Monday, July 18, 2011

Deadpool's Review Of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Parts 1 and 2)

As the sunset loomed and the clock reached the 12:00AM mark, millions of nerds all over the planet gathered with their fake glasses, taped-on lightning-bolt scars, and plastic wands held high. They wanted the conclusion to their favorite saga of all time that is even being called “this generation’s Star Wars” by multiple douchebags across the country. A title like that is not easy to carry, but after getting into these books and movies year by year, it’s not difficult to see why people draw this conclusion… I mean, there’s been seven bloody installments of these things (8 if you count both parts of this movie separately, which I don’t, haha), and they’ve been for the most part, bloody brilliant mate! ... Did you like my character there? I had to have tea and crumpets for 8 straight weeks to get into it. Did I waste 8 straight weeks of my life just to make that stupid pun? … Well, who the hell asked you!? Moving on! ...

I was originally asked by many to write a review for Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when it came out. After seeing it in theaters, I decided that it was not a good idea to do so. Contrary to popular belief, this is not because I hate you. No, no, the meaning lies much deeper than that. Simply put, these movies were called “Part 1” and “Part 2” for a reason. I didn’t feel it would be right to review one without the other unless I had them both as the complete story. Anyone who read the books certainly wouldn’t have reviewed the first half of it without bothering to talk about the second half… Right? I hope I’m right, because how anyone could have put down that giant hardcover to stop and waste time on the internet without finishing it, is simply not a true Potterfanaramalamadingdong. ALL the true fans waited in line behind those crappy Snape cosplayers who acted like they were bigger fans, even though we really were, but were just modest because we knew our lives were clearly more fulfilling than their non-existing fantasy-driven poppycock. Okay, I was one of those Snapes you saw… and the one who caused that riot after shouting “Snape Kills Dumbledore!” the night the Half Blood Prince came out… and the one who lost in a brutal wizard duel where I had to give up my Snape replica wand to a bunch of snotty Ron wannabes. They DIDN’T even get the HAIR right! Non-grateful phonies…

To review the entire set of Deathly Hallows films, one must examine all aspects of the film equally. First and foremost, this was easily one of the best, if not, the best example of the book coming to the screen. Were things changed around from the book? Yes. Did they make that girl sitting next to you shout obscenities when Harry’s relationship with Ginny was barely explained at all? You bet your broom-sitting butts it did, as my left ear still has yet to regenerate… But were these things really that bad of changes? Despite the fact that I know someone is going to cast Conjunctivitis Curse on me for this, I don’t think the changes made were really all that bad. There are some things that were completely left out that should not have been; that much is true, and Half Blood Prince made me want to rip out multiple people’s locks of hair. While that act of desperation did result in me grabbing a stash of Daniel Radcliffe’s hair that I now keep under my pillow every night; that is not the point! The point I was making was that this film was one of the only since the first two to truly attempt to be more like its book-y counterpart, and I for one applaud them for it. Did they separate them into two parts for more money? I don’t know, but they got a hell of a lot of mine in the process for it which I’ll steal back later. Hahahahahaha, they thought they could disarm me, but little do they know about my Gryffindor sword replica hidden in my trousers. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! My life is so cool!!!

Now I’ll go into the story without actually spoiling any of it somehow. Since I cannot come up with a witty or ironic remark to make while doing so, I have elected to write the next portion of my review in the most obnoxiously offensive British tone I can muster. Deep breaths… Okay… Here we go:

Blimey! That story was bloody brilliant in the veins of hip hip and cheerio! The bloke outdid himself like mum’s black pudding last week. A bum bag couldn’t contain the excitement I felt, and I almost had to use the loo multiple times, it was just that nutter! Okay, I can’t do this anymore… Even I think this is offensive now! Hehehehe... They say “Johnny” when they’re talking about a condom…

But no, this was overall a very good and enthralling story that brought just about all of the main events from the previous books and movies together. Just about every kind of emotion that could be let out was let out in that theater. Magic was literally made in that story. The music and sounds were also quite good, as they carried the tone perfectly. Who doesn’t get goosebumps when hearing that theme song playing in the background? Also to note, there is a wonderful animated sequence of the “3 Brothers” story from the “Beetle and the Bard” book for the Harry Potter mythos; A nice change of pace from the already constantly changing atmosphere around them.

I have to say that as good and satisfying as all this is, and as wonderful as this series has truly been for all, I cannot go with the whole notion of “this generation’s Star Wars.” That series is in a whole other league that we should not be speaking of. Whether it’s better or not is a matter of opinion, but putting those two things up for nerd debates is not fun, unless you’re watching others dressed as Yoda, beating up a stray Malfoy in the distance. Something has to be brought to attention about this though… Ever since Half Blood Prince came out, the Harry Potter soundtrack has been borrowing just a few too many cues from John Williams’ soundtrack for Star Wars. I also noticed that one particular climactic fight scene near the end borrowed what was almost the EXACT same camera angles as a certain famous lightsaber duel of the ages. Did this bother me? You bet it did. I’m all for Rowling and all for these movies being made, but things like this deserve proper credit and they will most likely never get it in this case. Pooh! Pooh I tell you! POOH!

Overall, despite the length of these two parts, you’ll hardly find yourself bored as the plot is pretty darn gripping if I do say so myself, the effects are top notch, the actors are perfect at what they do, and it all comes together very nicely in one big super omega sugar-coated ending sequence. This is going to be remembered for a long long time, and deservedly so. I for one applaud this over-hyped series as one that actually deserved most of it. See!? I can be giving too!

9.5 out of 10 golden snitches… Oh, that poor half of a snitch…

This really is most likely the best movie you’ll see all summer, and possibly all year. So why not give in like everyone else? You’ll be cool for it. We even have cookies now (TM Deadpool, while supplies last, no further purchase necessary. Consult your doctor before usage)! Now, I must bid you all adieu. I have a date planned with Mrs. Rowling. No, she doesn’t know about it yet, but isn’t that half the fun? Oh, you don’t think she’ll agree to it? *slides out Gryffindor sword from trousers* I think she just might. Later ya blokes! :D

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