

- Credit for this awesome picture goes to Vulture34

Friday, June 14, 2013

Ask Deadpool: Vol.1 (Let's Make Some History, Shall We!?)

Welcome to the first edition of “Ask Deadpool,” which is sure to become a collector’s item in the future! Please hold all applause until after the presentation is complete. With that said, let's crack this baby open!

Q: How do you feel about your place within the future of the Kingdom Hearts universe? – Thomas A.

A: As if screaming like a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t enough after discovering that Kingdom Hearts III is in fact a real thing; but then remembering that I may even get be a part of it next time!? Oh Sora, when I’m done with your game, it will no longer have a ‘T’ rating. This is my guarantee!

Q: Dear Deadpool, why aren’t you in Super Smash Bros. yet? – Stefan S.

A: I can assure you the ONLY reason for this is because I have not yet taken control of Nintendo headquarters. I’ve been spending all my recent time trying to take over Capcom first instead. The way I see it, Mega Man Legends 3 takes priority, and at this point, I believe Capcom has demonstrated that the only way we’ll ever get this game is through brutal violence and dismemberment… Same result for a better Resident Evil, AMIRITEFLKS!!1? ^_^

Q: Dear Deadpool,
Why is a raven like a writing desk? – Nina C.


Q: Dear Deadpool, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? – Lucas D.

A: No thanks to that damn owl (!!!), I was able to determine that the result is actually going to be different for pretty much every person you do it with. For example, if you are a small animal, it will probably take over 1000 licks. If you are Gene Simmons, it will probably take about 5. The more you know…

Q: Dear Deadpool, why don’t you have an arch enemy named Livesnooker? – Dan H.

A: I’m going to answer that question with another question. Why are you NOT a current writer for Marvel!? Not only would that be an awesome anti-me, but we could probably make all kinds of stupid sports puns that would fly over people’s heads! You are definitely on to something good sir.

Q: Would you make a contract with me and become a magical girl? ^_^ - Kyubey

A: Well, normally I’d say no…, but your face seems trusting enough, so…

Q: To whom it may concern: If Timmy has 2 apples and Suzy has 3 apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? – Chad M.

A: The truth is, Timmy is actually fat as hell, and won’t rest until he has consumed all of his and Suzy’s apples, as well as everything in sight. Suzy sees Timmy in the distance and remembers “the incident.” One night, her parents mysteriously went missing, and the only thing the police found were some human bones that were confirmed to have been gnawed on. She knows that the end is nigh… The apples were merely a stepping stone for the main course… planet Earth!

And I thought I'd leave you all off with this little number...

Q: So Deadpool, what or who would you compare Microsoft’s Xbox One to? – Sam S.

A: Have you ever had an ex who was so creepy, that they still follow you around all the time? They act like they have no idea why you broke up with them in the first place (spying on you all the time, cleaning out your wallet just so you can do anything with them), insist on getting back together despite refusing to change their ways, and treat you like a jerk for even considering moving on to someone else that will actually treat you much better. They say “What’s so great about them, when I’m right around the corner?” And then when you once again remind them of the reasons why you’re never getting back with their stalker-ass, they start getting more spiteful and even try to make you pay them for the most mundane of things, like the resources they used to stalk you with in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

And there you have it folks! The first volume is under our belts and we can happily look forward to more as long as you keep supplying the awesome questions! Let's continue to rock this casbah!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Deadpool's Lens Flare-Free Review of Star Trek: Into Darkness (Spoiler Free Too! Yay!!!)

Welcome back folks! The summer “blockbuster” season is just starting to really get on its hind legs, and I’m just happy I don’t have to keep wearing ugly coats outside anymore! Seriously guys… They were so ugly… *sob*

But alas, I return to you all with great joy! The Star Trek reboot that J.J. Abrams cast upon us has finally returned to mark its territory. One of the things that made the first film so great was that it catered to both original fans AND people who didn’t know a damn thing about Star Trek from the beginning. It wasn’t perfect (as any long internet nerd-rant can already tell you… OMGZ!!! LENS FLARE!!!1!1!), and there were some plot holes and inconsistencies with the classic story that have other people up in arms. Personally? I just look at the film as its own separate thing and not as something really meant to be put next to the shows and films of the past. You hear that whiners? It doesn’t matter! There now, say it with me. Doesn’t that feel better? Maybe someday, I can teach you to talk to women too. No, not just the green women, gah! Without further delay (and fear of that escalating into far more disturbing conversations!!!), here’s my review of Star Trek: Into Lens Flare.

All of the major actors you loved/cursed at are back to make you love/curse at them all over again. Like the first film, this one takes a couple of loose threads from the old Star Trek stories and manages to turn the plot upside on its head. Saying it’s better or worse than the first film is actually difficult to do. They both go very well together and are both great films for all kinds of different reasons. It’s also a little strange. Even though this movie is much more dramatic than the first, it’s also got more “funny” moments than probably any in the entire line of Star Trek films to (star)date! A lot of them usually involved Spock’s social awkwardness, Kirk’s “lolimsogreat” lines, and of course Scotty, who needs no description; just applause. Long. Hard. Applause. We also got some awesome new performances from Alice Eve as Carol (who will likely be remembered for one scene in her underwear and NOTHING ELSE), and Benedict Cumberbatch as… John Harrison. I won’t give away his real role in the movie, but I will say this: Seeing Sherlock beat the living shit out of everyone and everything in his path was awesome, and he really played one scary mo-fo to boot! Once his true name and intentions become clear, you will be glued to the screen, and no amount of Goo Gone is going to be able to fix that.

The action is almost non-stop this time around, which some are either going to love or hate. This is not your father’s Star Trek; that much is certain. This is the newer, sleeker, Hollywood-y (haha… penis…) version, and that can come at a price sometimes. The film did try to take some obvious cues from another classic Star Trek film, but most of its overall uses felt pointless, outside of one scene involving Spock and the mysterious Mr. Harrison which was so cool, I almost didn’t even write this sentence until I remembered the rest of the movie wasn’t quite as cool. Seriously, dat climax scene. AWW! YEAH!

One more issue to address (since I made a cheap joke about it before) is the lens flare. Obviously, it was pretty ridiculous in the first film, to the point where everyone makes jokes about it now (and believe me, I will probably never stop, myself). This time? It’s still there, but it’s not nearly as obnoxious as it once was. No worries though. Anyone who wants to keep making jokes is free to do so, as you do still have plenty of material to work with. I’m not sure if anyone making the films actually thought this would be cool, but… Dammit J.J. Abrams, I’m a Deadpool, not a dentist patient! Get that light out of my face!

Whether you like this film or not will probably be determined by a few basic things. If you liked the first film, wanted to see more acting and stories in that style, are okay with the jokes being a little more over-abundant this time around, despite the film itself being darker, AND are overall forgiving of the things they continue to change about original Star Trek lore, then you’ll probably fall in love with this. Hollywood-y or not (… penis), this is still an excellent film and a great reminder of what made the “summer blockbusters” such a big deal in the first place. Oh, and happy to say it won’t try to insult your intelligence or anything either. No talking down to from the cast (except for Harrison, who will make you cry like a little girl and beg for mercy, which he will provide…, until you realize it was a trick and he kills you!).

This movie is just as good as the first, maybe a little better, maybe a little worse; but it’s still all kinds of awesome! Happy to say that not everything that Hollywood (………… ………………… ………………………… …… ………… ………… penis) touches turns to crap, and that this is a shining example of how it can still be done right for the most part.

9 Captain’s Logs Out Of 10

I’m going to go ahead and say it… I’m OKAY with him directing the next three Star Wars movies! Not EXCITED about it, but OKAY with it. There, I said it. I need to go lie down now… LENS FLARE!!!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Deadpool's Super-Charged Review Of Iron Man 3 (Yes, it's spoiler-free... STOP ASKING!)

I never thought we’d get to this point, but the warm(er) weather is finally upon us! And with that warmer weather comes movies; action movies. Action movies with explosions! Cue Iron Man 3, the long-awaited sequel to the kind-of-disappointing previous entry in the series.

The movie takes place after the Avengers film, which would usually set us up for disappointment after the awesomeness that was the freaking Avengers film, BUT lo and behold; this was actually pretty kick-ass too! You just have to read this to understand why (HA, I’ve locked you in now! You can’t escape bitches! ... Hey, hey, don’t run away! I was kidding!!! Damn American kids and your sensitivity. In my day, we had those parts cybernetically removed! Grow an artificial pair why don’tcha!?).

So by this point in the story, Tony Stark (played by the “sexy in a totally plutonic way” Robert Downey Jr.) is pretty shook up from the last movie; so much so, that he begins having panic attacks. As a result of this, he builds more and more Iron Man suits, because hard labor makes perfect sense when you’re having panic attacks (and again, I feel this is a good time to discuss those cybernetic enhancements I was raving about in the last paragraph. Takes the pain away, kids! *thumbs up*). Pepper Potts is however gettin’ real tired of Tony’s s@#t, and starts to grow more and more distant from him, which is funny because it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s like twice his height. (Seriously, look at how she’s barefoot in every scene with him while he’s wearing high-heeled shoes and STILL looks shorter! Go ahead and look; I’ll wait… You see it now? Wasn’t that freaking hilarious!? Haha, he can’t reach her at eye-level!)

Amongst all of this estrogen-fueled chaos, a new terrorist villain emerges called The Mandarin, who starts attacking different parts of the US and making videos about how he’s going to keep doing more of it. This doesn’t sound familiar to any attacks on the US in any way shape or form either… None… Also, I am a flying pig who farts out rainbows. True story. Anyhow, this doesn’t actually matter to Tony at all, until a security guard named Happy Hogan becomes a victim of one of the attacks. This character was never really a big deal in the movies, but for some reason, this sparked Tony to go bats@#t insane and threaten The Mandarin, giving him his personal house address. Mandarin takes that challenge, and all hell breaks loose.

This film is quite different from the previous Iron Man movies. I assume that new director Shane Black is the biggest reason for this. Instead of having a boatload of crazy action like the other movies, this one focuses more on story, development, and feels that will probably make you uncomfortable (Seriously though? Those cybernetic enhancements?). And you know what? I think that’s a great thing. Sure, call me crazy (and you should; I’m f@#king nuts), but this movie actually did well by focusing on its plot more. We finally got to start taking Tony and Pepper’s character more seriously, as well as many other characters in this film. James Rhodes and the Iron Patriot armor are excellent, but anyone who’s actually a fan of the Iron Patriot armor knows that’s not how it came to be, and it’s not nearly as epic as when Norman Osborne donned it with the Dark Avengers. But what do you care? You’ve never read that and probably just rolled your eyes at me. You think I didn’t see it? I’ve seen things you could probably arrest me for if you knew about it. Haha, yeah. Think about that before you go to sleep... ;)

Unfortunately, there’s not much more I can say about the movie without giving away srsly srs spoilers. Just know that it’s good; really really good. As long as you actually appreciate a good story, and are willing to deal with a little less action this time around, I think you’ll be really happy. Some of the pacing was a little slow, but I rarely got bored. It takes the plot of “Middle-Eastern terrorist attacks the US” and turns it so hard on its ass; you’ll start to wonder if there are some things your country’s media isn’t telling you about the world… lolz, couldn’t say all of that with a straight face. ^_^

9 sets of Iron Man armor out of 10

Joss Whedon (director of the Avengers film, along with the criminally under-appreciated series, Firefly) actually said he doesn’t know how he’s going to make a sequel after watching this film. Without giving anything away, I can understand where the poor guy is coming from. With that said, I openly invite Mr. Whedon to direct my movie instead. I can’t provide you all of the millions that Avengers banked you, but I CAN provide plenty of chimichangas, as well as my skills after the zombie apocalypse takes place. You may laugh at this request now, but this is no laughing matter. Besides, I’ve already stolen the blueprints of Tony’s old armor sets and tweaked it to my OWN specifications… Oh yes, that’ll do nicely…

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Bioshock Infinite's Ending: A Discussion

(While I don’t think it needs to be said, I’m going to say it anyway: If you have not completed Bioshock Infinite yet, or do not want anything about the game spoiled for you in any way, then turn back right now!)

I think the best place to begin describing all I can about the events that unfold in Bioshock Infinite’s ending, would be to start with Booker DeWitt’s pursuit of Elizabeth, right after she gets captured by Songbird. Some of the stranger events of the game begin to unravel from this point moving forward. It was already interesting to see the effects of Elizabeth finding tears in the time/space continuum, but we didn’t really understand any significance of it up to this point. When Booker finally raids Father Zachary Hale Comstock’s mansion (where Elizabeth is being held), he discovers an Elizabeth from the future, who has apparently been tortured for years, due to the Songbird always failing Booker’s attempts at rescuing her. You see shots of city buildings (also from this future) being fired down upon by zeppelins in a wave of destruction. Elizabeth then advises that years of brainwashing have caused her to develop Comstock’s mentality and overall cause. Comstock’s entire goal was to make Elizabeth become an heir of his, after he took her on as his adoptive daughter. Elizabeth gives Booker a piece of paper with instructions on how to control Songbird. She then asks him to prevent this future from ever happening.

After returning to the present, Booker rescues Elizabeth, and they make their way to finally confront Comstock at the top of his zeppelin. As Elizabeth and Comstock begin to talk, he suddenly turns to Booker and asks him to tell Elizabeth why part of her finger is missing. This actually wasn’t brought up much at all until this point in the game; you simply got a glimpse of Elizabeth’s pinky finger with a thimble over it earlier on, and that was it. Booker claimed he had no idea what Comstock was talking about, and eventually became so enraged that he drowned him. Booker continues to say that he has no idea what Comstock was talking about. Elizabeth proceeds to making an enigmatic comment, along the lines of implying he does know, but can’t remember at the same time.

After a large amount of fighting on top of the airship (now with the aid of Songbird, thanks to the sheet of paper that future Elizabeth gave Booker), the two make their way to the Siphon. They order Songbird to destroy it, in order to take off Elizabeth’s remaining limitations, and search for the truth about… well, everything. Booker orders Songbird to destroy the Siphon, which also destroys the instrument he was using to control Songbird with. As Songbird is about to attack them both, Elizabeth opens up another tear, bringing them inside a building, while Songbird is trapped outside underwater, and eventually dies of the air pressure.

If you didn’t already figure it out, the two are now in Rapture, the underwater city from the first two Bioshock games. They slowly approach the surface while Elizabeth explains that she now sees this is simply one of many realities and possibilities. This is talked about further as they enter through other doorways and begin to see other versions of themselves. Elizabeth continues to say that each reality that they see are part of an infinite number of realities they can enter based on choices made in life.

The two eventually come to a door to Booker’s past, and we finally get to learn the real meaning behind the sentence that’s been haunting and confusing us from the beginning “Give us the girl and wipe away the debt.” Robert Lutece comes back into the picture once again, uttering this sentence to Booker in his apartment. We now see that this sentence is actually Robert asking Booker to give up a baby girl (Anna DeWitt) in order to repay some type of debt (which is never explained, though horse race ticket stubs around the desk in his apartment suggest it was gambling). He is of course reluctant to do this, but eventually gives in. He almost immediately changes his mind, however, and goes after Robert. In an alleyway, he finds Robert, Rosalind, and Comstock (who is now holding Anna in his arms). Booker attempts to stop him, but Comstock and the others begin to escape through a tear themselves. Booker almost manages to pull Anna away from Comstock, but falls short as the tear closes, and severs a part of Anna’s finger. If it wasn’t clear by this point, Anna and Elizabeth are one in the same. Comstock took Anna and adopted her as his daughter, Elizabeth. The fact that Elizabeth’s finger was severed is implied to be the reason she is able to create and open these tears in the fabric of time, as her severed finger was a sign that she was a part of two worlds instead of just one by that point. This also finally explains why Booker had the initials “AD” carved into his hand, and why Comstock created “false prophet” propaganda in his own world. He was preparing for the day that Booker would once again try to take back what was his.

By this point, we are told that Robert was angry at the way Comstock treated Elizabeth, and worked with Rosalind to get Booker into to the world that Comstock took her to, all so Booker could rescue her. This moment changed a lot of the game’s perspective for me, because I immediately remembered all of the instances in the game where you would see both Robert and Rosalind talking to each other in very odd and cryptic ways, all from when they first brought you in on the boat during the game’s introduction. The biggest stand-out moment was easily when they asked Booker to flip a coin early on, with a chart to show how many counts of heads and tails were made. The game hinted that this was not the first time Robert and Rosalind had sent a Booker in to get Elizabeth back. The number of times the coin was flipped on their chart was the biggest giveaway to this notion, implying they were all flipped by other Bookers of different realities.

Following these events, it is now revealed that the reason all of the Bookers of the past were unsuccessful is because no matter what Booker does to Comstock, he will continue to exist in other realities. Booker then makes the determination that in order to finally stop Comstock once and for all, he has stop Comstock from ever being born. Elizabeth remains silent after hearing Booker propose this, and simply follows him. We visited a memory of Booker’s where he went to be baptized after the murders he committed during the Battle of Wounded Knee. Just before the baptism, Booker backed out at the last second. In another reality, however, Booker accepted the baptism. After this, he found religion, and as probably the biggest shocker in the entire game, became Comstock. Comstock had become sterile after being over-exposed to the Lucete technology that we’ve seen in various uses throughout the floating city of Columbia. He decided that he wanted an heir related by blood, and chose to abduct Anna from Booker’s world.

After witnessing the baptism in Comstock’s reality, Booker is now made clear of what he has to do. Different versions of Elizabeth all come to this same spot to help Booker carry out his mission. In order to prevent Comstock’s reign from ever occurring, he allows the Elizabeth’s to drown him. After this occurs, the other Elizabeth’s all fade away one by one, leaving the original, of whom the screen fades to black on, right before the credits roll.

Post-credits, we are given one final scene. Booker is back in his apartment once more, and cries out to Anna in the other room. He opens the door to see if she is there, and everything is back to normal. Just as the door opens, the screen fades to black once again.

I think some people believed that the drowning scene meant that Booker supposedly killed himself and everyone around him, but the scene after the credits pointed out that this was not the case. It was simply the Booker of the reality where he became Comstock, being put to an end. This also now implied that the Elizabeth that you traveled the entire game with never existed, now that all traces of Comstock were eliminated. We were also shown that while Booker could relive any of the moments in his life they were coming across through the doorways; these events could not actually be changed despite. Booker would have likely gone back and never given Anna away again if this were the case. This made me confused about how Elizabeth was still able to drown Booker, but then I went back and noticed that when she and Booker were visiting other past memories, they were still able to interact with each other, despite everything else still moving in its proper motion. This sort of explains how she was able to intervene in this particular case, since they had been doing so from the start.

Starting the game after knowing all of this, I guarantee you’ll immediately start seeing other things you didn’t before. The whole starting sequence about climbing to the top of the lighthouse, for example, was in Booker’s head up until the point where he recovered from allegedly drowning early on. You also will immediately notice Robert and Rosalind carrying you to the lighthouse by boat. In the beginning, you probably didn’t think twice about them or if they had any relevance. The dead man that Booker found in the beginning with the “Do not disappoint us” note, was likely from either Robert, Rosalind, or maybe even Booker himself, from one of the other attempts on saving Elizabeth in the past. I also heard somewhere that the 1-2-2 sequence of the bell ringing in this scene was supposed to represent the number of times Booker attempted this in the past.

I have to say, I’m still trying to piece everything together, even now. There are so many details about the game that I’m sure I haven’t yet realized, and so many I have theories about, but also can’t confirm. One of the first thoughts that came to mind (especially after seeing Elizabeth and Rapture once again), was the fact that Elizabeth looks a lot like the Little Sisters from the first game. I believe if I were to go back to the first Bioshock game and compare it with this new entry, I would find a bunch of similar qualities. What if Jack (the main character in the first game) was another version of Booker, and Comstock was Andrew Ryan (the first game’s antagonist)? After Elizabeth revealing the secrets of the space/time continuum and the lighthouse portals, anything seems possible!

One thing that definitely confused me then (and still does even now), is why these vigors (the powers you use in the game) are sold and advertised constantly throughout the game; and yet it seems Booker is the only one to take advantage of them the entire time. It also seems a little less believable that we’d see ammunition sold (and placed in garbage cans, alongside money and other random things), in almost every vending machine in the city. Once again, the citizens of Columbia do not appear to get any usage out of these items, despite them being scattered all throughout. But it didn’t really take away from the experience, so these were minor gripes of confusion at best.

One thing I felt a little off about (and I have other friends who can back me up on this), is that I felt that the world inside the game felt slightly limiting due to this being a first-person shooter. I think that if this was a third-person action adventure, we may have been able to get even more out of the story and gameplay itself. The shooter violence felt a little over-the-top and even unnecessary to me at times; feel free to disagree.

If Ken Levine were to make another Bioshock game after this, things would clearly never be the same. To put it bluntly, we now know too much about the game’s universe(s). There would have be one hell of a twist within a twist, within a twist. Though I suppose if anyone could do it at this point, it’d be Ken Levine.

And that’s about everything I had on my mind up until this point about the game’s ending and its effects on other Bioshock entries. Feel free to add on, agree, or disagree with anything I wrote up here. I’d love to keep talking about this ending, as I’m also really glad that there are still great writers out there who can make something this deep and thought-provoking possible in the first place.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Deadpool's Slicey and Dicey Review of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance! (PS3/Xbox 360 Game Review)

I don’t always review games, but when I do, they’re f@#king awesome reviews! Take this new one for example. You don’t know it yet, because it’s down below here, but it’s awesome. Oh so awesome. Now, you people know me. I like to blow things up and slice everything to little pieces, because that’s just the kind of reserved intellectual that I am. Well, I’ve got a new game that has plenty of both, but mostly that slicing part! (Oh, how I do love me those slicing parts!)

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance is one of the most awkwardly titled games I’ve seen since… well, since Square Enix titled anything; period. But who cares about that? “What the heck is actually going on in this new entry?” is the question you should be asking, mainly because I doubt that I fully know myself. The game takes place after Metal Gear Solid 4, where everything should have ended, but Hideo Kojima decided “No, I still don’t want to make Zone of Enders 3 yet, so here’s another Metal Gear, because yes.” Now don’t get me wrong folks, I love me some Metal Gear! But Hideo can do other things. He really doesn’t have to keep making Metal Gear anymore. I think many were satisfied with the conclusion to 4, and didn’t expect more to come out unless it was in the form of another prequel. In fact, I heard this new one was going to take place after Metal Gear Solid 2, until that plan go scrapped; and now we have this awkward sequel where Raiden, the guy who performed some crazy-ass cyborg ninja skillz and then hung up the mantle to live a peaceful life, now returns to his crazy-ass cyborg ninja lifestyle. Once again, I couldn’t tell you the reason if I tried. It’s really not about the “why” in this case so much as the “how.” How does it play? How does it look? How does a game with a horrible camera system still get released in this day and age?

Promiscuous camera angles aside, the gameplay absolutely rocks! Imagine everything you’ve ever loved about God of War, Devil May Cry, Ninja Gaiden, and even Vanquish, and then imagine the Matrix films having its way with all of them (in a totally plutonic way!... >>). While you still run around like a madman, slashing anything in sight that you come across, you also have the ability to slow down time and literally cut in any direction you like. It will feel a little odd the first time you do it, but trust me; once you grasp the controls, it will feel like second nature, and that will feel awesome. I think the last time a game gave you this much freedom was Gravity Rush, and be honest; you don’t have a PS Vita so you have no idea what the hell I just said. The mobility is also quite nice. Is that helicopter shooting missiles at you? Then run/jump across those missiles and slice the crap out of his helicopter blades! Nanomachines, son!

The story is not as deep as the other Metal Gear games, since the focus is on all of slicey and dicey this time around (those sexy camera whores!). However, it does still contain a hell of a lot more story than most games of its type. You have access to the codec like you did in the other games, and can go through conversation after conversion about nothing and everything all at once. The cutscenes are also of reasonable length, and don’t feel too overly stretched or disappointingly short.

The soundtrack also deserves some credit here. It begins like your typical fast beats, guitar, and turntable sound effects, but you’ll quickly start to see it become a lot more once you get to the bossfights. You’ll hear the type of music I described above, but as the fight goes on, the boss’s health gauge begins to deplete, and you’ve got them down to about ¾ of it, that’s when shit gets real! Vocals suddenly come in to place, and the music gets much more prominent from there on out. It’s the perfect build up, just as you’re getting to the final rounds of the fight, and really makes the whole thing exciting as hell.

I can see this not appealing to some of the more hardcore fans of the Metal Gear franchise, simply because it’s very different from its predecessors, and that’s okay. I didn’t see a “Solid” next to that “Metal Gear” title. Did you? You sure? Really? I’ll let you check again if you want. No? Okay then. Personally, I think fans of the franchise will still find plenty to like. There are still bits of stealth (if you feel like it…, I don’t…), and even usage of the infamous cardboard box. It’s got all the ingredients of a good action game, and even a little bit more to separate it from that boring norm that we keep getting stuck with. Seriously, no more norm! It’s too mainstream!

Hipster Deadpool gives this game 8 meme jokes out of 10.

Seriously though, Kojima needs to stop making these. YES, I’ll keep playing them, but he needs to stop making them. Does that make sense? Who cares what you think!? Caring is too mainstream!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Deadpool's Fantastical Review of Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch (PS3 Game Review)

It appears we meet again fellow readers. Well, good. I was getting bored and you obviously have nothing better to do with your time either. So how about listening to me review a game that’s been all the rage lately? No, it’s not Metal Gear Rising Revengeance (YET! Emphasis on the word YET! As in still coming soon, just not YET! So stay tuned… YET!), but rather a game that I wasted almost 40 hours of my life on. That game my friends, is Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch.

Ni No Kuni is a Japanese Role Playing game or JRPG (WHAT!? They still MAKE those!? *cue the face from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” painting* I know you can picture it…) developed by Level-5; the group that gave us the kick-ass Dragon Quest VIII, Rogue Galaxy, Professor Layton series, Dark Cloud, and even a few wieners like the White Knight Chronicles series (Hey, I’m just as disappointed as you that the game was a failure. I wanted “Escaflowne: The RPG” to succeed, damn it!). This game takes a bit of a different approach from what many are used to in this genre (which is why I actually have the patience to review it with you now), trying to form a bridge-gap between ‘hardcore’ JRPG and ‘casual’ JRPG. In order to do this, they teamed up with Studio Ghibli, the genius Japanese animation studio, to make all of the game’s visuals and co-developed with Level-5 on pretty much everytang. I even heard the game got delayed multiple times just so they could make the story tug on our heart strings more. Those jerks! They know just how to get us… in the feels.

This game focuses on young boy named Oliver, who is eventually pulled from our world to enter a parallel one with magic, wizardry, and awkwardly named creatures like a sheep known as the “Baatender.” Poor Oliver loses his mother, and in his moments of grief and sadness, the doll his mother gave him (named Drippy, just cuz) comes to life, telling of wizardry and his true calling in life to enter this other world and save both of them in the process. As you can clearly see, we are dealing with some serious s@#t right here! NOTHING screams “psychotic breakdown theory” like this game’s plot. A boy just happens to escape to this fantasy realm while still trying to cope with the loss of his mother? Come on! At least when they put me away in a straight jacket, it’s because you know I legitimately went nuts, shouting “I’m Batman!” from the rooftops, while spying to to see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch… Seriously though, what the hell do they see in that crap!?

Those who know JRPGs know that it’s all about the constant combat. So how does it fare this time? Well, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. See, they tried to combine the free-form elements of the Tales series, while trying to mesh it with other elements of Pokemon. For the people who just went cross-eyed because they have no idea what the hell I just said, I’ll break it on down for ya. You and your party are able to move around anywhere on the battle plain to do attacks and spells. The battle will pause when you are selecting items from the menu, but not when you are scrolling through attacks or commands. It’s incredibly disjointed, bothersome, and all-around eww. Thankfully, you’ll like the game itself so much that you’re probably not even going to care. The game also lets you collect Pokemo- ah, I mean familiars, which you bring to battle with you. You can carry up to three familiars (pokeballs) at once per party member, with three others in your reserve. The remaining familiars get sent to Bill’s PC…, I mean storage.

So basically, imagine a 3D Pokemon game where Ash and the other trainers have the ability to fight with spells at the same time, and you’d be closer to gauging what the hell you can consider this game to be like. This isn’t as drool-worthy as it sounds though, so put your damn drool back in your damn mouth and let me finish. Your health bar for each party member is tied. If your familiar is getting weak, so is your character. If your familiar gets knocked out in battle, you are also knocked out. This can be incredibly annoying, especially when you’re trying to switch from one character to the other just to heal. One other annoyance is how some attacks will interrupt others in order to display a cutscene of that attack kicking ass. Oh, were you about to cast that healing spell on yourself? Well that’s a shame, because the boss just cast a fire spell that cancelled yours out and killed you. Joy! They give you a way to go into a defensive mode and lessen the damage you receive, but it doesn’t seem to work all the time when you command your whole party to do it, causing even more pointless deaths. Those phoenix feathers don’t come cheap, you know! Thankfully the experience is also shared, which means faster leveling. It almost compensates for the dying… Almost… *sobs*

As you travel around the world in the game, you’ll come across new spells, fables, and other interesting facts about monsters and regions to fill up your wizard’s compendium with. Unlike the Pokedex which mysteriously starts out empty… (Seriously, WTH Professor Oak!? You’re supposed to have a doctorate in freaking Pokemanz and you never registered ONE into the bloody thing!?), your wizard compendium comes chock-full of goodies right from the get go, and expands as you progress.

Your familiars can even evolve with the use of an evolution stone…, I mean with drops. (No, I’m not getting tired of making this joke. Shut up.). After they gain enough levels, they can use these drops to reach their next form. Unlike… that other game, your familiar will go back to level 1 each time that you do this, so don’t go evolving right before a boss fight, because you’ll just get destroyed… hilariously. The overall personality and story of this game are top-notch, and the biggest reason above all else to experience the whole thing from beginning to end. You’ll laugh at Drippy’s stereotypical British dialogue, cry at the really sad (and REALLY happy) moments, and even curse at the boss fights when they cheat you out of victory because someone forgot to block in time (even though you told them to… yay).

If you weren’t a fan of JRPGs prior to this, Ni No Kuni isn’t going to change your mind. It’s got most of the genre stereotypes that people love to hate (That same battle theme!? AGAIN!!!!? KGHAKDFHSD!!!), though many that fans of the genre will still love. This is one of those rare titles that people of all ages can appreciate however, with a charming little story, and messages that both kids and adults can benefit from. And hey, you even get the chance to “Catch Em’ All” in the process. A win-win baby!

8 Silly British Puns Out Of 10

And off I go, back into my “fantasy land of monsters to go save my mother from the evil White Witch.” Ahahaha, sure, that’s what’s really happening, Oliver. This isn’t a mind trip of yours or anything like that… >>