Friday, June 14, 2013

Ask Deadpool: Vol.1 (Let's Make Some History, Shall We!?)

Welcome to the first edition of “Ask Deadpool,” which is sure to become a collector’s item in the future! Please hold all applause until after the presentation is complete. With that said, let's crack this baby open!

Q: How do you feel about your place within the future of the Kingdom Hearts universe? – Thomas A.

A: As if screaming like a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t enough after discovering that Kingdom Hearts III is in fact a real thing; but then remembering that I may even get be a part of it next time!? Oh Sora, when I’m done with your game, it will no longer have a ‘T’ rating. This is my guarantee!

Q: Dear Deadpool, why aren’t you in Super Smash Bros. yet? – Stefan S.

A: I can assure you the ONLY reason for this is because I have not yet taken control of Nintendo headquarters. I’ve been spending all my recent time trying to take over Capcom first instead. The way I see it, Mega Man Legends 3 takes priority, and at this point, I believe Capcom has demonstrated that the only way we’ll ever get this game is through brutal violence and dismemberment… Same result for a better Resident Evil, AMIRITEFLKS!!1? ^_^

Q: Dear Deadpool,
Why is a raven like a writing desk? – Nina C.


Q: Dear Deadpool, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? – Lucas D.

A: No thanks to that damn owl (!!!), I was able to determine that the result is actually going to be different for pretty much every person you do it with. For example, if you are a small animal, it will probably take over 1000 licks. If you are Gene Simmons, it will probably take about 5. The more you know…

Q: Dear Deadpool, why don’t you have an arch enemy named Livesnooker? – Dan H.

A: I’m going to answer that question with another question. Why are you NOT a current writer for Marvel!? Not only would that be an awesome anti-me, but we could probably make all kinds of stupid sports puns that would fly over people’s heads! You are definitely on to something good sir.

Q: Would you make a contract with me and become a magical girl? ^_^ - Kyubey

A: Well, normally I’d say no…, but your face seems trusting enough, so…

Q: To whom it may concern: If Timmy has 2 apples and Suzy has 3 apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? – Chad M.

A: The truth is, Timmy is actually fat as hell, and won’t rest until he has consumed all of his and Suzy’s apples, as well as everything in sight. Suzy sees Timmy in the distance and remembers “the incident.” One night, her parents mysteriously went missing, and the only thing the police found were some human bones that were confirmed to have been gnawed on. She knows that the end is nigh… The apples were merely a stepping stone for the main course… planet Earth!

And I thought I'd leave you all off with this little number...

Q: So Deadpool, what or who would you compare Microsoft’s Xbox One to? – Sam S.

A: Have you ever had an ex who was so creepy, that they still follow you around all the time? They act like they have no idea why you broke up with them in the first place (spying on you all the time, cleaning out your wallet just so you can do anything with them), insist on getting back together despite refusing to change their ways, and treat you like a jerk for even considering moving on to someone else that will actually treat you much better. They say “What’s so great about them, when I’m right around the corner?” And then when you once again remind them of the reasons why you’re never getting back with their stalker-ass, they start getting more spiteful and even try to make you pay them for the most mundane of things, like the resources they used to stalk you with in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

And there you have it folks! The first volume is under our belts and we can happily look forward to more as long as you keep supplying the awesome questions! Let's continue to rock this casbah!


  1. Excellent Job...still, will it be weird you'll be reviewing yourself this 25th?

    1. Thank you sir! I too am curious about whether or not the world will implode at the site of me attempting this, but at least I'll look damn fine doing it!