Monday, August 1, 2011

Deadpool's Review Of Captain America: The First Avenger

Greetings chumps and chumpettes! Did ya’ miss me? No wait, don’t answer that. I know you did, but don’t want to confess your true feelings and run the risk of embarrassment in front of your friends. That’s okay. You know it, I know it, and the big guy up in the sky knows it, and that’s really all that matters. But we’re not here to discuss such things! Oh no. We’re here to discuss more manly things than that. MANLY MEN things! Manlier than Fist of the North Star!? Lol no. Nothing in the universe is as manly as that series, but this is still high up on the chart. That’s right kiddos! Tonight Uncle Deadpool reviews Captain America: The First Avenger!

This little number takes us back to the good ol’ days of the 1940’s, the time of that little World War incident you may have heard about. You haven’t? Oh man, it’s some crazy stuff. You should put down that texting repository and do it sometime. There’s this guy with a moustache crazier than Freddie Mercury’s and everything! The movie happens to do a very good job of portraying the era and really does make you feel like you’re getting thrown into the war with them all. Amazing, isn’t it? There were actually wars before I was around. Funny thought that is…

The movie follows Steve Rogers, skinny, wimpy, teenager, just wanting to make a difference in the world by standing up to bullies, regardless of whether his fights are winnable or not, which was pretty much all the time for the latter. Sound familiar Justin? It’s like they knew you before you were even born you tiny, loveable nerd you. Anyhowz, he keeps trying to enlist into the US Army in an attempt to live out said message. He tries everything, even changing his address multiple times, just so that they’ll keep re-reading his application. Eventually, a scientist happens to catch him doing this (because, like, duh!!!), but also gets inspired by the words that Steve gives to his friend Bucky about his motivation and determination and approclimation. Whether that last word is in fact a word, I don’t know, but it sure sounded cool so I’m going to leave it there. Regardless, the scientist decides to enlist him. The army general is basically looking at Steve like “WTF is this shiznite!?” and the doctor’s all “No no, it’s cool. I got this.” Howard Stark, Tony Stark’s equally… promiscuous father also plays a big role in the tech involved in the film. Steve learns that he’s been chosen to use the new super soldier serum, developed specifically to give special strength and ability to those who didn’t have so previously. This technology was once used on Johann Schmidt, who soon after, became the awesometastic classical fantastical supervillain, the Red Skull, as Steve quickly discovers. Steve then sets out with his new abilities (and hawt hawt female admirer) on a quest for truth, justice, and the American way. Wait… I think I quoted the wrong… Wait… Yeah… Yeah, I did. Crap. ><

The movie plays out very well overall. The structure is solid, the corny lines aren’t too corny as to turn you off. You’ll laugh at them the way you laughed at the corny lines in Star Wars, and not wince at them like the corny lines in Family Circus that make you wonder if the book was even supposed to be funny in the first place. I’m looking at you Jeffy… *glare*The fight scenes and visuals of the movie are also quite impressive. There’s a few CG moments that make you say “Aww that was so fake!” but others that make you say “Oh hell yes, that was freaking awesome!” The Red Skull is especially menacing as a villain on the big screen. The development between Steve and him is actually quite impressive. It’s as if the film goes between acting like an old war movie, and then deciding to be a story-driven Marvel epic at other times. Instead of feeling jumbled up as a result, we get a truly engrossing experience from beginning to end. The ending is also a nice little twist for those who don’t know the original Captain America story. Fans of the comic will be very happy with this one. Everything is included here: the basic story elements, the characterizations, and even the “BUY STOCKS AND WAR BONDS” ads you got in between the pages… No, seriously. It’s THAT accurate. The only difference is that we’re not getting ads with Rogers punching out Japanese men, drawn like monkey people… Oh, you didn’t know about those ads? Umm… Neither do I then! Mum’s the word! Don’t cancel me Marvel! I’d say you need me like Peter Parker needs Mary Jane, but I’ve seen what you do in that situation…

To sum it all up, this ended up being a surprisingly epic and inspirational little movie. Kudos to Marvel for putting this film together properly, and to Disney for not trying to turn it into a politically correct musical about Cap singing the Nazi’s to sleep and winning the war with friendship… as funny and painfully hilarious as that would also be.

9 out of 10 shiny vibranium shields

I only hope when my movie comes out, people will feel it’s as inspirational and generally kick-ass. Or if Disney happens to make mine that musical I was talking about… That’d be cool too.

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