Saturday, December 19, 2015

Deadpool's Intergalactic SPOILER-FREE Review Of Star Wars: The Force Awakens!!!!!!!!

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Alright, ALRIGHT!!! I have heard you all LOUD and clear, and have made my decision... Well, okay. That loser Justin made the decision, but I'm humoring you all with it! So as agreed, this first blog will be completely SPOILER-FREE, so you can all shut the hell up about "Oh no Deadpool, I didn't see it yet!" That's THE POINT, SHERLOCK! It's not supposed to give anything away. After that, I'll give you all a week before I (force) unleash my completely spoiler-riffic follow up, so we can talk about all the naughty bits. Kapeesh? (Is that how you even spell that word? I swear, I have never tried to spell that word in my life and MS Word is currently telling me I'm wrong, so I don't know... Maybe YOU'RE the one who's wrong, MS Word!)

So obviously the amount of things I can talk about here are really limited (Thanks again, Justin! Seriously, I'm throwing my favorite finger up in the air at you as we speak; and it's NOT the pinky!). That's okay though, even with this handicap, we can still cover some serious ground without having to cause a change of pants... yet. So yeah, holy crap!! NEW STAR WARS!!! Are you freaking kidding me!? Is this real life!??? Yes, yes I'm pretty certain it actually is! And this is Episode VII baby!! Am I using enough exclamation marks yet!!!!!!!!!???

So I'll start by going over how much we already knew from the trailers, without mentioning any of the actual events in the movie yet, aHAHAHAHAHA!!! (I'm sorry, I just realized I made a funny joke, putting "holy crap" after that last part about a change of pa-never mind.) *ahem* So, we know that there are multiple new cast members, including John Boyega as Finn, and Daisy Ridley as Rey. We've also got your old favorites, Harrison Ford as Han, Carrie Fisher as Leia, and of course, Mark Hamill as Luke. And we've got some other new players into this game, though going into their details might be a little much. I'll mention one more though, as you can't talk about this new movie and not mention him in some way: Kylo Ren is a villain with a badass helmet. He has a funny looking lightsaber that seems to go against the laws of lightsaber physics, according to random nerds who suddenly claim to be experts in that field.

Let's talk "look and feel." Not like that, you pervs! (Save some of that for MY movie next year!) I mean the look and feel of the movie of course. As in, does it LOOK and FEEL like Star Wars? The answer is of course, HELL TO THE YEAAAAAH! JJ Abrams was careful to make sure they would capture everything we know and love about this universe. For starters, instead of going CGI-rabid like... practically every movie in general lately, they chose to use actual set pieces for the full effect. And the soundtrack? Well, who else but John Williams to lead us to galactic salvation, am I right folks? While I will be the first to point out there weren't really any memorable tracks to come out of the score this time, it was still very much a Star Wars score, and a very welcome one at that. I swear, if you didn't get goosebumps once the logo came up on the screen and the music began blasting, then you don't have a soul. There, I said it. I don't care. I tell it like it is!!! (At least saying that has been working for Trump so far, right? >_>)

Your next thoughts are going to be, "That's great and all Deadpool, but what about the actors and the plot!? Ugh ungh ugggggh!!!" First of all, you're spoiled as hell and I hate you. Secondly, I am doing these one paragraph at a time, so sit your Angle-Side-Side down, and listen for once in your miserable life! The next thing I'm going to delve into is the actors. All of the new actors in this film turned out to be pretty brilliant. I'm especially fond of Rey. This is a character who is clearly going places. Finn's character was also a lot of fun. He provided a lot of comic relief, while also coming off as a bit of a fanboy (basically making him the most relatable character in the movie when you stop and think about it!). We've also got a new droid friend! YES, BB-8 is the most painfully adorable thing that you wish you came up with first. I imagine more merchandise of this droid selling than anything else the entire line of toys and products. I am not kidding. He's basically already taken over the world, much to Oprah Winfrey's dismay (though I'm still quite positive she will have rule over us by at least 2020. Have you SEEN the things she stuffs under chairs and gives away??? Future ruler, right there.).

As if it was even in question, the returning cast from the previous movies are just as amazing as they've ever been. If seeing Han smile and say "Chewie... We're home." doesn't fill you with glee, then I once again question your- Oh right, we already established that you don't have a soul. Mentioning the amount of screen time each actor/actress gets and their roles in the film would be saying too much right now, but know full well that they are back and it's as if they never left us in the first place.

The plot? Yeah, that's the one we're going to have to sit down and have a big ol' discussion about, because there's a lot to go over (even though I'll be saving it for the spoiler-riffic talk in the next post. Seriously, you'd better not forget about it). You're going to hear one main, common complaint amongst some Star Wars fans. They're arguing that the plot of this new movie is too derivative of the previous original trilogy (especially A New Hope, like, 110% A New Hope). I can see where these people are coming from. Obviously, there were a lot of similarities thrown in, with some feeling a bit forced (pun ridiculously intended) and for no other purpose, other than "Hey, remember that thing!? *wink wink nudge nudge*."

Going into the plot also brings up a discussion on whether we should consider this a reboot, more than a sequel. I still say it's a sequel (for obvious reasons), but this was definitely made to work as a reboot for the up-and-coming young generation, who is just being introduced to this stuff for the first time. For what it was worth, I very much enjoyed it, even if some scenes were more predictable than others. I feel I should warn you though... This is by FAR the most bloody and violent Star Wars film to date. If you thought Revenge of the Sith was crazy with its PG-13 rating, wait until you see THIS one with its PG-13 rating in action! Oh, and there's also... No, no we can't talk about that yet. It's too much right now. If some asshole on Facebook didn't already spoil the major plot details for you, then I won't do it here either. Just know there's a reason I can't say anymore about Kylo Ren's background just yet. (Hehehe, see that? I've got 'em in the palm of my hand!... Oh crap, I forgot you can read my thoughts here. Umm... "These are not the thoughts you are looking for... Move along. Move along." >_>)

JJ Abrams had one hell of a goal to work on by picking up this project. This guy has literally now directed reboots of both Star Trek AND Star Wars now. Can you say ultimate nerd paradise dream? Hnnnnnnngh, that is how envy is formed my friends. I really feel he did a great job with this one. Keep in mind he had to find a way to make this both accessible to newcomers, AND satisfy the old fans with a taste of something new. In that regard, I definitely feel he succeeded. Also, can we take a second to point and laugh at the fact that someone was dumb enough to approve releasing the new "Alvin & The Chipmunks" movie on the SAME FREAKING DAY!? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You can't even make this crap up!!!

8.5 Overused Tropes Out Of 10

And that's it for now folks. Tune in next week, same Deadpool time, same Deadpool channel, when we'll talk about "Whoa, did they really just do that!?" and "No... No, it can't be!!!! HOW COULD YOUUUUUU!?" all in one crazy blog. Happy landings, and may the force a day keep your constipation away!! (That sounded a lot better in my head...)

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