Saturday, July 21, 2012

Deadpool's Dark And Angsty Review Of The Dark Knight Rises!!!

Hey there people reading this. I got a question for all ya’lls. In the face of adversity, when all hope seems completely lost and the cards of fate have been placed against you, would you rise to the challenge? Silly question; of course you wouldn’t. Look at you. Who the f@#$ are you!? No, I don’t want your Facebook page you idiot... Dark Knight Rises is a movie all about a guy who CAN rise to that challenge… after bitching and moaning for 8 years in solitude first. But the point is Bruce is back baby! Christian Bale returns to save Gotham City, kick lots of ass, and talk in that comically deep voice like he does. Seriously, with all that money and three films out there, you’d think he could have designed some kind of voice-changer or SOMETHING!

So it’s finally here. After the 5 year wait, we finally get the third (and likely last) film in Christopher Nolan’s trilogy of Batman movies. Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man films may have gotten people to take superhero movies a little more seriously (before dancing emo Parker emerged in the third film which shall remain nameless), but Nolan’s Batman trilogy really brought it all to form, especially with its second entry, The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger dominated that screen like David did Goliath. It was a tough act to follow; too tough. Hell, I’m not a dummy, I can’t even follow that! So how does this third film stack up in the trilogy sandwich? Does it compliment it nicely, or does it need more mayo? Let’s read on (and I’ll grab the mayo just in case…).

The first thing people are going to ask is if the movie is as good, or better than the last. And that’s just selfish. You’re going to read this damn review, get all the points down, and THEN make a conclusion, and you’re gonna’ LIKE IT! You spoiled kids with your “smart” phones. In my day, we were the smart ones!

The visual flair is just as high quality as you’d expect from the previous films, making all three flow together nicely. There’s also something to be said for these films continuing to churn out actors that play their parts really well. The only one that felt out of place to me was Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman). Don’t get me wrong, she did the part well, and it was a nice departure from princess role #462354, but I couldn’t help but feel like the movie was Dark Knight Rises: Featuring Anne Hathaway every time I saw her on screen. It was just… odd and out of place. I think if you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m glad she’s getting out of the usual roles everybody knows her for though. Being varied is fun like that. I think some day after my film comes out, I’ll then be featured in a romance, starring myself and uhhh… Kate Beckinsale. We’ll meet each other in a coffee shop and talk about how we both love writing books while wasting all our time in coffee shops, all while other people work for living. The twist will be that she’s actually a Viking. It’ll be epic!!!

The film is very good and picks up quite a bit in the last hour or so. The issue is that some may find the build up to be quite long and stretched out. I may be inclined to agree. This film had just as many flashbacks as the Speed Racer movie, and that’s beyond ridiculous! You don’t have to re-show bits of a scene FIVE times to get your point across! Two would be more than enough, YA HEARD!? All parts were also a little more drawn out than I would have liked them to be. It’s not that any moments were bad per se, but I felt like almost a quarter of the 2 hours and 45 minutes of this movie could have been taken out or cut better. Chop chop chop chop! The main events themselves really do bring all three films together and provide a satisfying conclusion. Bane, while not as terrifying as the Joker, was still quite fearsome on his own. He also contributes to a whole lot of ass-kicking in the film. His voice can get a little silly sometimes though. I was certain Sean Connery was behind that mask at least three times during the film, and was disappointed finding out it wasn’t all three of those times! I’ve never seen him portrayed as such an intelligent brute before, probably being what makes him seem so powerful; because knowledge is power. GEEEEEE EYE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!... I’m sorry; I’m required to follow that sentence with the one before it. The balance of the Earth would be disrupted if I didn’t. True story.

It’s hard to say if the conclusion to everything was truly satisfying or not, looking back at my last two paragraphs where I said the complete opposite. The climactic moments of the movie didn’t quite get to the places I was hoping or expecting. They were still good however. Something people need to realize is that not many third films in a series end up living up to the first two, and that it’s actually a miracle these movies turned out so well. It was all still well-made and overall well-executed. I’d argue this is easily the best trilogy of superhero movies ever made, but if I did, Marvel would probably maybe kinda let me go. And I can’t let that happen. I need my meal ticket baby! (… Can you believe Marvel actually pays me to f@#$ s@#$ up!? Gotta love this country.)

So basically, yes, you’re going to see it. Yes, you’re going to tell your friends you saw it. And hey, if you’re not a gullible little chump, then maybe you will notice all those flaws I mentioned too without simply clapping during the credits and shouting “OMG BEST BATMAN EVAR!!!1!1! I’MA TELL EVEYBODY EVEN THO THEY ALREDY NO!!1!” It’s still a great film and a great end to a great trilogy of movies that we won’t soon forget. It’s no Dark Knight, but what the flying f@#$ is, ya communist?

8 Wonderful Toys Out Of 10


  1. "It’s hard to say if the conclusion to everything was truly satisfying or not."

    Holy smokes, Batman, that perfectly sums up how I feel right now. My brain is arguing with itself rather it is inferior or that it as good as the sums of it's parts and it's predecessors.

    1. Your post points out the fact that I should have made more Adam West jokes (and will likely do so in the near future)! Also, yes, it seems like the story could have been much more conclusive, and instead we kind of got the ending details thrown at us a bit too fast.

    2. I'm actually talking about the whole film.