Sunday, May 6, 2012

Deadpool's Mighty Review Of The Avengers Movie!

The time is upon us fellow losers! Our waiting and waiting has finally paid off! This weekend has been our time of reckoning! The time to finally leave our dark caverns and enter out into the world once more, only to enter another dark room and watch a movie about superheroes! But this isn’t just any old superhero movie true believers; oh no! This is the Avengers we’re talking about! Exclamation mark!!! O_O

Odds are you’ve already seen it, but I know that’s not why you read these cute little reviews of mine in the first place, so I’ll get right down to the punch lines, fourth wall breaking, and nudity as always… Wait, one of those isn’t like the other… Anyhoo, continuing where every other Marvel movie EVER left off, we return to find Nick “Mothaf@#king” Fury trying to get some “Mothaf@#king” research done on the “Mothaf@#king” Tesseract from the last two “Mothaf@#king” movies. This is all fine and good until Loki, Thor’s brother (You saw that movie, RIGHT!?), escapes from the Tesseract, and declares war on our world with Asgard. He also enslaves a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents of Fury’s with his staff, to aid him (one of which includes Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye for the people who have a life and wouldn’t have known who that is otherwise) and makes off with the Tesseract. Nick Fury is now pissed. And if there is one actor you do not piss off, it is Samuel L. Jackson son! Fury proceeds to locate all the heroes of the last few movies (that have no relation to X-Men, hence why I’m still in the shadows… for now! >_>) and gets them to join up with him and the Black Widow to save the Earth from Loki’s evil scheme.

All the heroes are exactly as you left them (except for Hulk, who is now played by Mark Allen Ruffalo for an interesting change of pace). Black Widow and the gang head out to locate the remaining heroes for the fight (Cap, Iron Man, and Hulk), and don’t really bother with Thor; being in another dimension and all that. Things get pretty crazy pretty quickly, and we start to learn a little more about the dynamics of teamwork, as well as a much longer lesson in how NOT to do it! Nick Fury withholding secrets from his group? Tony Stark and Bruce Banner hacking the place to know exactly what Fury is doing? Causing Steve Rogers (Captain America) to doubt everyone and everything he’s working with? And they wonder why I work alone!! *shines bazooka*

But no no, they all come together eventually. Even Thor manages to drag his Asgardian ass back into things. And not a moment too soon, as the action is beyond insane. Not only will Michael Bay be jealous of the explosions and general effects involved with this movie, but he should also be jealous over the fact that they were done with an entertaining plot to back it up! (Oooooooooooh… I’m going to be sued for that one… but it was sooo worth it… ^-^)

This movie has just about everything you could possibly want in a summer action blockbuster (with the exception of my sexy man-bod). It has a great plot that actually fleshes out each character’s development properly, comedy that will make you actually laugh out loud because it actually is THAT funny, and action to bring it all together and make you smile like an idiot. There’s not much else that really needs to be said without giving away any spoiler details. Though I will say that the after credits sequence (not the one two minutes in, but the REAL after credits sequence!!!) is the best in movie history. That’s it. Period. If you think differently, you’re wrong. You’re just wrong. Nope. Nu uh! Not listening! Wrong!!! LALALALALALA!!!

Just about the only thing I could find wrong with this film is a few inconsistencies, though nothing generally large. Nerd rant incoming in 3… 2…

What the hell was up with S.H.I.E.L.D.’s base of operations in the sky!? You mean to tell me that their ship can detect things through any satellite in the entire WORLD, but that Hawkeye can just come flying in on his little stealth ship AND shoot an arrow into it WITHOUT BEING DETECTED!? I believe that qualifies as an OH HELL NAW!!! Phew, calm down Deadpool. It’s over now… It’s over… *takes off nerd goggles*

This is in my humble, honest, and awesome opinion, the best movie to come out so far this year. Can the Dark Knight take on this mother of a film!? See you next time folks; same Deadpool time, same Deadpool blog. Deadpool, owt!

9.5 Puny Gods Out Of 10

Now go see it already, so we can talk about the two after credit scenes and be like “OMG IT’S THE GREATEST EVAR! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE INEVITABLE SEQUEL THAT WE HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HOW IT WILL FLESH OUT!!!” And while we’re on the topic of sequels, where’s MY movie Marvel!? And what have you done with Ryan Reynolds!? :'(

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