Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Deadpool's Completely Biased Review Of Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Greetings peons! As we approach the holiday season in this time of unforgiving economic climate and poverty, people look to other mediums in order to escape the harsh realities of the grapes that bring us such wrath. Don’t you all worry; I’ve got my eyes on them; those damn grapes… Look at them there, plotting their little grapey ways… Little do they know I’m on to them… What was I talking about again? Oh yes, distractions from the pathetic existence that is your life! Well there’s one thing that’s booming in that department in more ways than one. Call of motherfrackin’ Duty mother frackers! You want bro? This game is bro!

Who needs all the thought-provoking and innovative gaming ideas of the world when you can blow that smart-mouthed fourteen-year-old wannabe cool kid to kingdom come with your RPG!? Girlfriend telling you to do unruly things like come visit her or acknowledge her existence? Screw that!!! I’ve got Modern Warfare 3 biznatch! Take a numbah!

Yeah, this game’s pretty bad-ass in that sense. You may have noticed all the differences in the graphics and gameplay… You may have. If you did, could you tell me what those are actually? I’m still trying to figure that one out… In all honesty, not a lot has changed this time around. That’s either going to thrill or annoy you depending on how you look at things. Did you enjoy the multiplayer and Spec Ops modes of the previous entries in the series? Well then it’s your lucky day because they’re all back with new stages to mess around in. Did you want to have more of a campaign mode where the graphics are touched up and the gameplay is pretty much untouched? Viola! Your sick, twisted version of Jesus has come.

If you played the campaign in the other games, you’re probably itching to see Makarov (the villain) get what’s coming to him. I won’t go into any details (as the campaign is shorter than the loser writing this review), but know that if you’ve been following up to this point, you’ll likely come out satisfied in the end. The stages and settings really do make you feel like you’re in the middle of World War III. It’s a shame that when I instigate the real WWIII soon, it won’t be nearly as cool-looking when people try to stop me from doing it and I pop their heads full of lead. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! ^-^

Spec Ops and multiplayer modes are similar to the last, with a few design tweaks and some new maps to sweeten the deal. You’ll laugh and cry as the guy over Xbox Live shouts about how he’s “The greatest and you all best be runnin’ now ni**a!” Okay, I’m the one that said that, but if you saw how obnoxious this twelve-year-old was that I was playing with, you’d have said it to him too! Children…, am I right folks!? Yeah, I know I’m right...

Okay, saying it’s all exactly the same wouldn’t be the complete truth. They did a few touch-ups with the multiplayer, like lower respawn time and the overall increased speed of each match itself. Probably the most interesting of all was the way Infinity Ward gave players new ways to earn pointsreaks. If you completely suck at killing like all those around me do, you can find non-lethal ways to generate those points and unlock the rewards. Now those are what keep the multiplayer going is those rewards; those shiny, shiny rewards. Me likey the shiny. You can also level up your weapons by using them successfully and more often. It’s a good way to encourage finding a weapon that suits you and sticking with it while everything else in your life continues to fall apart. Call of Duty Elite is also a good source of stat tracking and building up clans online… Or at least it would be if it actually worked. Great job still not having it fixed to this very day guys; great job…

One more aspect of multiplayer that players will notice is the inclusion of some new modes. My favorite in particular is “Kill Confirmed,” where in order to score points for killing an enemy; you also have to pick up their dog tag. It’s a nice deviation from the excruciatingly same experience you get from this installment otherwise.

As you could tell from my last flashy sentence, the good does not come without the bad. There may be faster multiplayer, but this also results in waaaaaaaaay less tactical gameplay. It’s hard to form any kind of strategy when you’re thrown into a small map with five rank 75’s surrounding your ass. And that’s another thing! What is UP with the matchmaking system (or lack thereof I should say) in this game!? If I’m at rank 4, then why the hell am I thrown into a round with people ready to reach their first Prestige!? It’s as if they’re trying to discourage me with all of these goons popping up! And that’s ANOTHER thing! WHY oh why would you allow a game’s multiplayer to be released when it is very easy to be respawned directly in front of another player, as well as facing away from them? So that the opponent can choose which buttock they want to fire a bullet into first!? NOT COOL!

Okay, now that I’ve gotten all of that out of my system and banned myself from using the italics key for the rest of the review, I will give my closing thoughts. The game is exactly what you would expect; no more and no less. It’s got more campaign with a (relatively good) conclusion to the story that preceded it, some fun co-op gameplay in Spec Ops mode, and the same old online multiplayer you love/hate with the same damn whiny kids/drug dealers you love/hate and the same old soon-to-be-expensive map packs coming out in the future that you’ll love/hate. Is it fair that Infinity Ward doesn’t have to do much but make more levels with the exact same gameplay mechanics to make millions of dollars? Absolutely not, but everybody’s playing it anyway. In fact, according to the statistics, you already have a copy of the game, you’ve already beaten the campaign on Veteran difficulty, and you’ve already shouted expletives and racial slurs at me online despite not actually knowing my nationality. Like Guitar Hero before it, Activision wants this series whored out as much as possible and will keep finding ways to make you its bitch… and it will work.

So that’s pretty much it. The game is okay at best, but that won’t stop it from making millions. My review won’t stop it from making millions. Hell, even Fox News won’t be able to stop it from making millions (though they’ve ironically done the opposite with every game they’ve generated controversy over, come to think of it…). So we all have to simply let this one be. You can join it, or you can protest it like the “I think my opinion is so important” police that are flooding the internet as we speak. As for me personally? I’ll jump on the bandwagon as I’m all cool and super open-minded like that. AWW, that kill was so unfair! What do you MEAN he shot me THROUGH the building!? Hey, what’s that noise?

“You are under arrest for illegal usage of the italics key after banning yourself from it two paragraphs ago!”

“FOOLS! You’ll never take me alive! You have no proof!!!... Oh wait... DAMN!”

8 controversially destroyed London Subway tunnels out of 10

No comments:

Post a Comment