Sunday, May 8, 2016

Deadpool's Extraordinary Spoiler-Free Review Of Captain America: Civil War (2016)

HEY! YOU! GUUUUUUUUUUUYS!!! It's here! It's really finally actually here!!! A deep Captain America film? A film with the new Spider-Man's first appearance? A film with the first Black Panther appearance? And on the same weekend as Free Comic Book Day!!??? I can't breathe. It's too. Freaking. Awesome. O_O

*wheeze* I'm okay... Just... need more... Cheetos...

Yes, my fine folks. You can stop pinching yourselves now, as this dream is in fact a reality (no seriously, stop doing that, it's freaking weird and it hurts!). The film is so jam-packed with content, you could basically call it Avengers III and no one would even bat an eye. But you know what? After the slight disappointment we all felt after Age of Ultron, that's OKAY!!! This is the REAL Avengers movie we all crave, and I'm so giddy, I keep dancing in my wheely office chair as I type this. What, doesn't everybody have one of those? You should... Wheeeeeely...

So what IS the plot of this alleged epic tome of a movie, you ask? Well, without going into the spoiler-iffic details, I will say this: Cap and the gang accidently cause a great level of destruction while trying to stop some criminals. This causes the governments of multiple countries to create a proposed deal to put the heroes in check, and try to call the shots, instead of letting the heroes do whatever the hell they want. Hey, I get it. You want to protect people, but you want to do it "right," so you go along with authoritative methods. But then again, as an established anti-hero mercenary, I never really cared much for the law. FIGHT THE MACHINE!!! Oh wait, they did that in the last Avengers movie, right? Right... Ah, anyway... So Cap is all "Hell to the no! This isn't the way we do things." and Tony just be sittin' like "BRUUUUUH, this is the way it HAS to be, due to all the guilt I feel from the last three movies!" Cue the disagreements, character buildup, and "WTF, that's not even possible!" fight scenes, and we've got ourselves another Marvel movie!!! I kid, but then again, I don't.

So what makes this stand out from any of the previous movies; particularly the previous Cap and Avengers movies? Surprisingly quite a bit. The Avengers films have always tried to give a proper balance of fun/ny and serious, while the Cap movies would tend to stay on the darker side of things. While this still technically does the latter, you could really feel more of the light-hearted nature sprinkled throughout Civil War, and that's owed in part to all of the Amazing (pun 100000% intended) cameos. Again, without giving away too many details... Spider-Man is wonderful in this. Like, OH MY GOD! He actually behaves like a REAL LIFE HIGH SCHOOL KID. LIKE THE REAL PETER PAKER FROM THE COMICS DID! AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE DID IN THE 60'S COMICS!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I can't wait to do a spinoff/crossover movie with him in a few years (oh what, that wasn't revealed to the public yet? Uh... nothing to see here folks! Move along, move along... >_>). Tom Holland is the most accurate portrayal of the character yet, and I don't even feel nervous saying that like I thought I would. His story is only just beginning and I can't wait to see more of him and his unusually attractive aunt. Kudos on the NOT showing his Uncle Ben dying again. I swear he and Bruce Wayne's parents are in cahoots with all of these parent death origin stories coming back.

And we can't leave out the Black Panther in all of this. Holy CRAP, was he good! His costume and personality are the very definition of bad-ass... Well, second definition. Mine's the first one in the dictionary. You know how dictionaries list words and they sometimes have more than one mean-never mind. Chadwick Boseman did a very convincing job being king of a place in Africa that doesn't actually exist in the real world. That's pretty damn awesome right there! He's also honorable, which I am not, so kudos for that, since I'm basically admitting he's a better person than me... I don't have to impress you, I have a movie!!!

All of the other people we love and hate are back as well. Tony, Rhodey, Bucky, Sam, Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Tom, Dick, and Harry... Okay, those last three are fake, but I'm getting lazy, and you get the idea. I have to say that for a movie with ALL of these characters, it's a miracle they were able to fit ANY story into this at all! Though two-and-a-half hours isn't exactly something to scoff at. Hell, it's usually not even something to stay AWAKE at, but this one ended up being an exception. This movie was paced so well, you actually knew when it was okay to breathe and take a minute to laugh at someone else's expense, before returning to grip-the-side-of-your-movie-seat battle stance once again. (Don't play around, you KNOW the stance I'm talking about!)

Now is the part where I speak to the "hard-cores" of the group. You know, the comic book readers that are apparently here for no other reason than to nitpick things and complain if anything happens differently than it did in the comic. If this is your thought process, you may as well just stay the hell away from this movie, as it is almost completely different in both plot and execution. It's also going to make more money than you ever will in your lifetime, which is something to consider when you're angrily staring at your computer and wondering why you're still not famous after sitting there all day. (I'm talking to YOU millenials... Yes, even the guy writing this blog. In fact, especially the guy writing this blog! My entire existence in this blog is your fault! Why do you continue to let me do this!? Do you hate yourself? See me after the blog, young man!)

This movie is gripping from beginning to end, and it all but finally removed the sour taste that Batman Vs. Superman left in my mouth. Am I judging the people who liked that movie? Nah, I don't care enough about people in general to do something like that, but I will say that if you didn't really enjoy that dark and broody romp-around, then you will very likely come out of this with extreme levels of ultra-giddy like I did, and that's at least twelve levels above mega-giddy. Every major character made some type of progress, and will also never be the same after this. I didn't feel like anyone did a bad job with their character performances either. Everyone was completely believable, even if the fight scenes were not. When a certain character activated a certain special ability during a certain airport fight, I pretty much lost my mind and began to flail. It was THAT exciting! Cap-focused movies have been major standouts ever since Winter Soldier, and this one is no exception to that unwritten rule. Please give us more, Marvel. I need my fix...

9 Brooklyn/Queens Jokes Out Of 10

Honestly, if this is the direction of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I may have to start secretly hoping that Fox sells my film rights over to them in the most whore-ish way possible. They've got a good thing going, and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon. I mean, who could have imagined a world where I actually star in a movie? No, I'm still not over that. YOU get over yourself! I'm out to go read all of the Free Comic Book Day comics. I heard that Justin used his family to help get most of them. What a loser! Later, peoples!

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