Sunday, April 29, 2012
Deadpool's AWESOME Review Of Kid Icarus: Uprising (Game Review)
Hell-o again fellow cretins! I bet you were all wondering when I’d be back to reign with my powers of the internet once again. Well, wait no longer as I craft yet another spectacle from my ball of awesome! Seriously, you cannot fathom the awesomeness that is this ball of awesome. What is my topic today? A video game! I felt I had something in common with Kid Icarus: Uprising, as I too was brought back from the dead after the company behind the franchise realized how completely and utterly AWESOME it would be to bring us back! So without further commercial interruption, here is Deadpool’s review of Kid Icarus: Uprising!
For starters, I was hyped to hell about this title from the day it was announced. Why? Well, look at the damn screenshots, and then smack yourself in the face for having wasted my time with such a pointless question. Then look at the video trailers and see how pretty it even looks in motion. Can you feel the insanity!?... No? Well, how about with the 3D on? Yeah, now you’re gettin’ it! It’s no secret that this has been one of the most hyped-up titles since the 3DS was even announced, and it’s not hard to see why. A combination rail-shooter/action-platformer with AR technology AND weapon customization? Oh, and did I mention it’s from the same guy that made Kirby’s Dream Land AND the Smash Bros. series!? *squeeee*
So after all the smoke has cleared, how has this one actually stacked up? Well, let’s start with the graphics. They’re a bit downgraded from the style you may remember from the characters in Smash Bros. Brawl. This is not a bad thing however, as it is still pretty damn beautiful for a title you hold in your palm. You’ll be zipping and sliding across all sorts of crazy and scenic maps, while blowing enemies to kingdom come with all your weapons through rapid fire and hardcore slashing. Honestly, I didn’t know the little tike had it in him…
The game makes all sorts of little cues to the original. Sometimes the references are awesome, and other times, I want to groan louder than a walrus when I hear them. It’s a mixed bag. The dialogue is also quite… odd. I can’t help but wonder if the dialogue in the Japanese version was the same, because hearing Pit say things like “Time to lay the smack down!” and Lady Palutena start a sentence with “Well, in today’s economy…” just makes me uncomfortable; ME! Also, the voices can be painful at times. The flamboyant voice of Hades and Thanatos were especially noteworthy. In fact, Thanatos is literally in his own category, it’s that bad. They have prisons for that kind of thing man…
So how’s the actual gameplay? Well, here’s probably the most interesting part of the review (HAHA, you still had to read the rest to get to it!). The controls are manageable, but they will likely cause your hand to cramp up, and obscenities to fall from your mouth faster than a cheetah on crack. The makers of the game actually included a stand with the game in order to try to make things easier on the player. Basically, you have one hand with the stylus to point your target reticule, and the other hand to use the analog stick and shoulder button to move Pit around and fire/attack. Here’s the real kicker though. That circle pad pro that worked AMAZINGLY with Resident Evil: Revelations (or “Revelaitons” according to one of the best box art typos ever) has little use here, other than to allow the analog stick to also be used for left-handed players. That’s right folks. Instead of actually FIXING the damn control problem and allowing the other analog stick to be used as the target reticule, they are actually giving the middle finger to left-handed gamers instead, saying they now have to buy the device in order to play the game. It’s not that I can come up with a better way off the top of my head per se, but I’d be pretty pissed if I had to pay an extra $20 to properly play a game, while fat little Jimmy across the street gets to save that $20 for another game (or for more bars of chocolate; that damn fat kid…).
The control issue is a shame, because the game is all but brilliant otherwise. I haven’t seen a crazy game of this style since maybe Sin and Punishment, and half of you people don’t even know what that is! Unfortunately, your hands will not allow you to usually play more than a few chapters in a sitting. Each chapter will usually leave you satisfied, between the flying and action-platforming, with adjustable difficulty settings to collect more hearts to buy stuff with the higher you go. This also makes the difficulty perfect for just about everyone. The boss fights are about what you would expect for a game of this type, though you do get some creative touches thrown in, especially with some of the later battles. My only complaint about them is that they go down faster than GM stock. Ba-ZING! The other great news is that the replay value of this game is through the roof, through the skyscraper, and then off through space it’s so bloody vast. The multiplayer is very well crafted, and more than worthy of creating tournaments for. The weapon customization is excellent, as there are nearly hundreds of different weapons you can fuse and craft between missions. The Streetpass and Spotpass features are also nice this time around, as passing along different weapons to friends expands your already unnecessarily huge and morbid stash of death machines. You collect little trophies similar to the ones in the Smash Bros. games, the menus look like the ones from Smash Bros., and… hell, pretty much everything else in this looks like it came straight out of Smash Bros. I guess if it ain’t broke…
One more feature I must describe because I am already wincing about it once again, is the collectible card game aspect. Nintendo doesn’t want you to simply “get” the rest of the AR cards. Oh no… That’d be too easy. Instead, they want you to be afraid… oh so very very afraid. You get six cards with the game at random (out of 20), 3 more through Club Nintendo (which I heard are already gone!), 3 through a Nintendo Power issue, 1 through a Game Informer issue, 3 through Best Buy’s @Gamer magazine, 3 more with the strategy guide, and then the rest through booster packs that you can’t even buy anywhere, but get at conventions and events!!! Do you see why this is nerve wracking!??? Oh, and one more nail on the coffin: One special card was only given out to the first 250 people who bought the game on launch day at the Nintendo World store in NYC. Were you there? Oh, you weren’t? Well, middle fingers to ya! FML… :’(
So to sum it all up, painful arthritis-inducing controls aside, you’ve got a pretty solid experience on your hands. There’s plenty to do, and you’ll easily want to go back for more when your hand has decided it wasn’t punished enough last time. I am also very proud of Pit for making a Metroid reference. You’ll get there one day kid. You’ll get there one day… ^_^
8.5 Eggplant Wizards out of 10
Now, left-handed gamers of the world, UNITE! Tell them you want your tunic-wearing angel boys just like the rest of the world!!!... On second thought, let me work on that speech first… >>