Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Deadpool's Glorious Movie Review Of Guardians Of The Galaxy (2014) (Mostly Spoiler-Free...ish... on a Tuesday)

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Alright, alright, alRIGHT!!! The most exciting thing besides the leaked test footage of my movie came out this week, and that thing would be the Guardians of the MOTHERF@$KING Galaxy MOTHERF@$KERS! I gave you all PLENTY of time to see it over the weekend and up until now, and even waited to post my review per the request of one of my many friends (you're lucky I like you Mary! Yes, you know which Mary you are...).

Alright, so what the hell did we just get ourselves into here!? Where to even begin... You've got Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), the only guy I've ever seen in a Marvel movie that may be a bigger douche than me, Gamora (Zoe Saldana), the sexy green alien woman who was raised by Thanos to be a crazy assassin, Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper), the biggest (smallest) sailor-mouthed, gun-toting, talking Raccoon this side of Morag, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a completely serious brute who takes EVERYTHING literally, and last but not least, Groot (Vin Diesel). He's a giant tree that's only capable of saying "I am Groot" a million times. If this description does not make you want to go out and see this movie, then how in the hell were we ever friends to begin with? You must have snuck into my friend's list or something... >_>

Without going into 'teh spoilerz' territory too much, the plot itself is pretty basic. All of the wacky characters I described above get thrown into a space prison for different offenses and band together in order to escape and eventually go on to save the galaxy (because REASONS!). What makes this movie so damn entertaining however, is the personality clashes. This is a group of people/raccoons/trees that couldn't be more different from each other, and it makes every scene spontaneous and unpredictable; just the way your resident psychopath here likes it!

Another wonderful thing I have to talk about before going any farther is... DAT SOUNDTRACK THO! Despite all of the awesome things I've already mentioned (again, a talking TREE, people!), the soundtrack may just be the best part of the whole freaking thing. We've got hits from The Runaways, David Bowie, The Jackson 5, and of course, Blue Swede with "Hooked on a Feeling." HA, just got it stuck in your head again! Now that I've got you uncontrollably dancing, let me continue... while dancing. (OOGACHAKAOOGACHAKA)

Are you by chance a fan of the Walking Dead/Doctor Who? Because there's actors from BOTH of those shows in this mother of a Marvel movie... man. And they don't just play stupid worthless throwaway parts either, but like actually ACTUAL parts! Seriously, stuff's so tight I'm running out of proper grammar to use when talking about it.

So I'm going to be honest with you fine folks about something. I honestly thought this movie was going to tank like the Howard the Duck movie (OMGWAZTHATASPOILERIDONTKNOWGAAAAH). Marvel films up to this point have for the most part been relatively serious (with bits of comedy thrown around here and there for good measure). But again, mostly srs. Srsly. This is the first time I've seen a studio try to go all out comedic with their approach. And that's not to say this movie has no feeling or serious moments, but they obviously don't dominate the film. I certainly can't blame the writers and director for going this route either, as, yes, I'm going to reference it again while I spam these commas, there is a TALKING MOTHER@$KING RACCOON AND TREE IN THIS MOVIE! COMMA, COMMA, COMMA, EXCLAMATION MARK!

So yeah, obviously everybody is loving this movie and I admit, I am too. If this is a sign of comedic Marvel movies to come (like the upcoming Ant Man film and, *gasp*, MY film!), then I think we're going to be doing just fine. I can see why people might not like it (as the silliness goes beyond words at times), but I am not one of those people, and apparently, neither are most of you reading this, so sweet! Let us keep dancing and enjoying this silly piece of "WTF did I just watch!?" for years to come!

9 References To An Eventual Infinity Gauntlet Movie Out Of 10

You could tell the people at Marvel/Disney REALLY wanted you to get to know these characters, and I think they've succeeded. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we start seeing kids reference all of Rocket's trash talk and playing with a tiny dancing Groot plant (... seriously, can we PLEASE get that!? I'd buy like 60 of them with money I don't even have!). I'd like to interact with these people myself, but I have a feeling I'd do something to ruin it and cause them to try to kill me. What can I say? I am Groo--- ah, Deadpool. I am Deadpool... (Groot).

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