Friday, May 19, 2017

Deadpool's Cool And Relevant Movie Review Of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.2 (2017) (SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!)

Good morning/afternoon/evening/whateverthehellisinbetweenthose everyone! Something dawned on me this past week. I forgot something. Something very important. Yes, that's right. I just about wrote the entire review for this movie in my head, but never actually WROTE the bloody thing in all of that time!!! So, if it's alright with you, I'd like to slyly release this review in a style similar to a kid sneaking into his class after getting there extremely late. Coolzies? COOLZIES!!!


With that off of my chest (for now, until it comes back later in this review most likely), I'd like to say this movie is an enjoyable experience, even if not necessarily better than the original. That's okay. It didn't HAVE to better per se. Do you like soundtracks with music from the 60's-80's? Check. Do you enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of the group due to antics that they themselves usually cause? Double de Check. Are you okay with the fact that the plot can go all over the effing place for the sake of keeping this in line with other Marvel movies? Ehhh... I guess that's half check for me.

Superhero movies (as of late) tend to have one big flaw that they're all basically constrained to. The execs of both the Marvel and DC movies are certain that in order for their movies to be successful, they have to not only make a great stand alone tale, but also mix in enough bits and pieces to make it relevant to the other upcoming films. Fair thought to have. In some cases, this can work pretty well. In others, it can be absolutely fatal. I hate to say it, because I love SO many things about the first Guardians movie, but this one did start to suffer a case of "future movie setup" hell. It didn't RUIN the experience, but it damn well could have, and I'm certain some people do feel pretty defiled by it. (Yeeck, I hate that word; defiled. It's almost as bad as moist. Ugh. Moist... I need a shower...).

So what's good about it to counter that slightly shittier paragraph above? Well, the character developments were actually really nice for the most part. Probably the most surprising was the bonding that took place between Yondu and Rocket. I did not expect Yondu to suddenly become one of the better characters of the movie, but it happened (and this is talking PRIOR to the now famous 'Mary Poppins' line that I'm SO jealous I didn't come up with first!!!). Peter/Star-Lord's development with his father, Ego, was certainly interesting as well. You just KNEW something was up, but didn't know just what until the later half. And boy, did that reveal hurt... Not the reveal about him actually being a planet, like in the comics; that was kick-ass. (HA, take THAT, losers who try to complain about everything not being like the comics, only to be proven wrong!!!) I meant the reveal about being the actual cause of his wife's death. That stung. This white dudebro, extremely smart and composed green woman (who should actually be leading the group, btw), talking asshole raccoon, giant "everything is literal" warrior, and cute tiny tree babypants are like my family now. When you hurt my family, people die, in horrible (and usually hilarious) ways, depicted on a 2x6 comic grid panel.

Not to leave out other character developments, the dialogue between Drax and Mantis was very sweet (minus the fact that Drax was heinously dickish the entire time, and I'm going to hell for laughing at some of it). Gamora and Nebula also had a very intense moment, despite their more forced encounter in the beginning. And who could leave out the mention of Peter and Gamora's relationship, which seems to still be building up slowly, even though Gamora's still not having any of Peter's bullshit? That's wonderful. My kind of fighter. <3 As with the first movie, the soundtrack is pretty much the best thing about it, no question. Okay, end of review now... Except not really, because HA! I don't know if I felt like every song resonated with the movie as well as it did the first time around, but this was still very well put together, and I commend James Gunn for once again knocking it out of the park. This time, you might hear a few more songs you're not as familiar with. And that's okay, because you don't always have to be an absolute hipster know-it-all jackass about every damn thing in your life. You can admit that you don't know all the songs. Really, it's alright. Once you realize no one gives a shit about your musical boner of knowledge, the sooner you can move on to getting more dates with actual live humans... or kree, or whatever you're into! One more thing I do feel the need to mention (because it's my review and I'll cry if I want to!), is one major difference between the first and second movie. In the first, you felt like the universe was a big, mysterious place, and that the Guardians were just characters living in it. In this movie, it seemed more like the entire universe was created just for them to play around in and do as they please. It took me almost a freaking WEEK to figure out just what was bothering me about the film so much, and I think I've finally gotten there. GO ME! I am a rock. I am an island. I am Groot. So again, positives: - Super happy fun time continues! - I am Groot. CUTE BABY GROOT CUTENESS CUDDLE LOVE PUMPKIN MUFFINS! - Pretty good character developments all around. - So colorful, it'll make the Steven Universe artists blush. - Dat funky music. - We are Groot. - David Hasslehoff is still relevant, apparently. - I'm MARRY POPPINS Y'ALL! Aaaand the negatives: - WTF plot is WTF all over the place. - Too much insistence on connecting to other future movies. - I love Howard the Duck, but seriously, stahp! - What kind of name is TASERFACE!? (Okay, this one is actually just me continuing the joke, and is not to be taken seriously... like the name Taserface.) - Laws of the universe are so bent for these characters, it's putting Barry Allen to shame. 7.5 David Hasslehoff References Out Of 10 I think that just about covers it. Movie's still fun, but we need to point out the bad when it happens, m'kay? And that's ALRIGHT. We're ALLOWED to do that! You can like Return of the Jedi and hate Ewoks with a flaming passion. It's totally cool. I got you. Here's hoping Marvel can still keep the gravy train coming, and I can't wait to see if Wonder Woman finally breaks the DC movie hate curse. Look forward to more superhero movies, people!... You know, until the market implodes and over-saturates to the point of no return. But I'm sure that'll be well after our lifetimes, and screw those other people, am I right!? (I know I'm not really right, stop judging me!) TILL NEXT TIME, TRUE BELIEVERS!

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