Monday, June 27, 2011

Deadpool's Review Of Green Lantern (The Movie)

The summer of comic book movies continues fellow readers. Thor entered the scene, Charles and the rest of the X-Men gave their return to form, and now, before Captain America’s shield-bashing appearance, DC managed to shove one title of theirs into the apparent Marvel sandwich that has followed. The question is if the middle of that sandwich truly brings the beef. I for one, hope to answer that question quicker than initially planned, due to the now severity of my need for a sandwich, after talking about one the way I have. Do I get sick of how distracted my mind can get over such trivial things? NO I don’t, and neither should you!

Green Lantern is upon us, and the reviews are in. Rotten Tomatoes has pretty much shunned this movie as a piece of crap, and not putting it very high above even the likes of movies such as The Spirit (which I’m still convinced was made to be bad on purpose, but no one believes me!). So why am I writing this review then? Do I have a different opinion that I want to be heard or am I just busting all of your chops because I so desperately seek attention to draw me away from the reality of how ugly and insignificant of a human being that I truly am? You’ll have to read on and find out, sucka fool!

First and foremost, I have to say that Ryan Reynolds (the guy who is supposed to still play ME someday!) was able to hold a lot of the movie together on his own quite well. His portrayal of Hal Jordan in the movie was pretty much accurate. Despite what some may remember about Hal’s personality in the comic books right now, he was actually a serious douche in the beginning (INB4 it takes one to know one joke! HAR HAR, you people I’ve detected through my psychic ability that I just made up are all hilarious…). He hits on women pretty much the same way, and craves so desperately to high five Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer as part of the Top Gun cast. But that’s all marred by the fact that he doesn’t follow protocol to get the job done, and gets reprimanded for it on top of all the man-whoring. Known for running away when responsibility is thrown his way (just like the rest, am I right ladies!?), things get strange when an alien life form (known as “Abin Sur,” part of the Green Lantern Corps) crash lands on Earth, after being attacked by a being called Parallax, that harvests fear from others in order to make itself stronger until it grows large enough to consume everything in the universe. This event leaves Abin weak and incapacitated, forcing him to send his Green Lantern ring out to find a suitable host. It ends up picking Hal of course, and he is now given the task of carrying on this power and helping to restore order in the universe. Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives… (I promise there’s a reason for that quote other than my love of soap operas… Stefano… I miss you so… *sob*)

When I first saw Hal’s appearance in the Green Lantern suit, I chucked a bit, knowing the whole costume was literally a product of CGI animation. It looked a little disjointed for the first few minutes, but I quickly adjusted as I started to see the ENTIRE FREAKING CORPS all looking the same, if not worse due to their whole BODIES needing to be animated. They didn’t look bad this way, just… very disconnected at times. It was a mixed result, and for the most part, a decent one. It’s all tolerable, and that’s what matters poozers! (That’s a little Killowog humor for ya! He’s the big grumpy one! You can’t miss him because he’s so damn big and grumpy!)

Man-whoring and CGI-whoring aside, the supporting cast for the movie was hit or miss. Carol’s part was played well enough that it got the job done and Blake Lively is a very pretty woman to boot. Peter Sarsgaard (which has to be one of the best last names I’ve ever heard in my life) did a very interesting portrayal of Dr. Hector Hammond. Was it completely accurate to the freakish character of the comic books? Not quite, but he still did one heck of a job screwing with everyone in similar ways. Now we get to the good stuff! Mark Strong did a surprisingly bang up job as Thaal Sinestro. His pride and all-around “I’m better than you” attitude played out very well, and if a sequel is made (which I’m sure there will be), then I’d love to see them try to flesh out his character more. Temuera Morrison’s role as Abin Sur was also very well done. He doesn’t get much screen time (just as he didn’t get much of any comic time either… Poor unlucky pink guy…), but the part is done accurately once again.

There was some definite creativity in some of the ways the power ring’s abilities were used, whether by Hal or other Corps members. Seeing a Gatling gun and a Hot Wheels track come out of that thing was pretty silly and fun to see at the same time. Parallax itself certainly looked… interesting. I’ve definitely never seen anything quite like that on the big screen before…

Cue some other obvious plot devices, some forced lines, some overall decent fight scenes, and a lot of flying and character exploration, and you’ve pretty much got what this movie amounted to. If you’re a fan of the comic book, I don’t think you’ll be too disappointed in the events they tried to portray (though there were definitely things changed around. I just… don’t care about mentioning them. Seriously, they’re not drastic changes, so I don’t even feel they’re worth mentioning. If you’re look to nitpick all the things they do differently in these movies then I think you need to take a chill pill. Seriously, go discover girls or something. They’re pretty rad...).

Overall, I did like the film, but also felt it VERY incomplete as a whole movie, and more like “Green Lantern: Episode 1, Part 1: Space Soap Opera Overture.” The film had a fair share of flaws that didn’t really bother me so much, but seemed to cram itself up the posterior of many of the Rotten Tomatoes critics. There was also a lot they attempted to cram into the film all at once. Is the movie as bad as their ugly percentage score? No, I don’t think so. At this point, I believe that the absolute best way to enjoy it is to go in and expect complete and utter crap! That way, if it sucks, you knew that and saw it coming and are still better than everyone else, and if it doesn’t suck, then it’s a win win baby! What I’m saying is, see it yourself and form your own opinion. It’s a competent movie that deserves a competent amount of attention. So where’s the beef!? Maybe not here, but it’s more like one of those White Castle burgers: good, but tiny as frack, and leaving you wanting at least twenty more before you feel satisfied and possibly throw up later.

7 Shiny Power Rings out of 10

Now to go shove the scores and tell Ryan Reynolds about why he should be playing me again instead! I need media exposure people! Hollywood, crap on my origin story already so people will talk about how much better my comics are! Come on!!!


  1. Thank you Deadpool, as your number one fan but fan #6,375,666 according to the Official Deadpool Fan Club (Everyone else is just poozer (See I follow your when making a Kilowog joke) and I truly know you) I've been dying to see the movie when I heard about it and when the trailer came out I was disappointed but still had a lot of hope for the movie. But after reading this I am now going to see the movie and be very hopeful of it. You are THE BEST EVER!!!

    Also I have been writing Hollywood to make a movie about you and they said if they do it and Ryan Reynolds is to play you, they are not covering up his face because of the sex the man brings. I mean they showed me pictures of the sex and just piles (I mean freaking PILES) of women the man has just lying around. They want his good looks on screen and will just give him a half mask.

    Also as your number one I want a shout out in the movie when it gets made. Most likely in the form of some inner monologue and awesome wit that you have.

  2. Very well peon, I will accept your inquiry. When I rule the world, you will be my commander of tacos (you'll come to see that's a position of the highest honor). That man does get his sex, that's for sure. I'll ask him if it's the Axe body spray or some amazing form of Old Spice epicness. It couldn't have anything to do with feelings or thoughts, so that's out of the question. CARRY ON!

  3. I'd like to note that this is the best review I've read for the film, and as I've intended since it was still in development I will be renting it. Because Ryan Reynolds can make the shittiest of movies awesome with his sexiness. Oh man. I'm 99% straight, the other 1% is Ryan Reynolds.