Deadpool's Glorious Movie Review Of Guardians Of The Galaxy (2014) (Mostly Spoiler-Free...ish... on a Tuesday)

Alright, alright, alRIGHT!!! The most exciting thing besides the leaked test footage of my movie came out this week, and that thing would be the Guardians of the MOTHERF@$KING Galaxy MOTHERF@$KERS! I gave you all PLENTY of time to see it over the weekend and up until now, and even waited to post my review per the request of one of my many friends (you're lucky I like you Mary! Yes, you know which Mary you are...).

Alright, so what the hell did we just get ourselves into here!? Where to even begin... You've got Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), the only guy I've ever seen in a Marvel movie that may be a bigger douche than me, Gamora (Zoe Saldana), the sexy green alien woman who was raised by Thanos to be a crazy assassin, Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper), the biggest (smallest) sailor-mouthed, gun-toting, talking Raccoon this side of Morag, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a completely serious brute who takes EVERYTHING literally, and last but not least, Groot (Vin Diesel). He's a giant tree that's only capable of saying "I am Groot" a million times. If this description does not make you want to go out and see this movie, then how in the hell were we ever friends to begin with? You must have snuck into my friend's list or something... >_>

Without going into 'teh spoilerz' territory too much, the plot itself is pretty basic. All of the wacky characters I described above get thrown into a space prison for different offenses and band together in order to escape and eventually go on to save the galaxy (because REASONS!). What makes this movie so damn entertaining however, is the personality clashes. This is a group of people/raccoons/trees that couldn't be more different from each other, and it makes every scene spontaneous and unpredictable; just the way your resident psychopath here likes it!

Another wonderful thing I have to talk about before going any farther is... DAT SOUNDTRACK THO! Despite all of the awesome things I've already mentioned (again, a talking TREE, people!), the soundtrack may just be the best part of the whole freaking thing. We've got hits from The Runaways, David Bowie, The Jackson 5, and of course, Blue Swede with "Hooked on a Feeling." HA, just got it stuck in your head again! Now that I've got you uncontrollably dancing, let me continue... while dancing. (OOGACHAKAOOGACHAKA)

Are you by chance a fan of the Walking Dead/Doctor Who? Because there's actors from BOTH of those shows in this mother of a Marvel movie... man. And they don't just play stupid worthless throwaway parts either, but like actually ACTUAL parts! Seriously, stuff's so tight I'm running out of proper grammar to use when talking about it.

So I'm going to be honest with you fine folks about something. I honestly thought this movie was going to tank like the Howard the Duck movie (OMGWAZTHATASPOILERIDONTKNOWGAAAAH). Marvel films up to this point have for the most part been relatively serious (with bits of comedy thrown around here and there for good measure). But again, mostly srs. Srsly. This is the first time I've seen a studio try to go all out comedic with their approach. And that's not to say this movie has no feeling or serious moments, but they obviously don't dominate the film. I certainly can't blame the writers and director for going this route either, as, yes, I'm going to reference it again while I spam these commas, there is a TALKING MOTHER@$KING RACCOON AND TREE IN THIS MOVIE! COMMA, COMMA, COMMA, EXCLAMATION MARK!

So yeah, obviously everybody is loving this movie and I admit, I am too. If this is a sign of comedic Marvel movies to come (like the upcoming Ant Man film and, *gasp*, MY film!), then I think we're going to be doing just fine. I can see why people might not like it (as the silliness goes beyond words at times), but I am not one of those people, and apparently, neither are most of you reading this, so sweet! Let us keep dancing and enjoying this silly piece of "WTF did I just watch!?" for years to come!

9 References To An Eventual Infinity Gauntlet Movie Out Of 10

You could tell the people at Marvel/Disney REALLY wanted you to get to know these characters, and I think they've succeeded. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we start seeing kids reference all of Rocket's trash talk and playing with a tiny dancing Groot plant (... seriously, can we PLEASE get that!? I'd buy like 60 of them with money I don't even have!). I'd like to interact with these people myself, but I have a feeling I'd do something to ruin it and cause them to try to kill me. What can I say? I am Groo--- ah, Deadpool. I am Deadpool... (Groot).

Deadpool's Pretentious Movie Review Of Lucy (2014)

Howdy y'all! I feel like it's been over 63 days since my last review, or some other arbitrary number to distract from the fact that I actually counted. How's the summer life been treating 'ya? Did you get that hot beach body you always dreamed of? What? What do you mean you binge-watched Netflix all month!? There's more important things to do than marathon Breaking Bad just because the fourth season left you gasping for air at what would happen next and basically forced you to miss work to catch up... Boy, I really need to shut up...

So Scarlet Johannson has certainly stepped up her game as an actress lately. I'm sure her Black Widow part in all the Marvel movies helped, but I think people are finally starting to see that she's destined for great things, and it's actually (stay with me here) NOT just because of her looks. OMGNOWAIDIDHERLYJUSTSAYTHAT!? Yes. I did. Twice if you read my Cap 2 review. She's proven she can play a deep and emotional character without having to rely on the 'assets' to get by. So what the hell do we have going on with her in this film? Read the next paragraph to find out!!!

Welcome to the next paragraph. Here, I will be describing what the hell we have going on with her in this film. Lucy is a party-hardy 25 year old woman, who gets involved with a boyfriend that tricks her into delivering a drug called CPH4 to his boss. She then gets caught into having to smuggle this drug after having it sewn into her freaking abdomen!!! After that round of exclamation marks, certain events cause some of the drug to enter into her blood stream. From here, everything goes topsy-turvy in a way that would make Beyblade blush (I know you play with them too, DON'T LIE!). As Morgan Freeman (playing a professor who does research on the possible capabilities of the human brain once we reach beyond the 10% capacity limit we are said to have) comes into the picture, he sort of helps to explain everything we end of up seeing throughout the rest of the film. And that's fine, because this man could read anything to me out loud and I'd still be pleased. We really need to clone his voice somehow, maybe even create a voice changer? (Don't steal that idea, I came up with it first?... >_>)

What really makes the movie from this point, is the ways Lucy reacts to the increased brain capacity and the things she does with those abilities after she gains them. If she didn't help carry the plot and action of this movie, I'm not sure how I would have felt about it as is. Let's be honest about a few things: The beginning of this movie was... kinda lousy! It actually started out really goofy and I'm not sure if that was intentional or not (which makes it way worse to think about!). Luc Besson is a... weird writer/director. And that's coming from ME! He seems to enjoy using a lot of symbolism to help bring points across as he's creating a scene to play as some type of metaphor to another scenario. It works well in some places, and raises a lot of questions in others.

Things only get crazier and crazier as the movie starts to shift into climax-gear. The action and overall pace of the story worked quite well, as well as some of the interesting effects and scenery you're given. But there enlies a problem in all of this, which I simply can't keep to this sexy persona any longer! If I were to ever meet Mr. Besson, I'd have quite a few questions for him regarding this story, but one in particular would stand out:

BRO, DO YOU EVEN SCIENCE!?

I don't care how much or little you really know about the scientific theories presented in this film. The idea that the director presents here about increased brain capability is absolutely bat-s@$t insane, and makes no sense from a scientific standpoint, especially if you're looking into the theories about time and linearity. I actually kind of wish Besson would have hired a scientist just to consult with him over the real theories behind this concept. Now this isn't to insult him, or the structure and presentation of the movie itself. I actually thought everything after the first two scenes was really well made and acted. The problem is that once all is said and done, you'll likely feel (like I just said I did!) that this film could have been something greater. Something more! As an action film, it pretty much works in the way a lot of the great Hong Kong flicks do. As a science fiction film, it stumbles quite a bit however. I'm not happy about this either, because I really wanted this movie to do great after viewing the first trailer. All of the ingredients are there, and this could have been something much more memorable and lasting.

In the end, I'm afraid not many people are going to see this as anything more than a Redbox rental, and as I said fifty other times, that makes me really sad. I almost want to become a filmmaker just to remake something like this fifteen years later and fix all the things I thought were wrong. Seriously though, this is not a bad movie by any stretch; but there are some things you need to understand going into it, in order to avoid scratching your head. For one, you have to accept the fact that the scientific theory will make no bloody damn sense. For another, you have to know that things pick up after the first and second scene quite a bit, and that it's worth getting through those to find the "good stuff" that follows. Third, you need to DEAL WITH IT! The movie doesn't care about you or what you think. I'm pretty sure I heard it muttering some rude things about your mother the other night too.

7 Scientific Inaccuracies Out Of 10

Now I need to go prepare for Guardians of the Galaxy, but I won't just forget or leave this movie in the dust... Yet... Besson certainly left you thinking about quite a few things, even if it was for the wrong reasons. I should come up with some crazy scientific theories of my own, and see if they actually come through someday. First will be that you automatically increase in coolness level when you put on sunglasses. This is now law. DEAL WITH IT!

Deadpool's Unforgotten Movie Review of X-Men: Days Of Future Past (2014)

Wowee zowee folks! Have I got a doozie of a review for you! If you thought that Fox was dead in the dumps when it came to their X-Men movies, I think we might finally have something that'll wipe that ugly trash-talking smirk off your Cheetos-encrusted face!... Yeah, I eat them too...

So what do you do when you have a decent first film, an excellent sequel, a GODAWFUL sequel to THAT, and two spinoff movies than can only be described with the following picture?:

(Though to be fair, X-Men: First Class was pretty boss.)
You RETCON IT OUT OF EXISTENCE, FOOLS! That's right. You take a classic X-Men comic story involving time travel to undo all of the crap that made you start to hate the franchise in the first place! Brilliant! But what's this story actually about anyway? Well, the plot is still pretty simple overall: Sentinals have decided to now look nothing like the ones in the comics and are obliterating everything and everyone. The remaining mutants in the world all band together to devise a way to stop them. This eventually results in Wolvie (Hugh Jacked-Man)'s mind being sent back to his body in the 70's to prevent this cataclysmic future from ever occurring. Certainly engaging enough to keep you interested right off the bat, right? But wait! There's MORE!

Because this is a time travel story, we get to see great acting performances from BOTH sets of casts from the previous series (the original, and the all-new younger super hip teen group), along with some new additions. So you get your Halle Berry as Storm fantasies brought back to life, you get your Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique fantasies brought back to life, and now your Peter Dinklage as Bolivar Trask fantasies also come to form!... Come on, I know you're out there. Tyrion Lannister fans in the houuuuuuuuuse!!!! >_>

Some interesting differences occur between the original comic (which compromised of a measly TWO issues, despite what Marvel will tell you with those gigantic graphic novels full of side-stories) and the movie. For one, the comic takes place during the year it was written, 1980, with the future year being 2013. (So yeah... apparently we've already been saved from this threat according to Marvel. Go mutants!!!) In the movie, we go back to 1973, which apparently makes for much funnier inside jokes about the era, and Richard Nixon. What was really different this time around however, is the person who actually travels back in time! In the comic, it was none other Kitty Pride herself! Ellen Page still does a great job with her part in this movie, but I wish we could have seen her do more in this.

Without going into spoilers about who, where, what, why, and when (because I already answered that last one!), we are also introduced to the character Quicksilver, played by Evan Peters. For those who already know about his powers and history, you can imagine why he's an interesting addition to the crew. He also happens to have one of the best and funniest scenes in the entire movie. If you've seen it in theaters, then you know what I'm talking about. You couldn't even hear anything else besides the crowd howling..., and that damn baby who wouldn't shut up. You know who you are, baby. You know what you did...

Seeing both the older and newer casts come together was really an interesting sight to behold, and pretty much everyone played their roles perfectly. Jennifer Lawrence almost stole the entire show once again, which is really saying something since Hugh Jackman was practically leading all of these movies otherwise. While Lawrence killed it with the emotional performance, Jackman literally killed everything in the room. I also owe an honorable mention to James McAvoy who's young Charles Xavier really hit the part and the emotion of his situation down pat. Twas' good times all around!

Working with time travel is never an easy thing to do or explain in the long run of a storyline. Doctor Who is the worst victim of this, as the more plot threads get developed, the more things become wibbly wobbly and timey wimey all in the course of a few seasons. I'm happy to say that for the most part, this movie plays out the time travel card well, and without too many hiccups (though they are a few, but it's all nitpicking at this point). I also liked their theory about time being like a pool of water, where you can drop a pebble in it, but eventually the waves will come back to form. That s@#t was deep, son.

My condolences also go out to the baseball stadium that was sacrificed in the crossfire of this movie's character battles. I'll be attending the funeral next week and giving a speech about how he was a jolly-ol stadium and lived his concrete life to the fullest. *sniff*

... The White House suffered too, but I didn't give a s@#t about that...

The movie also leaves you with a lot of questions and an after credits sequence that will make even the most casual comic book readers eyes gleam with anticipation. I know I'm on board!

9 references to 70's humor out of 10

Hey, if all of that stuff was undone... then that means... THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR A DEAPOOL MOVIE!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'll hopefully see you all on the flipside now that there IS a literal flipside!

Deadpool's Anatomically Correct Movie Review Of Godzilla (2014)

I don't know about you people (that's right, YOU people!), but when I think of spring/summer blockbusters, I usually associate them with action and a ton of explosions, and yet I still can't help but loathe everything Michael Bay stands for. Go figure. Well, with this point in the year, we've now been granted access to a reboot of one of the biggest franchises in all of Japan. Say it with me folks, "IT'S GODZILLAAAAAA!!!!"

That's right everyone. After finally realizing how much America completely effed' up the big green guy in 1998, Gareth Edwards decided to take the mantle and start things from scratch. And that's what they literally did. This is a reboot straight from the beginning of it all. You'll immediately notice little winks and nudges to the original story with lines like "In 1954, we awakened something..." amongst many others.

It's also nice to finally see Bryan Cranston in something after the awesomazingness that was Breaking Bad. Even if the trailer kind of lied to us in terms of how much we'd actually be seeing him here; he's in this, and he's awesome in it. As the over-the-top scientist Joe Brody, Cranston does an excellent job of convincing us that "s@#t just got real" and that more importantly, "s@#t's about to get realer if we don't do something about it!"

Joe Brody's son, Ford is one of the other most important human characters that you'll come across. While Joe's character was more to relay the craziness going on around you, Ford's part is more the character that actually goes and tries to stop the madness taking place. While he's got nothing on Cranston (yes, I am completely biased, thank you for asking!), he still gets the job done, even if most of the human acting in this is a bit on the stale side. But let's be honest here; who the hell goes into a Godzilla movie for human drama? I'll tell you who...: Communists. There, I said it.

So you may or may not be surprised when I tell you this film is actually quite slow-paced in its first half. How does that make you feel? Personally, I was a little off-put by it at first, but that was only because I didn't know about the super ultra omega crazy awesome dominance that was the second half. But more about that later. Let's get to the real reptilian meat of this review: MOTHERF@#KING GOJIRA MOTHERF@#KERS!!!

So as many of you already know, the new Godzilla... has put on a few pounds. But that's okay! In today's day and age, Americans have learned to appreciate the voluptuous curves and the love (handles) that they bring. Personally, I like 'em with a little meat on their bones myself... Ah, giant lizards I mean. What did you think I was talking about!?... Perv...

So on top of being as wide as a house, the new Godzilla is also quite tall. In fact, I believe this is the tallest he's ever been on screen. Those MUTO creatures he comes to face don't stand a chance... Or do they? SPOILER FREE REVIEW, BITCH! Go and watch it like the rest of us and see! Muahahaha, I cracketh me up.

So, that second half of the movie, right? While the slow pacing in the first half is going to be at a bit of a downer for some (and understandably so), and others are going to argue that he didn't get nearly enough screentime (also understandable; hell I even agree with that one!), the remains that when he does finally have his time to shine, BOY does he shine like someone stuck a sun up his scaly behind! I can name offhand, two particular moments that actually caused the theater audience to shout and clap almost uncontrollably. It was THAT good!

The camera angles do a good job of making you feel like you're part of the cast, and thrown into this nuclear clusterf@#ck alongside everyone else. You'll never see the camera pointing over the monster's heads; always below, where we belong on their laughably better scale of the food chain. While the science behind the entire thing wasn't really explained with as much detail as the original classic film, it was enough to guide you through the motions and not make you feel like you were being talked down to as an audience at the same time. And that's good, because we've got plenty of news networks that already try that shtick on us (and unfortunately succeed... Seriously, who ARE you people?).

The soundtrack is likely not going to be too memorable to the casual ear, but again, fans of the classic film will notice a lot of similarities in the simplicity and ferocity behind it all. It's got all the pounding drums and ferocious trumpet-work you could possibly want in this, and I'll look back on the whole thing pretty positively.

So overall, this movie was actually quite awesome, even despite the slow beginning and hit-or-miss actors that went along for the ride. Every insult you could possibly come up with (besides Fatty McFattFatt) is more or less overturned by the excellent results of the later half. If you like your movies with destruction, but a decent plot to pull it altogether, it's hard to go wrong with this Dinosaur/Reptile/Lizard/Thingy!

8 Shots of Ice Breath Out of 10

Giant Lizard/Dinosaur/Whatevs are no joke, people! I've fought many of their kind in the past. They're always self-conscious about their weight, they act like eating an extra twig is somehow going to be considered "cheating," they always breath really loudly in your face... Eh, but they are nice to cuddle definitely... Ah, of course I'm still talking about giant lizards! Goodnight folks! >_>

Deadpool's Lack-Of-Spider-Puns Movie Review Of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Happy weekend everybody! Hope you all got your fill of comic-y goodness these last few days. Between the release of the new Amazing Spider-Man #1 (comic), Free Comic Book Day, AND the release of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (film), this has been one hell of a time (especially for Marvel, who is clearly making BANK on all three of these things)!

Even before coming out, we already knew this series of movies was suffering some pretty bad backlash from fans. The number of people who actually wanted another Spider-Man reboot only five years after Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3 were a whopping ZERO, so it was only natural we were all going to hate on it before we even knew what it was. Once we did know, that only made it worse for many once again. But if you look back on my super mega shiny coated review of the first film, you'll remember I actually still gave it a decent score. I think Andrew Garfield did a great job with the part (mainly in the Spider-Man aspect), and Emma Stone was an excellent Gwen Stacy (even if she really SHOULD have been Mary Jane instead in my freaking opinion).

So now we come back to things years later. The movie immediately starts with another flashback about Peter's parents. Those hoping Marc Webb would just drop it with them will be disappointed when they get proverbially slapped across the face multiple times by their inclusion in this movie. I personally don't mind going into their background more, as I felt there were things purposely left out of the first film in order to flesh their story out more here. I still wonder if they're trying to go a route similar to J. Michael Straczynski's "Spider Totem" story arc. If you don't know what that is, you might want to brush up just in case they try to make this sheet canon in the long run.

Once we get back to Spidey and the gang, we are treated to some of the corniest and most groan-inducing superhero movie scenes since the 90's. I'm not kidding. The first quarter or so of this movie almost made me want to write the entire thing off, it was that badly done. I'm sure kids will find Spidey pulling a guy's pants down with his webbing to be hilarious, but I think most people in the audience are going to roll their eyes during all of this. And don't even get me started on the image of Captain Stacy haunting Peter because he didn't keep his promise. Just. Don't. Even.

Things don't really get any better with the introduction of Jamie Foxx's character, Max Dillon/Electro. Completely socially awkward in the way that's really just sad/annoying instead of funny/uplifting, he bumbles from place to place, talks to himself, and is completely obsessed with the wall-craller. Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like Justin, the guy who writes these blogs... HAHA. He still can't eat sugar...

Thankfully, the rest of movie picks up significantly. Harry Osborne (played by Dane DeHaan) actually does a ridiculously good job with the character, making you really feel for his predicament, but also want to jump in there and slap him across the face for being an ignorant rich white person. All in all, that's what I call GOOD acting!

The action also brings itself to a whole new level when Electro hits the stage. The city starts lightning up and powering down like crazy when Electro fights Spider-Man... with the power of DUBSTEP! I always said that kind of music was going to kill people, and NOW I HAVE THE PROOF! The effects budget clearly went into all of these scenes, and it shows. They look..., dare I say it, amazing! THIS is the reason to see the movie in theaters above all else. There were even some creative musical touches as the movie went on. I wonder if Jamie Foxx himself actually had anything to do with that, as it doesn't seem like something that the other people behind the film would have thought of.

Of course I have to give a nod off to the chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone once again. They are the cutest damn couple, and it's actually kind of unfair how cute they are. How the hell are the rest of us supposed to compete in the P.D.A. department when that kind of s@#t is going around!? (For those who didn't already know, they're actually dating in real life now. SPOILERZ! LAWL!)

But now I have to bring us back to the bad... This movie is bloody ALL OVER THE PLACE! Every time someone is getting somewhere with something, the scene flips over to another thing! By the end of the movie, you're really going to feel like you were just there to watch a long, wibbly wobbly primer for the inevitable sequel. It also doesn't help that any impact of the "big climactic scene" near the end was more or less lost due to the rush job thrown in at the end. Did the creators learn nothing from Spider-Man 3!? You need to LIMIT the number of villains in these films, not tack on as many as you can fit! GAAAAH!!! Unfortunately, my worst fear was confirmed in that just like Spider-Man 3, they tried to do far too much in one film and caused another pacing disaster-fest. I'm not going to knock the entire movie over this (as I still consider it to be better than Spider-Man 3, and slightly better than the first Amazing Spider-Man), but surely these directors and producers have to realize what a pain this is to the fans, and classy young reviewers such as myself. *BURP*

All in all, this movie is still enjoyable, and the fight scenes and effects are sure to dazzle. The story however, could have used some serious work, in order to feel less like someone chopped up a bunch of storyboards and mixed them all together in a cauldron. Personally, I wish they could mix the Peter Parker of Tobey Maguire with the Spider-Man of Andrew Garfield to form the true Ultimate Spider-Man... No pun intended.

7.5 Tangled Webs Weaved Out Of 10 (Yes, I'm aware that's the same score I gave the first one. BITE ME!)

And of course, like a sucker, we're all going to see the next movie regardless of how it turns out. I'm sure Sony realizes this too, even if it didn't make as much opening weekend as any of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films. All I know is I now have a new fight style to train in... The style of DUBSTEP!!!

WUB WUB WUB WUB!!!

Deadpool's Beta Testing Agreement-Approved Review of the Playstation Now Beta!

Alright!!! The beta for Playstation Now is finally up and I can tell everybody all about it!!! A streaming service that lets you play games right away, without having to download anything? SUWEET!

So there I was, inputting the voucher code to launch the app. What a glorious regular set of numbers and letters that turned out to be! I was so frazzled, I accidently confused a 'B' for an '8' and freaked out about how my code wasn't working right... until I caught it ten minutes later. The feeling of relief that followed was so great, that I would have fallen asleep immediately afterward, had I not remembered that I was doing this in order to try out a beta for some freaking video game streaming service! After finally entering the code properly and realizing I may not actually have to murder anyone tonight, I noticed I was still unable to download the app, bringing back the murderous thoughts I felt earlier in this sentence. This appetite for destruction was once again brought back down once I realized that I was trying to load the beta onto my PS4, when it was in fact for PS3. After this, I began to ponder on how many times I've actually gone on a murderous rampage over things that I myself caused? But I digress...

So there I was, ten minutes later; after finally finding the plug for the PS3 that was hiding behind another set of wires that I should really try to organize someday. Oh what a fat, ugly plug it was. I could almost feel it squealing at me, with all of that damn electricity it must be consuming. I finally booted it up, found it in my downloads list, and sat and pondered on the mysteries of life over the 3 minutes or so that it took to download and install. Minutes that felt like days, or weeks even. But at long last, the wait was over. It was ON the main menu, ready to be selected! All it needed was the press of my finger, caressing the 'X' button to start. This was it folks. Things were about to get REAL!

I was immediately overwhelmed by what I saw. Oh, the very thought of the things and the stuff! I pressed 'X.' Then I pressed 'X' again, just for the hell of it. After that, I had to stop and breathe for a second, because that second press of the 'X' overdid it a little and I kind of had to bring it back. Thankfully, the 'Circle' button was there to show me how it's done. What an underrated button the 'Circle' has become. What was once the main select button for games like "Final Fantasy VII," now reduced to the mere back/cancellation button. Someone needs to stand up for it. Maybe the "Triangle" button? I can dream... I can dream...

So anyway, yeah, the stuff! Oh the ridiculous stuff and all of its stuffy-ness! After pressing yet another carefully-articulated set of combinations, I decided it would be best if I continued these combinations, but in different patterns so as to continue with what I was doing without fail. This worked for the most part, but there were still a few places where I fell flat on my sexy diseased face. This did not stop me however, as I soon remembered the glory that is the 'X' button, and exclaimed to myself "... Everything's going to be okay. It's REALLY all going to be okay!" Sure enough, that button knew exactly what it was doing. It was making me start to feel bad for 'Circle' again, but I got over it when I started using the two in conjunction with each other. It shut that 'Square' button up real good. She didn't even know what to say, that gold-digging hussie! Aww, I didn't mean it baby! Deadpool's got a special place in his burned-up heart for all four of you! There there...

Let me tell you that this event was truly life-changing for me. I literally have no further words to describe it and the impact it may/may not have on the gaming community as a whole. This perfect/might not be perfect setup that may/may not have a big impact for the industry is going to leave us with plenty of things/nothing at all to talk about.

Yeah, for those who don't know, anyone participating in the Playstation Now Beta had to agree to the "Beta Testing Agreement," which prevents participants from talking about any actual details involved. I'm basically not allowed to tell you anything other than that amazing piece of literature that I carved out of my ass up there. What I can say however is this: Playstation Now is a thing. A very real thing, that will become an even more real thing as word spreads in the future. Take a few minutes to yourself, and really let that sink in...

??? out of 10

Representin' 'Circle' button, yo!

Deadpool's Star-Spangled Spoiler-Free Movie Review of Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Aww yeah! Spring time is finally starting to come back into the big picture after the longest winter I think the country has experienced since the 70's (Thanks Obama)! With spring time coming, it also means we have a butt-ton of Marvel flicks coming out; some from Marvel directly, one from Sony, one from Fox, and now they're all technically from Disney, which makes for one hell of a pie graph! More on that at 11.

With Winter Soldier, we get to see more from Cap after the craziness of the Avengers movie, learning more about the world around him today. And people, if we've learned anything about the world around us over these last few millennia, it's that it ain't exactly a pretty picture! Things get ugly very very quickly after Cap and Black Widow go on a mission together to go take back a S.H.I.E.L.D. vessel from some pirates; not so much as a result of that mission, mind you, but other kinds of ugly things! Long story short, Cap starts to realize that a lot of people have a lot of secrets about a lot of things, and that just doesn't sound very -MURIKAN' to him. All of that just blows up in his face even more as S.H.I.E.L.D. begins to turn upside down from the inside out.

The first Captain America film owed a lot to classic war films, while Winter Soldier actually owes more to classic 70's spy flicks, in the sense that you literally have NO IDEA who to trust up until the final scenes. We see some of the strongest acting performances from Chris Evans (Cap himself), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow, Natasha Romanoff), and Samuel L. Jackson (Nick Fury) yet with this. We are also introduced to Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson, aka. the FALCON baby! For those who are too young (or just didn't care to look this far back), The Falcon was the first African American superhero to appear in mainstream comics, so it was pretty nice to finally see his character come into play, especially with a great actor at the helm. Oh, and I guess I'm still missing one more crucial piece of character that we should get into... THE WINTER F@#KING SOLDIER!!! Though I can't go into who this person actually is without activating the spoiler card, know that the actor who plays him (Sebastian Stan) does a damn good job being scary as all hell while he goes after Cap and the gang.

The story of this film borrows a lot from the comics written by Ed Brubaker, back in about 2006 I believe. Obviously if you've read those issues, you already know who The Winter Soldier is, and his relevance on the story itself, but even knowing this won't dissuade you from enjoying the movie. Once it reaches a certain point, you're literally unable to breathe. Every time I saw this guy appear on-screen, I'd suddenly find myself getting really quiet and antsy (and I shouldn't be doing that yet, since the Ant-Man movie doesn't come out until next year. BA-DUM-TISH!... No? Nothing? Okay...). They really do leave you feeling quite helpless the entire time you're watching the story unfold. This is made worse by the fact that while the jokes may not be that funny, you're almost dying for them after all the serious moments. This is then followed by awkward, loud laughter that you look back on later and ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. You know you've done it; that "HYECHYECHYECH!!" sound that comes out almost forcibly. People will also remember this as that thing they'd do on dates because they were so nervous about impressing the other person, that they just eliminated their chances of getting anywhere. What? No, of course I never did it. I just saw YOU doing it! Yeah... >_>

Of course, a film of this style would be nothing without a stellar cast, and one of the biggest contributors this time around was Black Widow. There's a lot of people out there who just look at her like some hot girl who wears tight clothes and kicks a lot of ass... and don't get me wrong, she TOTALLY does all that. But they're missing the bigger picture, which is that she's actually a very deep, troubled character with an effed up past that would make Edgar Allan Poe blush... Too soon? Seriously though, she actually has some of the best lines in the entire movie, and you're likely to miss them if all you're doing is staring at 'DAT ASS' the whole time. And let's face it..., there are a LOT of people who will do that. Shame on you... SHAME!

...FEEL MORE SHAME DAMMIT!

I think the last time I watched a superhero movie, feeling this much sense of dread and uneasiness was... Dark Knight? Yeah, yeah, I think it was! Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I really have to commend Marvel Studios and all the people involved in this film for making what was easily the darkest Marvel movie to come out yet, and also one of the most thought-provoking. I think it's safe to say that by the time Avengers 2 rolls around the corner, the group is going to be quite different than they were in the first Avengers film. This movie is still going to leave you with a lot of questions about what's coming up next, especially if you watch the post-credit scenes (the first of which actually makes no sense from an ownership/rights standpoint, but should prove interesting in the long run of things).

There was also a brief mention of a specific character that has not yet entered the Marvel Universe of movies, but that mention pretty much just confirmed it, and I'm super super psyched to hear about more. Damn, these movies are like crack... Not that I know what that is or is like...

So I think you've now started to get the gist of what I'm saying here, other than what the word gist means because I have no idea. The movie is excellent all-around. The actors and actresses play their parts magnificently, the action is ridiculous, frantic, and VIOLENT for a movie of this type, and you feel like you're on the run with Cap and Natasha all the way to the end. This is right up there with The Avengers for one of the best Marvel films of all time.

9 laps around Sam Wilson out of 10

This movie makes me want to eat a hotdog while riding an eagle with explosions behind me as I shoot down terrorists with my AK. That's the AMURIKAN' way!