Monday, November 11, 2013

Deadpool's Spacey Movie Review Of Ender's Game (Spoiler Free, Yada Yada) (2013)

After months in isolation, one man triumphs in reclaiming his homeland…: ME bitches! Deadpool’s back in tha’ house! Here to entertain you, while still informing you at the same time; a line seemingly uncrossed by the likes of cable news channels (ZOMGDIDHEJUSTGOTHEREYESITHINKHEDID!). Today, I come bearing review of a movie that I’m having a hard time believing is finally out. This thing was halted in production multiple times because the book’s author wouldn’t rest until it was as great of an adaptation as possible. So what the heck did we actually get here? READ ON, BECAUSE I’M NOT JUST GOING TO TELL YOU UP HERE, YOU NINNY!

Ender’s Game is based on the classic sci-fi novel, but that infamous and oddly homophobic man, Orson Scott Card (of whom I’m happy to announce to fans, didn’t really make any money from the film itself, so it’s safe to go see it, guilt-free!). Ender Wiggin is a scrawny-looking (although genius!) boy, who is chosen to join Battle School, what is basically a space-age boot camp to become the best of the best and learn how to fight the buggers… Oh wait, they’re not called buggers in the movie? They’re just called Formics?... Damn it Orson Scott Card. Damn it. You start with the little things…

One thing I remember taking from the book (that’s right; I read it. I’m hip. I’m with it.), was the constant amount of bullying that Ender goes through in his quest to reach the top. That’s still all here in full force, and it’s no less painful to see as it was to read about back then. This is some harsh stuff for those who might not be prepared for it. If you didn’t read the book, then I question what kind of sci-fi fan you are in the first place, since it’s pretty much up there with Dune and friends for the highest-rated stories of its genre!

The effects are pretty top-notch all around the board here. The moments that shine the most for the film are definitely Ender’s trials in the anti-gravity chamber (where you’ll see the most futuristic games of Quidditch ever!), and the later scenes which I won’t spoil anything about for those who didn’t already read/watch it. HA, you thought I’d give away plot details, but you’re a fool! A foolishly foolish fool! Read it, you lazy buggers! There, found another use for the word! #giveusbackourbuggers

The actors and actresses pretty much play out their parts the way they were supposed to. Asa Butterfield did a great job as Ender. Some may say he plays kind of a lifeless character, but if you ask me, this is pretty much exactly the way he was portrayed, so I see no issues there. Harrison Ford was also notable as Colonel Graff, who came off more as an older Han Solo, teaching future Rebel Alliance soldiers how to learn the ropes… On another note, I am surprisingly okay with this! Who wouldn’t want to be led into space combat by the nerf herder himself, I ask you!?

Unfortunately for those who have read the book (again, like yours truly #ididntchoosethehipsterlife), you’re also going to notice that they left out quite a hefty bit of material. I wasn’t surprised that this happened, in fact, I was expecting it; but it was still disappointing all the same to see such an intricate book cut down for time. There was an entire subplot in the book, featuring Ender’s brother Peter and sister Valentine, in which the two begin writing faux internet entries as two figures, Lock and Demosthenes, in an attempt for Peter to gain political power, while Valentine can watch over him from a bit of a distance. What was one of the most interesting parts of the whole damn thing was taken out to make time for the more “important” scenes instead. They also kind of half-ass (or is it more like quarter-ass?) the scenes where Ender plays a game that is supposed to test his mind and psyche. Many details are left out and sped up just to get to the point of it all; once again, leaving out so much of what made it such an eye-opening sequence to begin with.

I guess having read the book, I kind of wished there was about a half-hour more. They would have been able to flesh out many more details if the film simply crossed that 2 and a half hour mark. In fact, I’ve got an idea. Release an extended edition of the film (like the people behind The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings movies make a killing off of!), or an “ultimate edition” like we saw with the Watchmen film, making it all come together for those who wanted more. I dunno you guys… Maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way. If I hadn’t read the book, would I have still wanted more out of this?... Actually, yeah, I probably would.

It’s not a bad film by any means, quite the opposite in fact. It’s just that it could have been so much more than what it was, and it’s going to leave many viewers going hungry, wondering if they just ate Chinese food and got that feeling where it wears off suddenly. It’s still worth seeing, but the impact of it all and the big climax scene near the end just won’t have the same effect that the beautiful papery book goodness provides. #whenbooklovebecomesunhealthy

7 Buggers Out Of 10

Now if we could just do something about the bullying on this planet… Oh well, I guess that’s nothing a new Hunger Games sequel won’t cure, right? See you next time, when the flurry of November blockbusters will continue! Seriously though, I don't have the money for all of these...

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